Share Your Favorite Religious Joke!

In the spirit of the new book Between Heaven and Mirth: Why Joy, Humor, and Laughter are at the Heart of the Spiritual Life — in which Fr. Jim Martin shares how humor is essential to the spiritual life, and offers a few of his own favorite jokes — we’re inviting you to share your favorite religious joke with us here at Patheos.  We’ll choose a few of our favorites of the bunch, and send the winners a copy of Martin’s book next week.

Here’s one to get us started:

A doctor asks the mother of a newborn what she plans to name her son.

“I plan to name him after Jesus’ best friend.”

The doctor thinks for a moment, and tells the woman he can’t recall the bible mentioning Jesus’ best friend.

“You don’t remember Verily? Jesus talked to him all the time! Verily, i say unto you…”

Catholic blogger Max Lindenman offers a few more Catholic jokes for your amusement here.

Think you can top these?  Post your favorite religious joke in the Comments box below (and then tweet this post using the #patheosmirth hashtag).

And join us again tomorrow as we resume our Twitter Book Club conversation on selected excerpts from the book….

Between Heaven and Mirth is currently featured at the Patheos Book Club.

About Deborah Arca

Deborah Arca is the Managing Editor of the Progressive Christian Portal and Book Club at Patheos.com.

  • Elizabeth Scalia

    One of my favorites:

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples!”

    I got a million of ‘em!

  • Becky Arcadia

    Did you know women are forbidden to make coffee in the Bible? There’s a whole book on it called He-Brews.

  • Ed Overell

    There were 3 priests (a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Diocesan priest) arguing about who was better. After awhile, a piece of paper came floating down to them out of the sky. They picked it up, and saw it said, “Stop arguing. You are all equal.” Then they looked at the bottom and saw it was signed ‘God, S.J.’

    • PL

      It typically ends with “signed ‘God, O.P.”–but thanks for playing. ;)

      • Fr. Tom OFM

        You sure it doesn’t end, “God, OFM”? ;-)

        • http://edithosb.wordpress.com Sister Edith

          No, no, God is much OLDER!! An ancient piece of manuscript vellum floated down signed God, O.S.B.

  • Max Lindenman

    This one appears in my blog:

    How many sedevacantists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Dumb question. None of them can stand to change anything.

  • juliedavis

    A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

    PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

    The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

    PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

    BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read:

    NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

    • Jen

      Oh my goodness, I’m crying from laughing so hard! This is the BEST joke I’ve heard in ages! Maybe ever. Fabulous!! Mind if I steal it and share it?

    • markm

      You missed one part of story, but added some good ones I hadn’t heard at the end.
      After PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
      By now the preacher was just thrilled with his purchase. And entered the donkey in a third race. Not so good this time. The donkey only came in second. The paper headline the next day read:
      PREACHER’S ASS BACK IN PLACE
      Then continue!

  • http://blog.chron.com/theemmausroad Kristan Doerfler

    A young boy was failing math in school. His parents had heard that a Catholic education would help his grades, so they transfer him to the local Catholic school.

    The next semester, he had an A in math. His parents asked him what was different about the Catholic school that caused the change in grades. The young boy replied “When I looked above the chalkboard and saw the man in pain nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!!”

  • http://amongwomenpodcast.blogspot.com/ Pat Gohn

    Ha! Not sure I can top Julie’s entry, but here is a couple…

    Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
    A. Ruthless.

    Q. Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible?
    A. In the big inning.

    • Bertha

      I laughed outloud at “Ruthless”. Thanks!

  • HelenOE

    My favorite is about the Methodist minister, the Catholic priest and the Lutheran pastor who were having lunch and commiserating about their respective problems with bats in their church belfries.

    The Methodist said, “I bought some live traps, caught the bats and drove ten miles out of town before I released them. They were back in the belfry before I got home.”

    The Catholic said, “I borrowed a shotgun from a parishioner, fired off a blast, scared them away. They were back in an hour.”

    The Lutheran said, “I don’t have a bat problem any more.”
    The other two guys said, “Really? What did you do?”
    He said, “It was simple. I caught them, baptized them, confirmed them and let them go. Haven’t seen them since.”

    • http://www.hermitofbardstown.com Stephen Taylor

      Another variation is squirrels. The Jews circumcised them and never saw them again. :-)

      • Peter M

        Yet another variation has the Catholic saying, “I baptized mine, and now we only see them at Christmas and Easter.”

  • Gregg the Obscure

    A Jesuit was driving down the road and smashed into a car driven by a Franciscan. Neither man was seriously hurt, but the friar was pretty shaken up. The Jesuit helpfully poured him a glass of whisky to calm his nerves. The Franciscan said, “Thanks for your kindness. Won’t you join me?”. The Jebbie replied, “Sure, after the police have come and gone”.

    First tennis game in the Bible? Jacob served seven years in the courts of Laban.

  • Chris-2-4

    This one may be familiar to many, but it’s always been my favorite:

    A group of scientists working on cloning achieve a breakthrough and so they come to God and say, “God, we have developed your power and learned how to make men out of clay just like you.” God replies, “That’s amazing, show me.”

    So the scientists gather a pile of dirt to begin when God stops them and say, “No, no, no. First, create your OWN dirt”.

  • Ellen

    A priest, a minister and a rabbi all lived next door to each other and were good friends. They had all been saving up to buy luxury cars. The priest drove up first in an Escalade and decided to do something special so he got the holy water and a book of blessings and walked around blessing the Escalade and sprinkling it with holy water.
    The minister drove up in a BMW and saw the priest blessing his car. So he went into the house, got a book of hymns and walked around the car singing the praises of God.
    The rabbi drove up in his Mercedes and saw the priest blessing his car, the minister singing hymns around his car and decided he needed to do something too. So he got a hacksaw and cut an inch off the tailpipe.

    • http://www.renees-camera.com Foolish Mortal

      The first time I read this, I didn’t get it…..after a second reading, I was howling with laughter. Thanks Ellen! ~:o]

  • http://www.myspace.com/peterriedesel Pete in Mpls.

