The Big Business of Vaginas

The headline reads “No more dancing around feminine hygiene.”, and the accompanying article notes that starlets no longer fearing the tag “harlot” openly discuss their favorite vaginal tattoos.

Honestly, as a mom who has had to endure sitting through those “do you ever feel not-so-fresh” and “watch my tampon bloom” commercials with teenage sons, it feels like hygiene and vajayjays have hardly been danced around. But I suppose it was inevitable that a society in decline would finally end up fixating on and decorating their vaginas and penises. It sort of goes along with the whole back-to-the-sandbox mentality that has taken hold of us.

Nevertheless, over at Instapundit, the ever-economical and succinct Glenn Reynolds notes “The vagina is becoming big business; you mean it wasn’t before?”

Actually, it’s been “big” business (if the vagi-vain can tolerate the term) since at least July of 2008, when the New York Times did a feature story on a new “pelvic health center” meant to er, snap aging vagina’s back into shape, and otherwise pretty them up.

Remember, it was the last year of the Bush administration, and the Times had been waxing hysterical over the economy for 5 years. The temptation to play with it all was too great; I couldn’t resist:

On one hand, the press is telling us that America is in terrible shape: she is economically depressed.

Bad Bush = tight spot.

But wait! On the other hand, this NY Times feature on a woman’s pelvic fitness spa, suggests that tight spots may have absolutely nothing to do with bad old Bush at all!

And if women are paying $150.00 a pop to wrap their vaginal muscles around a doctor’s fingers then perhaps people are not feeling as squeezed as we’ve been led to believe!

…comes the first medi spa in Manhattan wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genital area. Phit — short for pelvic health integrated techniques…
[...]
…At the spa, the signature treatment will be a $150 gynecological exam — in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around Dr. Romanzi’s fingers — to determine by feel whether muscle tone is weak, moderate or strong.

Dr. Romanzi likes to call the vaginal workouts she prescribes “personal training.” Clients could also use an in-office electrostimulation machine to improve pelvic muscle tone or buy a device for home use. Dr. Romanzi said that such treatments are intended to improve bladder control; she said pelvic training may also lead to more intense orgasms.

Of course, if bad old Bush has left you so high, dry and empty that you can’t afford the $150.00 to get “Phit” as a phiddle and ready for love, perhaps a trip to the local hardware store and a ride on the paint-mixer could do the trick.

There are no medical standards for determining what constitutes normal “fitness” or how to evaluate it, said Dr. Abbey B. Berenson, a gynecologist who directs the Center for Interdisciplinary Research in Women’s Health at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston.
[...]
But Dr. Romanzi believes all women might benefit from such exercises. “If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these,” she said. “It’s the dental floss of feminine fitness.”

My voting vagina rejects the analogy to dental floss – it makes her wince into a stern and metal-bending Kegel. She gets a mental image of taking a minty green thread and whoopsing it back and forth between her labia to dislodge errant bits of poppy seed, or something, and votes a loud and resounding “nay” on the entallay lossflay! One hopes the good doctor will find a riper, juicier simile, lickety split!

The spa will also offer cosmetic laser treatments intended to tighten the skin of the vulva in post-menopausal women.

“The outer layer can become almost scrotal, very wrinkly and lax,” Dr. Romanzi said.

Finally, there is some way women and men can be equal!

She treats pelvic skin using a combined laser and radio frequency device that is designed for facial skin and has not been studied for safety and efficacy when used on the vulva, she said. But she said the laser does not penetrate deeply enough to affect internal organs like ovaries.

That’s what I want – I want radio frequencies in my vagina! Just slip a little Guinness in there, and we’ll have a party! And why not get the ovaries dancing, too? Let’s have a shindig! Twist and shout!

My warrior vagina looks with disdain on these primping vacuous and self-obsessed vaginas of vulgar vanity, and she suggests their owners take themselves in hand before they get completely nipped and tucked and runned amok! She is willing to explore the vagaries of vaginal aging because she is secure in herself and valiant in vulvic fortitude; she bucks trends!

My vagina blows deep and incessant raspberries – from the cervix on down – at the clitoral crybabies who will resort to cunning stunts to maintain an illusion of youth. “Dry up! Be happy with yourselves the way you are,” she roars to her sister vaginas. “The way of the wise woman allows pit stops to whet the whistle, and tickle the tuner, but it’s never required an engine overhaul!”

Are there not enough ways the beauty, fashion and medical industries make women feel inadequate? Must even the labia be labeled a “work in progress…”?

Thank heavens for the NY Times – with their mediating editorial intelligences, we may not know about victories in a strengthened Iraq, but we know where to go for victories in a strengthened vulva, and that’s what really matters, isn’t it?

I’m sorry. I know all of that was really bad of me, and vulgar. But some things just can’t be mocked enough.

