This is the problem with writing while emotional: when I write angry I invariably say things I regret and end up having to own it – but when I write contrite and humbled, I get people worried.
After writing this I got an flurry of emails wondering if I was okay, especially since I haven’t written much since then.
I fine. I thank you for the wondering (and the prayers – that I always need and will greedily take) and I’m okay. Really, that post was kind of a continuation of this one, since this Lent seems to have stuck me somewhere between the Incarnation and Original Sin. You find me sitting here typing away with synapses fried – it’s a wonder I ever make sense to anyone.
You’d be amazed if I told you how often I have no idea what I’m writing. So much of it is simply “where I am of a moment” that I’ll write something and two days later barely recollect it. I’ve had people quote myself back to me and I’ve thought…”wow…that’s not bad, who said that?” Sometimes I’ll be looking thru the sitemeter and see someone reading something and go read it for myself, because I’ve totally spaced writing it to begin with.
You might call me detached. Both in good and bad ways.
In any case, if you are are wondering if I am in a depressed mood, please know I’m really not. It’s just that in prayer we learn things we don’t always like and when we encounter ourselves laid bare, it’s rarely pretty. That day I felt like my prayer was bringing me to the cusp of gleaning something that was bigger than my own brain could comprehend. I’m still working on it. But I’m not depressed. I’m just trying to figure out how to be what God calls me to be, and do the work I’m supposed to do, and also put some money in the rent jar and manage to get my worn out kitchen floor clean all at the same time.
It turns out I can’t multitask, anymore. Maybe that ability leaves when the children leave; suddenly it all seems like such a challenge to do a few things at a time!
But really – I’m okay – a bit confused and heartsore, but that’s not really a bad way to be.