    So Mary, Joseph, and the Three Wisemen were standing around the Babe in the manger, taking in this miraculous scene. All was quiet with wonder. Suddenly and accidently one of the Wisemen bumped his head on one of the stable’s crossbeams and blurted out: “Jesus Christ that hurt!”

    Just then Mary turned to Joseph and said, “You know, I like that name better then Marvin.”

    • The_L

      Don’t forget that Jesus’s nickname is Andy. There’s even an old hymn about it:

      Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…

  • http://denythecat.blogspot.com Brian Sullivan

    What are the 3 things God doesn’t know?
    What the Jesuits teach, what the Dominicans preach and how many orders of Franciscans there are!

  • http://twitter.com/mikeahub Hubbard

    A rabbi, a priest, and a quaker were discussing when life began.
    “It begins at birth!” said the rabbi.
    “No! It begins at conception,” argued the priest.
    “Hey quaker,” the rabbi said. “Could you settle this dispute for us?”
    The quaker said, “Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.”

  • Irishbutterfly

    So one day, Jesus is teaching in the temple and a group of Pharisees bring a woman before him.
    One of the men tells Jesus, “This woman was caught in the very act of adultery! The law of Moses tells us she is to be stoned!” Testing Him, he adds, “What do You say we should do with her?”
    Jesus bends down and starts writing in the sand, but the crowd keeps pressing Him.
    He finally answers, “Let the one among you who is without sin throw the first stone.” With that, He turns away and begins writing in the sand again.
    All of a sudden, the adulteress shrieks, and Jesus looks up to see who has dared throw a stone. When He sees who it was, Jesus throws up his hands and says, “Mom!…”

  • http://www.fieldofdandelions.com Danny

    For the first time in history, a Jewish man was about to be knighted by the Queen of England. During the knighthood ceremony, he was supposed to say a phrase in Latin, but in his excitement he forgot what it was. The only thing that came to him was a phrase he remembered from Hebrew school:
    “Mah nishtanah, ha-laylah ha-zeh”
    The queen looked at him, then looked around the room and asked,
    “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

    • bearing

      OK, that’s the first one I laughed at.

  • http://www.amazingcatechists.com Lisa Mladinich

    Patrick was on his way to a job interview, but was running late as usual. As he was searching fruitlessly through the parking lot for a space, he prayed, “Lord, if you find me a parking spot I’ll go to church every Sunday, stop swearing, and give up me Irish whiskey!” Miraculously, a space suddenly opened up!

    and Patrick looked up to heaven and said…

    “Never mind, Lord. I found one.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/FrJamesMartin James Martin, SJ
  • Beriah

    A Catholic Priest is enjoying breakfast with his friend a Rabbi. The Priest is enjoying some great smoked bacon.
    The priest says to the rabbi, “When are you going to break down and try some of this bacon. It is great! Why would God make something so good and not want you to enjoy it.”
    The rabbi smiled and said, “On your wedding day father.”

  • Mary

    So this guy goes to confession one Saturday afternoon and says,
    “Father, forgive me, for I have stolen some lumber.”
    The priest asks, “Well, are you sorry for your sin, my son?”
    “Yes, Father,” the man replies.
    “Well then, for your penance say three Our Fathers and four Hail Marys,” says the priest. “Your sins are forgiven.
    But the next Saturday, the man returns to confession: “Father, forgive me. I stole some lumber–again.”
    “Again? My son, are you sorry for your sin?”
    “Yes I am Father, and I’ll work harder to avoid this sin in the future,” says the guy.
    “There’s a good fellow,” says the priest. [They're both Irish, I think.] “Now for your penance, say three Our Fathers and four Hail Marys. Be on your way–your sins are forgiven.

    Ehh, but the following Saturday the man is once again in the confessional:
    “What? Again you stole lumber?,” says the priest, who is now pretty exasperated with this guy.
    “Yes, Father, I have. I am so ashamed,” says the man.
    “Well now, says the priest. For your penance, you’ll have to make a novena. Tell me, my son, do you know how to make a novena?,” asks the priest.
    “Ahh, Father, I do not know how to make a novena. But if you have the plans, I have the lumber.”

    [That was the first joke I ever learned, and my uncle the priest told it to me!]

  • http://www.micahprays.org dan wolpert

    A Baptist moves into a Catholic neighborhood and soon his neighbors can smell him cooking a steak one Friday in Lent. Grieved because they are stuck eating tunafish, they convince him to become Catholic. At the service when he’s received into the church, the priest sprinkles holy water on him saying, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic.”
    Lent rolls around next year and his neighbors are horrified to smell BBQ coming from his backyard. When they peek over his fence to reprimand him, they see him sprinkling water on his steak saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”

  • http://bettyduffy.blogspot.com Elizabeth Duffy

    Not a joke: This year, instead of a Christmas tree, we’re going to decorate the pile of laundry in our living room.

  • Drill_Thrawl

    In school the children are doing show and tell about their religions.
    The first boy gets up and says, “My name is Anthony and I am Roman Catholic and this is a crucifix.”
    A little girl stands up and says, “My name is Rebecca and I’m Jewish and this is the Star of David.”
    A second boy gets up and saya, “My name is Mikey and I’m a Methodist and this is a casarole dish.”

  • elmo

    From John Mark Ministries, via my Methodist boss:

    HOW MANY CHRISTIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

    Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

    Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

    Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.

    Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

    Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

    Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

    Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

    Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

    Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

    Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.

    Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

    Amish: What’s a light bulb?

    • John Scott

      I love those, but I see you’re missing the Orthodox Christian line we use when joking about ourselves:

      Eastern Orthodox: Change?!?

      • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

        Atheist: None, they don’t believe anyone can see the light anyway.

        Jewish Mother: “Never mind, I’ll just sit here in the dark.”

        • pseudonymous coward

          Amended version: How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but then they’ll go looking to change every other lightbulb they find.

  • http://www.angelmegtm.blogspot.com Magie

    Back in the old pre-Vatican II days they were short one usher, so Fr. asked Dominic, the parish handy man to help out. Dominic wasn’t the smartest guy and was worried he wouldn’t know what to do. Fr. told him not to worry, just wait for the sign and then help pass the collection plate.

