When Discipline Doesn’t Work

Think about how your child can achieve that goal. Now that you have a long-term goal in mind, think about how your son can achieve it. At this point, it has become a bad habit for him to lash out when he’s frustrated…and, as we adults know, breaking a habit is hard. For kids, it’s even harder because they don’t have the life skills to make the change effectively. Just telling them to stop isn’t enough for most kids—they need to know HOW to stop themselves.

Assist with strategies. To that end, you need to assist your son in some strategy sessions. Open the session by saying that you’re going to work with him together to help him overcome this problem. To be successful, your son needs a few tools: to recognize the cues before he hits/pushes, and to have alternative actions to replace hitting/pushing.

To recognize the cues, ask questions like:

• What do you observe before your son hits?
• Does he yell?
• Get red in the face?
• Stomp?
• Ask your son what he’s feeling/doing before he wants to hit.

If he gets stuck right away, mention one thing you’ve noticed he does, then invite him to think about other things. Have Son write them down.

To replace hitting/pushing, ask him to come up with three or four things he could do instead when he gets upset. Remember, he will get upset—we’re not going to eliminate that part of the equation. What we want to do is change his response to getting upset. You’ll have to guide him away from saying things like “Just don’t do it” by replying that you don’t think that’s been working. You come up with a few ideas as well, then compare notes. Let him pick two things from the lists to try the next time he gets upset.

Revise and work with him as needed. Remind him that when he fails (and he will!), he can try to do better next time. When the child does hit or whatever the misbehavior is, simply send him to bed directly after supper. In the morning, have him go over what happened and how he can do better next time. Repeat as needed.

I know this advice might seem counterintuitive, but we sometimes forget that we have to teach our kids how to not misbehave as much as we have to correct their misbehavior. You’re still addressing the problem, but in a way that will help give him the tools to succeed.

To connect with Sarah and read more about raising kids, visit www.parentcoachnova.com.