I’ve tried fasting many times since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety. Things always turn out the same way, no matter how I tweak the circumstances. In the beginning, everything is normal, quiet even. It’s as though I don’t have a mental illness at all and I’m just like anyone else trying to fast. For one day or so, I’m fine and I can handle the demands of the spiritual exercise. But on or about the third... Read more
I have a general fear of acting out or impulsively doing things that are inappropriate and harmful; to myself or others; though I’ve never acted on those impulses. They’re just things I think about repeatedly until I get butterflies in my stomach. I guess you could call it a phobia of doing something horrible. I’m genuinely afraid I’ll impulsively do something I don’t mean and it scares me so much that I get goosebumps and have heart palpitations thinking about... Read more
Here’s the thing. I’m not mad at anybody for not understanding what I go through on a daily basis. Everybody has their own struggles and their own issues. I understand that. What hurts is when I say I’m lonely and isolated, and I want to explain what this feels like, people always rush to commiserate. And for a moment I think, maybe I’m not the only one living in a black hole, in this box of nothingness. People say, ‘reach... Read more
The reality is it isn’t easy. By the time you’re actually approved for disability you’re usually destitute. There’s no other way to put it. Even if you get a large sum of back pay, you’ve exhausted your savings and built up so many medical bills and other expenses that by the time you see your check, it’s all but spent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to be able to sustain myself with what I receive from social security.... Read more
I began thinking about applying for disability in 2012. I had lost my job after a bad manic episode. At that time my mom was battling inflammatory breast cancer as well, and my children had just returned from a four year stay in Senegal with their father’s family. Stressed out doesn’t even come close to my mental state at the time. I simply couldn’t work under those conditions. I couldn’t even get off my couch or take care of myself... Read more
I was feeling vulnerable. I was feeling less than pretty. I was feeling old and worn, discarded by society somehow. I needed validation in that moment. I needed acceptance and maybe a bit of ego stroking. I’m human too, after all. But I was rebuffed. I was brushed aside like my feelings don’t even matter. That really hurt. I didn’t say anything though. I never do in those situations. I don’t feel comfortable expressing when I’m feeling like I need... Read more
People say the opposite of addiction is connection. I struggle with loneliness and a feeling of not being connected a lot of the time. I also have what is known as an addictive personality. So it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that I would have developed addiction issues and alcohol dependence at a point during my life. I talk about my mental health issues every day both online and in real life. But my emotional issues I don’t... Read more
*I wrote this short paragraph one night when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I was involved in an unconventional friendship with a person who at the time didn’t see me the way in which I saw him. It made our friendship very challenging to say the least. I want him to take me seriously. To see me; all of me, no matter how wild and uncontrolled that ‘me’ is. As a person, I mean. Not as a group of symptoms... Read more
Nobody really understands loneliness. At least that’s how I feel. And it’s probably different for each person. For me loneliness is like a sudden vacuum of feelings and emotions. Like the wind has been knocked out of me and I can’t breathe. It’s as if the world is spinning without me and I’m watching from inside my little bubble. I can see people going about their daily lives and routines, but I can’t join in. And that hurts more than... Read more
The Muslim Hippie
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