    On Monday at breakfast the Monsignor said.” Fr. do you have any idea why the collection for your last Mass was five times the normal amount?”. Fr., being a humble man knew it wasn’t because of his stirring sermon, so he went to find Dominic to see if he coukd find out what other reason there might be. When he asked Dominic about the collection, Dominic replied:

    “Well Fr. you said to wait for the sign, so every time you said “Dominic, go frisk ‘em” I passed the collection plate.”

    • The_L

      Just after,/i> Vatican II, a priest is trying to get his congregation used to the new English responses. After a while, he can open his Mass with “The Lord be with you,” “The peace of Christ be with you,” or even something longer like “The love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you,” and the congregation knows to give the new, English response: “And also with you.”

      One day, while he is giving this opening blessing, the microphone the priest is speaking into shorts out. He mutters, “There’s something wrong with this mike…”

      Obediently, the congregation responds: “And also with you!”

  • Marina

    A Dominican, a Jesuit, and a Trappist are stranded on a desert island after a boat crash. (Don’t ask.) After a while they notice an old oil lamp and rub it to clean it off for use. To their surprise a genie comes out and offers them three wishes. In fairness, they decide that each one of them will make one wish.
    The Dominican wishes, “I want to be a preacher in the largest cathedral in the world!”
    Poof!, he vanishes, and is sent to the cathedral.
    The Jesuit wishes, “I want to be a teacher at the world’s greatest Catholic university.”
    Poof! he vanishes, and is sent to the university.
    The Trappist’s turn comes to wish. He says, “Hmm, I just got what I wanted.”

  • Sam

    A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar together. The bartender sees them come in and asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”

  • jtd7

    A Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit are golfing together. When they reach the fifth tee they can’t tee off, because the foursome in front of them hasn’t teed off yet, because the foursome in front of them is still on the fairway, because the foursome in front of them hasn’t putted off the green yet! Just then the course manager comes putt-putting up in his little cart and says “Good morning, fathers, I hope you’re enjoying your round this fine day. I want to apologize for the delay in your game, but there is a foursome on the course ahead of you, and all four gentlemen in this foursome are blind. Naturally it is taking them a little longer than usual to play through. I trust you will understand, and I hope this doesn’t impair your enjoyment of your game and our course . . . ” and he goes putt-putting away.

    The Franciscan says, “Isn’t that inspiring? Close your eyes, and you can still hear the birds singing in the trees, you can still smell the new-mown grass . . . Even to these men who have been denied the gift of sight, the glories of God are revealed in nature.”

    The Dominican says, “To me, it poses yet again the problem of suffering. Why does God choose to visit affliction on one of His children, and not another? It is beyond our comprehension, and yet I feel sure it teaches something about His love for each of us. I must meditate on this.”

    The Jesuit takes a puff on his stogie and says, “So why couldn’t they golf at night?”

    • Porlock Junior

      Why do the Jesuits always get the punch lines? Anyway, here’s a tale without a Jesuit speaking the best line. (Told to me by a scholar whose work on 17th-century science in Italy gave him a close familiarity with the Church politics of the time.)

      One night there were men of four different orders taking dinner together, when the lights suddenly went out.

      After a few seconds passed, and it was clear the lights weren’t coming back on quickly, the Dominican spoke up. “Until we can see again, I suggest we have a discussion of Light, and the wonders of light in the Creation. The light that becomes the energy in our food. The light that lets us know of galaxies unimabinably far away, seen as they were billions of years ago.”

      The Franciscan, who knows none of this science but has a proper regard for Sun and Moon, replies, “An excellent idea. But shouln’t we speak rather of Jesus, the Light of the World?”

      The Benedictine, who is not up for either of these learned discussions, suggests, “This is good; but as we are in darkness, let us have the discussion in silence, as a silent meditation.”

      The Jesuit didn’t say anything. He was out changing the fuse.

  • DWiss

    Not a joke. This is the signature line for a person who posts messages on a motorcycle forum:

    I’d rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle.

  • Hanno

    This is the meanest joke I know: The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit were planning their vacations, and they told each other where they were going…. The Father told them he wanted to visit his son’s birthplace Bethlehem, Jesus said he wanted to go back to Nazareth and the Holy Ghost said he was going to Rome and the Vatican. A bit surprised by his choice of destination they asked him why, after which the Holy Ghost replied “I’ve never been there”.

  • http://iwilltouchthesky.blogspot.com Lauren {Adventures in Flip Flops}

    A friend was in front of me coming out of the Synagogue one day, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Rabbi said to him, “You need to join the Army of G-d!”

    My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi.”

    Rabbi questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Rosh Ha’Shanah and Yom Kippur?”

    He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

  • Bridget Green

    SHIRLEY WHO?!!

    A mum was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that hew was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

    The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for a whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school every day all week? Do you know her?” Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.” The little girl said, “Well, who is she?” “That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.” “Shirley Goodnest? Who on earth is she and why is she following us?” “Well” Timmy explained, “Every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm it says Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.

    The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you;

    May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

  • Jen

    St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

    “Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

    “Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.”

    “Sounds easy enough. OK.”

    So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, “What did you do for a living?”

    The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.”

    Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. “Did you have any family?” he asked.

    “Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.”

    Jesus leaned forward some more. “You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?”

    “Well, he came to me in a rather unusual way and he had holes in his hands and feet.”

    Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?”

    The old man leaned forward and whispered, “Pinocchio?”

  • Beth

    What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah’s Witness?

    Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

  • Melody

    Moses and Jesus and an elderly gentleman were part of a threesome playing golf. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
    Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.
    The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a hole in one.
    Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

  • Deacon Mike Brainerd

    Since pastors tend to be pretty busy on the weekend they generally take their day off during the week. Pastor Jim liked to take Mondays in order to recharge after the hectic weekend. One Tuesday morning the pastor was checking his voice mail and there was one lady who had left several messages, growing more agitated with each succeeding message, so he called her first.
    Lady: “You know I tried to call you all day yesterday! Where were you?”
    Pastor: “I’m sorry but Monday is my day off.”
    Lady (in rising indignation): “Well the devil never takes a day off!”
    Pastor: “Yes mam, and if I didn’t either I would be just as mean as he is.”