About Elizabeth Scalia
  • Michelene Orteza

    I personally love the term “warrior vagina” and hope to work it into conversation whenever possible.

  • Michael Demers

    I couldn’t help but think of Gargantua and Pantagruel after reading you.

  • http://jscafenette.com/ Manny

    From that news article, “Gen Y people are more relaxed about their bodies”. What a crock. As if people from the 60′s generation haven’t been comfortable with nudity? Where have they been these last fifty years. There was a time when people had class and refrained from such baseness.

  • Thos Collins

    If cell phones cause cancer what will radio freqs and laser treatemnts cause? Lack of sensation, perhaps?
    Tort lawyers stay tuned, I smell class action.

    It’s not NICE to fool Mother Nature.

  • tempus fugit

    So much for feminine mystique.

  • Catherine A.

    Where is the Anchoress, and what have you done with her, you nasty hacker!?

  • Jim Hicks

    Rush talked on this topic for a couple of minutes Friday. He was reading from an AP story. Little did I know it was this complex!

    When I was a kid back in the 50′s, this area of our bodies was referred to as our “privates.” Ah, what happened?

  • Karen LH

    Well, this was a startling topic to find in the RSS feed this morning.

    But, you’re right: The whole thing is ridiculous.

  • Elaine S.

    I don’t think this is really anything new. In the novel “The Godfather”, which is set in the 1940s and 1950s, Lucy Mancini — the maid of honor at Connie Corleone’s wedding who has an affair with Sonny — moves to Las Vegas after Sonny’s death, where she meets a handsome doctor and ends up having an operation to, shall we say, tighten things up down there (this part of the story was left out of the movie). Lucy’s doctor friend tells her that this operation is quite common and that he personally knows Hollywood stars (of the 1940s, mind you) who have had it.

    I suspect Mario Puzo wouldn’t have put that in the story if he didn’t have reason to believe that such things really were done back then. (The doctor in question also performs illegal abortions on Vegas showgirls, and we all know that abortion existed back then even if it was illegal and less frequent.) The only difference is that they weren’t publicized.

  • Pete from Mpls.

    I’ll have to go down to the Home Depot today to see if there are any ladies taking you up on your advice. If so, think I’ll order up a gallon of Passion Red.

  • CV

    Well this certainly puts a new spin on my reflections on the “workers in the vineyard” today.

  • http://www.seasonsofgrace.net Kathy Schiffer

    Remember how the feminists have scoffed at men, accusing them of thinking with a certain part of their anatomy and not with their brains?

    To paraphrase the old saw: What’s sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose. I guess women can be genitalists, just as they guys can.

  • Sophia

    Given the offensiveness of being subjected to tampon commercials on TV way back when (of course now we have ads all over the place for E.D….just as offensive, perhaps even more so) and your distaste for having had to endured them, WHY ARE YOU SUBJECTING US TO THIS? Is it really necessary? I for one am in no way ignorant of the fact that we live in a sex saturated culture…it’s difficult, if not near to impossible, to avoid the evidence. Do we really need this added to the body of evidence? I didn’t. I can’t believe it does any good to further publicize such info without further contributing to the desensitization of our sensibilities.

  • Rich Fader

    I confess I’ve never thought of Guinness quite the same way ever since that other post…you know, something about slurping up a bucketful, singing “Irish Eyes” and whistling the refrain.

    Cheers!

  • Rich Fader

    Okay, I read the article.

    Personally, I’m shocked we haven’t seen TV ads for the hair dye, and doubly shocked we haven’t seen the “Just For Men” version yet.

    We live in absurd times.

  • kenneth

    “…….When I was a kid back in the 50’s, this area of our bodies was referred to as our “privates.” Ah, what happened?”…………..

    They received a field promotion! :)

  • Fr. Frank

    Anchoress, you crack me up! I’m going to save this article for those rare occasions I have a private pity party about the whole celibacy and loneliness thing. It’s kind of like “Dr. Ruth Meets Stephen King.” Gack!

  • http://Janehartman.com Jane Hartman

    Ick! But pretty funny. I was watching a wedding show where the bride V-dazzled for her wedding night.

  • http://www.winefredswell.blogspot.com Winefred

    You, lady, are a riot. Has Dr. Romanzi ever been charged? His standard diagnostic procedure seems less like medicine than a pervy little hobby.

  • anniebird

    I roar with laughter whenever you write about vaginas – warrior or otherwise. You are so right to treat the whole “up with vaginas movement” humorously:)

  • Hal Duston

    The mind boggles:

    Hysteria — A romantic comedy about the invention of the vibrator starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Felicity Jones and Hugh Dancy.

  • Padrik

    Take my name off your mailing list. I love sex with my wife and am not a prude but this discussion here… disgusts me.


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