  • Mary Magdalene

    Another pre-Vatican II joke:

    Johnny very much wanted to be an altar boy, but his parish priest thought he was too young. “Johnny,” the kindly priest said, “the book is so heavy, you won’t be able to lift it.”

    Johnny started carrying bricks around to build up his strength. First, one, and then two, and then three. He asked the priest again if he could be an altar boy. “See, Father, I can carry three bricks.”

    “That’s good, Johnny,” the priest said, “but Latin is a hard language to learn. Let’s wait until you’re just a wee bit older.”

    “But, Father,” Johnny argued, “I already know some! Make some cocoa, make some cocoa, make lot’s of cocoa.”

  • megthered

    Jesus was on the cross and Mary and Peter and Mary Magdalene. Everyone was weeping and Jesus suddenly says “Peter! Peter!”
    Peter starts to climb up to hear Jesus’ words but was beaten down by the guards.
    “Peter, come here!” Jesus whispered. Peter again tried to climb up to the Lord, but was beaten down again.
    “Peter! Peter!” Jesus called to him.
    Peter clawed his way up the cross, with the Roman guards beating at him. He makes it up to Jesus.
    “Yes Lord. What can I do for you?”
    “Peter, I can see our house from here!”

    My son told me that joke years ago. It struck me as funny and it still makes me laugh.

  • Sara Damewood

    Great jokes! I thought these words, that I saw on a T-shirt, were hysterical… but I guess I’m going to have to replace the word “s___” with “doo doo.” I hope “doo doo” is okay. If not, I apologize! Maybe I have to reference their website, which was on the T shirt: northernsun.com.

    RELIGIONS
    Taoism: Doo doo happens.
    Hinduism: This doo doo happened before.
    Buddhism: It is only the illusion of doo doo happening.
    Zen: What is the sound of doo doo happening?
    Islam: If doo doo happens, it is the will of Allah.
    Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock. Doo doo happens.
    Atheism: There is no such thing as doo doo.
    Agnosticism: Maybe doo doo happens, and maybe it doesn’t.
    Protestantism: Doo doo won’t happen if I work harder.
    Catholicism: If doo doo happens, I deserve it. (=:
    Judaism: Why does doo doo always happen to me?
    Televangelism: Send money or doo doo will happen to you.
    Rastafarianism: Smoke that doo doo.
    Unitarianism: Who gives a doo doo.

    • David D

      Seventh Day Adventist: Doo doo happens on Saturdays.

  • http://www.ironiccatholic.com The Ironic Catholic

    Why did the chicken cross the road? The people of God respond…

    Teilhard de Chardin:
    The chicken was pursuing a teleological upsurge toward final consummation in the Omega Point of Divine Love.

    Flannery O’Connor:
    The chicken was struck by a truck while crossing the road, but experienced a flash of grace in the instant of its death. I prefer peacocks anyway.

    Thomas Aquinas:
    Whether the chicken crossed the road?
    Objection: It seems that the chicken did not cross the road, for chickens are accustomed to the farmyards that are the source of their food, and the henhouse that is the source of their rest.
    On the contrary, “And God said to Noah, ‘Go into the ark, and take with you . . . seven pairs of birds of the air. . . .” — which could not have been accomplished had the chickens not crossed the road to the ark.

    Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith:
    We don’t care why the chicken crossed the road, as long as it had the right of way and crossed in an approved crosswalk.

    St. Lawrence of Rome:
    Run, chicken, run! Run from the rotisserie!

    St. Paul:
    Let’s just hope that the chicken had a life-changing encounter with the risen Christ along the way.

    Moses:
    And the angel of the Lord went before the chicken, and there was a strong wind, and the traffic parted before the chicken, so that it was able to go into the midst of the road, with the traffic forming a wall on the left and a wall on the right, so that the chicken crossed the road safely. The farmer pursued the chicken into the midst of the road, and the angel of the Lord looked down on the chicken, and the traffic closed in on the farmer, so that the chicken did prevail with the help of the Lord.

    Father Daniel Berrigan:
    Clearly, the chicken crossed the road as a nonviolent protest of the road’s implication in the military-industrial complex.

    Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments:
    We’re not sure, but if it was trying to reach across the road to hold hands with another chicken during the Lord’s Prayer, we may have to butcher it.

    Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
    The Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church declares that this joke is not in conformity with the Catechism of the Catholic Church because 1) it lacks Trinitarian organization; 2) it fails to teach about the judgment of all chickens and the real possibility of hell for all chickens; 3) it fails to mention the fallen nature of the chicken; 4) it fails to use the male personal pronoun to refer to God . . . in fact, it doesn’t mention God at all. Why we are reviewing this? What was the question again?

    Job:
    …and while we’re getting into it, why did the chicken cross the road, anyway?
    God:
    Who is this who dares darken counsel by asking why the chicken crossed the road? Gird your loins like a man; I will question you, and you will answer me: Where were you when I made the chicken, with its ineffectual yet tasty wings? Did you give the chicken its cluck? Is it by your wisdom that the chicken runs, flapping its wings toward the distant horizon? Did you set the foundations of the earth upon which the road runneth? Answer, for surely you are great in years!
    Job:
    Of what account am I? See, I will lay my hand on my mouth, and ask no more why the chicken crossed the road.

    http://www.ironiccatholic.com/2008/01/why-did-chicken-cross-road-more-saints.html

    • http://www.hermitofbardstown.com Stephen Taylor

      The chicken crossed the road because Colonel Sanders was on his side of the road!

      • shedragon713

        the chicken crossed the road because he wanted to be poultry in motion

        • http://patheos Annie

          to see his friend Gregory peck

  • Siobhan

    In the beginning there was nothing. Then the Lord said “Let there be Light” and there was still nothing — But you could see it.

  • Peter G.

    How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three. One changes the light bulb, while the other two complain about how much better the old one was.

  • http://www.renees-camera.com FoolishMortal

    A nun was working in the convent garden when she saw a 3 legged chicken speeding by. For a moment, she thought she was seeing things until a farmer came running down the sidewalk. He asked the nun, “Did a chicken go by here recently?” The nun replied, “Yes.” “Did it have 3 legs?” Again the nun replies, “Yes, and why does your chicken have 3 legs?” The farmer explains that he, his wife and his son all like drumsticks, and he was tired of hearing all the fighting at the dinner table, so he breeds 3 legged chickens, now. The nun says, “Wow, that’s wonderful, how does it taste?” The farmer replies, “I don’t know, I haven’t been able to catch one yet.”
    I just posted this to share…I don’t know how to “tweet”!

  • http://www.hermitofbardstown.com Stephen Taylor

    A young girl goes for her first confession. Once in the confessional she can’t think of anything serious to confess so she tells the priest, “Father forgive me, I’ve committed Adultery.”

  • http://www.sherryantonettiwrites.blogspot.com Sherry

    Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.

    “I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied.

    So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

    The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

    The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it…”

    God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa,”
    He said, “… for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”

  • Susan

    There was once a painter named Wayne, who always liked to stretch a dollar when he could, so he usually thinned down his paint to make it last longer. This strategy went unnoticed, until the local Baptist church needed to have its steeple repainted. Since Wayne put in the lowest bid, he got the job.

    He started work on the steeple on a beautiful, sunny day. After he had finished and was about to climb down the ladder, large grey storm clouds rolled across the sky and rained poured down, washing all the uselessly thinned paint away. A strong gust of wind knocked Wayne from his ladder and into the graveyard below.

    Wayne was no fool. He knew that his punishment had come from none other than God and so he stood up and shouted to the heavens, “Oh, God, forgive me! What must I do to make recompense?”

    A booming voice answered him, saying, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

  • shedragon713

    A few years ago, a young priest went to work in an Abbey and his first job was to copy the ancient scriptures of the bible by hand. One day, he noticed a problem. All the priests, who were doing the same thing, were making copies from other copies and he went to the Abbot and told him about it.
    “Father…” The young priest explained, “If there was just one mistake made then it’s been repeated over and over again!”

    The Abbot thanked the priest for noticing the problem and disappeared. Hours later, when no one had seen him all day, the worried priest went searching and finally found him sobbing over the original text, which had been locked away in the Monastery’s safe for centuries.

    “We forgot the “R”!” He kept sobbing, over and over.

    The young priest was somewhat taken aback at his distress and said;
    “Father, what’s wrong?”
    Tearfully, the old Abbot looked up and said;

    “Celebrate… the word was celebrate.”

  • Holly in Nebraska

    First monk joke I heard. Still the best.

    A man joins a monastery that takes a vow of silence, except that every 20 years they get to say 2 words. For 20 years the monk kept his vow, and then the abbot called him into his office and asked him if he had anything to say. The monk said, “Bed hard.” The abbot said, “Fine,” and sent the monk back to his work. Twenty more years pass and monk kept his vow. The abbot then called him in again and asked him if he had anything to say. “Food bad,” said the monk. And the abbot sent him back to his work. The next day the abbot called him back into his office and said “Brother, I don’t think you have a vocation. You’ve done nothing but bitch and complain since you got here.”

    • Arepo

      My favorite joke in the world. You beat me to it. Well done.

  • Raymond Wells

    Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew – homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual unseemliness – Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
    How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
    Jim

    • Katie Andrews

      That sounds remarkably like President Bartlett’s smackdown on the West Wing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHaVUjjH3EI

      I wonder which came first?

      • Connor

        Variants of this were definitely making the rounds before the West Wing episode–I know when I saw the episode when it originally aired I recognized it from a letter to the editor in the local paper. Of course, the West Wing version has that extra Aaron Sorkin zip.

  • http://www.sumeru-books.com Karma Yonten Gyatso

    See, that’s the trouble with Buddhist jokes. Told by no one, with no punchline, and essentially all the same. Plus, they keep changing.

  • Nate Whilk

    Years ago Martin Gardner collected some Biblical word play from the KJV. Some of them:

    Who were the smallest men in the Bible? — 1) Habbakuk. Habbakuk 2:1: “I will stand upon my watch”. 2) Peter, who slept on his watch (Matthew 26:40).

    Name the smallest insects in the Bible — The “widow’s mite” and the “wicked flee”.

    Where is cigarette smoking mentioned? Genesis 24:64. “Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.”

  • Nate Whilk

    Here beginneth the news. Yesterday, on the road from Sodom, a Mrs. Lot turned into a pillar of salt. Will anyone who saw the accident please call REvelations 7-7777.

    –An excerpt of “BBC B.C.” from the show “Cambridge Circus”
    ======

    Moses was tending his sheep in the desert. And he heard someone cry, “Moses!” (in a voice very much like Charlton Heston’s). He turned to the direction of the voice and saw a bush that was burning but did not consume itself! (How about that, folks!)

    And the bush said, “Moses, take thy sandals from off thy feet, for the land you are standing on is holy land.”

    Moses took off his sandals, approached the bush, and burned his feet.

    And the bush said, “Ahaaa! Third one today!”

    Moses swore. We’re not sure what he said, but there are many Old Testament scholars who to this day believe this was the first mention of Christ in the Bible.

    –from the LP “The Incredible Shrinking God” by David Steinberg

    ====================
    Did you hear about the wine snob and the first time he received the Communion cup? He said, “Bah! You call this Jesus? Bring me something with a little more body.”
    –comedian Linda Smith

  • Betsy

    Three engineers are discussing God, each trying to claim Him.
    The mechanical engineer says, “When I see the human body in motion, with its magnificent skeleton and musculature working in co-ordination with such grace and strength, I’m proud to say that God must be a mechanical engineer.”
    The electrical engineer says, “No, no, NO! Behold the wonders of the human brain and nervous system! God is, of course, an electrical engineer.”
    The civil engineer says, “You’re both wrong – God is obviously a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewer pipe through a recreational area?”

  • http://www.renees-camera.com Foolish Mortal

    Little Johnny was chosen at school to be the narrator of the Christmas play. He knew his lines perfectly, but he was having some difficulty remembering all the names. His teacher suggested that he write all the names in order inside the waist band of his underpants and when he came to a name he could just look down and read it. On the night of the play he started his narration: There was a man named …(pause as he looks at his waistband) Joseph, and his wife’s name was…..(pause as he looks at waistband) Mary. She gave birth to a son, and they named him… (pause)…Calvin Klein.

  • Ellen

    Jesus had been preaching, teaching and healing for several months and his robe was getting pretty shabby looking. So he went to Moishe’s shop and asked to buy a new one. Moishe measured Jesus and came up with a very nice looking garment. Jesus asked, “How much do I owe you”? Moishe said, “Rabbi, for you it’s free, but I ask that if anyone wants to know where you got your fine new robe, would you please mention my name”. So Jesus did just that and pretty soon Moishe’s business had grown so much, he had to hire new help. When Jesus came by, Moishe thanked him and asked if he’d like to be a partner. Jesus agreed and said they should call the new business, Jesus and Moishe. Moishe protested and said he’d be doing most of the work, so they should call it Moishe and Jesus. They discussed the matter for a while and then came up with a name that pleased both of them.
    Lord and Taylor

  • Marc Mullinax

    Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, wanted to join a church and went to a new members class. The priest said, “We have one special requirement: you must abstain from sex for 2 weeks.” The couples all agreed and came back after the two week trial.
    The prist went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex?”
    The old man smiled, “No problem at all, Father.”
    “Congratulatiopns! Welcome to our church.”

    The priest went to the middle-aged couple: “Were you able to abstain from sex for the 2 weeks?”
    The man replied, “The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch. But yep, we made it!”
    “Congratulations! Welcome to our church.”

    The priest then went to the newlyweds: Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
    “No, Father, we were not,” the young man hung his head in sadness.
    “What happened?” inquired the priest.
    “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” he said. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
    “You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” the priest stated.
    “We know,” said the man’s wife. “We’re not welcome at the Safeway anymore either.”

  • Marc Mullinax

    A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
    Wait, there’s more.

    So the hot dog vender gives the monk his hotdog, takes the five dollar bill, and gives only a dollar back.
    “Wait,” says the monk, “Where’s my change?”
    “Ah!” says the vendor. “You know, O Venerable One, that change comes from within!”

  • Marc Mullinax

    A young boy is looking at the wall of plaques in the front of the church. The minister comes up behind him and asks him what he’s thinking. The young boy asks the minister, “What are these for?” The minister tells him that these are in honor of those who have died in service.

    After thinking a minute, the young boy asks, “The 8:30 or the 11 o’clock one?”

  • Jeff Smith

    Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
    “What have you done, Tommy O’Connor?” , asked the priest.
    “I had sex with a girl.”
    “Who was it, Tommy?” the priest asked again.
    “I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”
    “Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?” the priest pressed further.
    “No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”
    “Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”
    “No father, please forgive me for my sin.”
    “Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O’Keefe.” the priest stated in exasperation.
    “No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”
    “Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.”
    So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did ya get?” asked Joseph.
    Said Tommy, excitedly, “Well I got 5 Hail Mary’s, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”

  • Marc Mullinax

    The Bible and PMS
    A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS mood swings.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

    The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

  • David F

    A priest, a Lutheran pastor and a televangelist were talking about how they determine what proportion of the weekly collection they should use to support themselves ad what proportion should go to the poor and other needs. The priest says “I draw a circle in the middle of the church and stand inside it. Then I throw the collection into the air whatever falls into the circle I keep and whatever falls outside it I give to the holy poor.” Next, the Lutheran Pastor says ” I do something very similar. I divide the Church into two halves and stand on the line. Whatever falls to the left is for me and whatever falls to the right is for God’s work.” Finally the televangelist says: “I have you beat. I stand in the middle of the Church and throw the money up. Whatever God wants He keeps and whatever falls to floor is for me”.

  • Bob M

    The phone rang in the Pope’s Vatican office. The Cardinal serving as Secretary of Audio Communication answered it. As the Cardinal listened, his jaw dropped and his faced looked stunned. The Pope said “whatever is the matter?” The Cardinal said, “Holy Father I has some good news and some bad news.” The Pope said “Well, give me the good news first.” The Cardinal said “Jesus has returned, it’s the Second Coming!” Pope: “That’s fantastic news! What could possibly be bad news in light of that?” Cardinal: “He’s calling from Salt Lake City.”

    • Norm

      Alternative punchline: God’s on the phone… from Salt Lake City… and boy is She mad!

  • MZ

    So the son comes back from his first year in law school and tells his father his plans: quit law school. The father is horrified and storms out of the house… pondering what to do, he wanders the streets and find himself at the synagogue.

    Inside, he encounters the rabbi who asks him why he is so agitated. After listening to the man, the rabbi says “Oy, so YOU’VE got a son?” and in a quiet voice relates to the man how the rabbi’s son quit rabbinical school to marry his non-jewish girlfriend. At the end, both men are silent, pondering what fate has given them. The rabbi then says: “But I talk with G-d.”

    The man, intrigued, asks: “So what does G-d say?”

    The rabbi sighs. “G-d says ‘So YOU’VE got a son?’”

  • Gina

    Here’s one for theology majors and B16 fans:

    Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Ratzinger all die and go to heaven. Upon arrival, they are told they will need to meet with St. Peter before being admitted through the pearly gates.

    Hans Kung goes in to talk with St. Peter first. After an hour, he emerges, sobbing. “God forgive me!” Kung cries. “I have been so wrong…”
    He enters into heaven.

    Karl Rahner goes in next. Again, after an hour, he comes out in tears. “God forgive me!” he sobs. “I was so blind.” He enters into Heaven as well.

    Ratzinger goes in. An hour later, St. Peter comes out weeping. “God forgive me!” he cries. “I’ve been so wrong…”

  • Nate Whilk

    A classic from Ronald Knox (commenting on Bishop Berkeley):

    There once was a man who said, “God
    Must find it exceedingly odd
    When He finds that this tree
    Continues to be
    When no one’s about in the Quad.”

    Reply (anonymous)

    “Dear sir,
    Your astonishment’s odd.
    *I* am always about in the Quad.
    And that’s why the tree
    Continues to be,
    Since observed by
    Yours faithfully,
    God.”

  • Nick

    So I go down to the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, because I hear that these monks there make the best fish and chips in all of the United States. I eat there, and it is indeed as delicious as advertised, so delicious in fact that I have to back to the kitchen and thank the cook. And there is a man in monkly robes slaving away over the stove-”Excuse me sir, are you the fish friar?”

    “No,” he says, “I’m the chip monk.”

  • http://geekachicas.com Nightsky

    How do you make holy water?

    You take ordinary water, and boil the hell out of it.

  • Brian

    Never go fishing with a Baptist–he’ll drink all your beer.

    Go fishing with two Baptists–you get the cooler to yourself.

  • SherlocksPal

    What do Michael Jordan and Jesus Christ have in common?

    Good hang time.

  • http://www.progressivechristianitybook.com Roger Wolsey

    1) How many [Methodists] does it take to change a light bulb?
    CHANGE? What do you MEAN “Change”?!! My Grandmother DONATED that lightbulb!!

    2) Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
    Yeah, He stayed awake all night trying to figure out if there really is a Dog or not.

    • The_L

      There was another dyslexic fellow who was worried about temptations from Santa.

  • http://cboye.wordpress.com katz

    Little metahumor for the nerds:

    “But Lord, why is it that during the hardest trials of my life, there was only one set of footprints?”

    “Because, my child, sand people always ride single file, to hide their numbers.”

  • ajollynerd

    A Franciscan friar decided to open a flower shop in a small Scottish town. This annoyed the town’s existing florist, as there wasn’t enough business for the two of them.

    The florist went to the town council, to have them remove the friar and his encroaching business. The council shrugged their shoulders, saying they couldn’t stop the friar from selling flowers in the town.

    Enraged, the florist sought the services of Hugh MacTaggart, the biggest, meanest thug in the county. Hugh heard the florist’s story and agreed to help.

    The next day, the news reported a strange disturbance at the friary. The result was that the friar stopped selling flowers, and he left the town shortly thereafter.

    The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

  • Cactus Wren

    (Disclaimer: I’m not Jewish.)

    So this woman has died, and she approaches the gates of Heaven where she’s met by the Recording Angel. He looks up her record and says, “No. You can’t get into Heaven simply because you’re too *good* — you’ll make the other people here feel inferior. Look at this record. Every single act you’ve ever done in your Earthly life was a mitzvah, a good deed! You have to have *some* sins on your record. I’ll give you two hours back on Earth, and in that time I want you to commit at least one sin. Remember, a sin. Not a mitzvah — a *sin*.”

    So, back to Earth she goes. She’s wandering around, trying to think of some sin she can commit without harming anyone, and she comes to a very raunchy dive bar in a rough area of town. Sitting at the end of the bar is the filthiest, most repugnant old drunk she could ever imagine, and she thinks, “There’s my sin.”

    So she approaches him, they talk for a few minutes, and off they go to the nearest rooms-by-the-hour motel, where nature takes its course. The woman is getting dressed, feeling rather pleased with herself and her sin, when she hears the man’s voice from the bed:

    “Oy, honey, what a mitzvah you’ve just done for me!”

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    A priest, a Baptist minister, and a Charismatic pastor are all riding in a car together, when suddenly they are hit by a truck and all killed. To their surprise, they awake in hell, and begin to discuss it.

    “i’m not sure why I’m here,” said the priest. “I was baptized, went to confession daily, was ordained, and took communion regularly.”

    “I’m not sure why I’m here either,” said the Baptist. “I always believed once saved always saved.”

    They turn to the Charismatic, who responds, “I’m not confessing it!”

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    Q: What did the Calvinist say after he fell down the stairs?
    A: Glad I got that over with.

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years, then finally rescued. As he is being airlifted in a helicopter, the pilot sees a group of buildings on the island and asks the man what they are.

    “Well, that one is my house, and that one is my church.”

    “And what about that other one?” asks the pilot.

    “Oh,” replies the man, “that’s the church i USED to go to.”

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    A rich man is on his deathbed, and is afraid he is going to hell, so he calls his assistant over.

    “Henry, please give $20 to charity in my name” he requests.

    The rich man soon dies, and appears at the Pearly Gates.

    “So,” says St. Peter, “by what merit do you intend to enter heaven?”

    “Well,” the man responds, “I gave $20 to charity once.”

    “Wait here while I check with the boss” Peter replies.

    A moment later, Peter returns and asks what God said.

    Peter replies, “He said, ‘give him back his twenty dollars and tell him to go to hell!’”

    That was my grandpa’s favorite joke, he would laugh till he teared up.

    • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

      btw, it’s the rich man who asks what god said – no edits on these comments!

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    Q: Why don’t Baptists ever have sex standing up?
    A: They don’t want anyone to see them and think they are dancing!

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    Q: If you go on a fishing trip, how many Baptists should you bring with you?
    A: Always at least 2. If you bring 1, he will drink all of your beer. If you bring 2, neither will drink.

  • http://www.wholereason.com dgsinclair

    Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
    A: Make me one with everything.

    So the Buddhist receives his hot dog, and gives the vendor a 20 dollar bill.

    “Thank you,” replies the vendor.

    “Where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist.

    “Change must come from within,” replies the vendor.

  • http://sophasaurus.blogspot.com Tim

    A Jewish man’s son decides he is going to convert to Christianity. The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice.

    “It’s funny you should come to me,” his friend says, “because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually realized that he’s always going to be my son, no matter what faith he follows. He still celebrates the high holidays with us, and we’ll sometimes visit his house for Christmas, and if anything, I might say it’s made our family stronger.”

    The father goes home and thinks on this, but he still can’t help himself from continuing to be upset, no matter what he says to himself in his head. So he goes to talk to his rabbi about it.

    “It’s funny you should come to me,” the rabbi begins, “because my son became a Christian when he went off to college. Wanted to become an Anglican priest, he did! Whether I like it or not, though, he’s still my son, my flesh and blood, and I couldn’t stop loving him for a thing like that. It also means that when we talk about God together, he brings a perspective I might not hear otherwise, and in some ways I’m glad it happened.”

    The father goes home to think on this, and still, all he wants to do is yell and scream at his son for what he’s doing. So he gets down on his knees and prays, saying, “Lord, help me out. My son is becoming a Christian, and I feel like it’s tearing my family apart. I don’t know what to do. Help me out, Lord.”

    And he hears God reply, “It’s funny you should come to me…”

  • Panda Rosa

    Here’s a favorite: Three couples have all died together in a plane wreck. At the pearly gates St. Peter first asks the wives if they want to go ahead to Heaven, but they all prefer to stay with their husbands. “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he sighs, then turns to the first man. “You, you’re the biggest cheapskate I’ve seen in ages! You open your wallet and George Washington blinks at the light! You love money so much you even married a girl named Penny! I’m sentencing you to 100 years cleaning out the dung pits in Purgatory.” Sadly the first couple trudged off toward the dung pits.
    He then turns to the second man. “And you, you’re even worse, the worst lush I’ve ever known! You watered your garden with whiskey just to raise stewed tomatoes! Why you love drinking so much you even married a girl named Brandy! I’m sentencing you to 200 years in the dung pits!” At that news the second couple also sadly followed the first.
    Saint Peter turns to the third man, shaking so much he can barely speak, “And you, you, why you—” At that the man sighs and says, “C’mon, Fanny, let’s go.”

    Naughty but fun.

  • kaycee

    An atheist is walking through the woods. He sees a beautiful tree and says “What a triumph of evolution.” He sees a beautiful fawn. He says “What a triumph of evolution.” He sees a very large, very hungry black bear. He says, “Oh God.” God replies, “For 60 years you have refused to believe in me. Now you are in trouble and I suppose you want me to save you.” The atheist says, “OK, God I don’t deserve to be saved. Could you, perhaps, turn the bear into a Christian?” The bear says, “Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts…”

  • Elizabby

    Three professionals are arguing about which is the oldest and most respectable profession.

    The surgeon says “When God made Eve out of Adam’s rib, that was the first surgery, so mine is the oldest profession!”

    The accountant says “When God created order out of chaos that was done with mathematics, so mine is the oldest profession!”

    But then the politician said “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

    *****

    In God we Trust – all others have to pay cash.

    *****

    The Five most constipated men of the Bible:
    5) Moses – went up on the mountain and took 2 tablets.
    4) David – sat on the throne for forty years
    3) Cain – because he wasn’t Abel.
    2) Solomon – neither heaven nor earth could move him.
    1) Noah – was on the ark for 40 days and nights and could only pass water.

  • The_L

    Here’s one I heard from a Pagan friend in college:

    A Wiccan High Priestess, a minister, and a rabbi decide to have a picnic together in the spirit of interfaith cooperation. The picnic spot they decide on is on a lovely little island in the middle of a lake. So on the day of the picnic, they all row out together. They don’t get far before the rabbi realizes that he forgot to lock his car door. He climbs out of the boat and walks on water back to the shore to lock his car door. The minister stares.

    A little further along, the high priestess needs to use the ladies’ room. So she climbs out of the boat and she, too, walks on water to the shore and the public restrooms. The minister is amazed.

    Finally, the minister decides that if the others can walk on water then through the grace of God he should also be able to do so. So he makes up an excuse, climbs out of the boat–and falls into the lake.

    As they’re pulling the minister back into the boat, the rabbi turns to the Wiccan priestess and asks, “Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?”

    And the priestess replies, “What rocks?”

  • Mark

    Two nuns are driving back from an Italian hospital when their car engine dies. The first nun asks, “What’s wrong with the engine?” The second nun says, “I don’t know, we’d better pray.” So they begin to pray, and suddenly nun #1 says, “Look at that gauge! The needle is pointing to ‘E’. The car must be out of gas!”

    “Praise the Lord, sister,” replies nun #2, “God has answered our prayer!” “But where will get gas?” asks nun #1. “You’re right,” says nun #2, “we’d better pray again.” So they begin to pray, and pretty soon nun #2 says, “I just remembered, we passed a gas station about half a kilometer back!”

    This time they both thank God for answering their prayer, but then nun #1 says, “But what will we carry the gas in?” “I don’t know sister,” says nun #2, “we’d better pray again.” So they pray again, and then nun #2 says, “I know! We can use those bedpans in the trunk!”

    Some time later, a shepherd comes herding some sheep along the road and sees the two nuns pouring the contents of two bedpans into the fuel tank. He shakes his head and continues down the road. He hasn’t gone very far when the nuns drive by in their car.

    The shepherd stares in amazement as the car goes by and mutters to himself, “Now that’s-a what I call faith!”

    P.S. another short man in the Bible: Job 2:11 – Bildad the Shuhite.

  • pilgrim

    Why should you always take two Mormons fishing with you?

    Because if you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer.

  • jafd

    A seminary professor called up the computer support tech, said
    “I’m having a problem. This morning, I printed out the syllabus for my course on the Synoptic Gospels, and it came out fine. This afternoon, I tried printing out the syllabus for my course on Postmodern Hermeneutics, and all I got was gibberish. Can you give me a hand here?”

    The tech came up, looked around, said
    “Well, what do you expect from a Canon printer?”

  • eosb

    A priest arrives at the Pearly Gates after serving God’s people for more than 6 decades. A cab driver is there already. When St. Peter arrives, he welcomes them both to heaven and opens the gates. “I can take you both together,” he says, and off they go.

    They are soon in an area filled with large houses, some are even mansions. St. Peter stops in front of an impressive home with an elegant garden and flowing fountain out front. “This is your new home,” he says to the cab driver, who looks surprised, but goes in.

    St. Peter and the priest continue to walk along. The houses are still quite nice, but much more modest in size. St. Peter stops in front of a cozy bungalow with a small plot of grass in front. “This is your new home,” he says to the priest.

    “But,” the priest says in surprise,”how can this be? It’s lovely, I’m sure, but I devoted more than 60 years to prayer, celebrating the sacraments – all those marriages and funerals. That cab driver is a good and holy man, I’m sure, but all he did was drive people from one place to another – yet he has such a huge mansion. Is there some mistake?”

    “Oh, no,” said St. Peter, “you both worked very hard all your lives. But while you preached, people slept. When he drove, they prayed.”

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  • shedragon713

    this one made me laugh out loud!!!

    p.s. Some of us non-home-schoolers also know what that means.


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