Because I'm Broken

I used to work at this bar called Club Baloo in Amarillo as a bartender. The club was owned by a man and his wife and they had 3 daughters. I loved all three girls from the beginning, but the oldest and I hit it off from the minute I told her that 15 year olds shouldn’t smoke and she told me it was none of my business. We grew closer and closer as the months and years went on and one night my ex-husband and I were put in charge of taking all three of them to a Third Eye Blind concert. When the first band was announced we all complained that we had no idea who they were at all. We sat and listened to them and they seemed pretty good but then right before the last song they were going to play the lead singer gets up to the mic and says that they are from South Africa. The girls are from South Africa so they lost it and then he played “Broken” as an acoustic song. The band’s name is Seether and that became our favorite song.

A year or so later, the oldest sister was diagnosed with bone cancer and she almost died. It was really one of the hardest times in my life because there was this girl who was like my sister and I could not fix her pain. The words to the song became so true and that was the only prayer that I could pray for her to get better. I was not Catholic then and I didn’t pray, I had nothing but this song to help me beg God to save this girl.

She did survive.

I was sitting in my car when I heard the radio announcement that Seether would be doing a meet and greet at the Hooter’s that I had worked at for a few years and that the radio personality that was hosting it was a friend of mine. I decided to stop what I was doing and get to that Hooter’s and meet the band. As soon as I walked onto the patio I saw Shaun Morgan, the lead singer sitting at a table alone. I walked up to him and introduced myself. He asked me if I wanted a beer and I said yes and sat down. I told him all about how the girls and I had heard them in concert and about Tash. How she was from South Africa and had just went into remission from the bone cancer. He asked me if we wanted to go to their concert the next day and I said “Hell yes!” I called Tash to tell her the news and he said “Can I talk to her?” so I handed him the phone and right then I realized what a great human being this guy was. He never once hit on me or tried to make me feel like we owed him anything.

We went to the concert which was AWESOME and he dedicated Broken to us at the end of it. To say that was the coolest moment of my life is such an understatement.

Time after time in my life I have come back to the words of this song and time after time it has been a prayer for me. Some people like certain prayers and for me this is one of mine. Because I am broken, and I do want to steal away the pain of those around me who are also broken, and I don’t feel right when people that I love have gone away.

The crazy thing is that I think these are words that could easily be words said by Christ as He went through His Passion and as He hung on that Cross. And also when we sin and choose to walk away from Him.

Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re

gone away

When I open myself up, I show people who I am, they see that I am broken and weak and lonely, and that is so scary. I do not do it because I want people to feel sorry for me or because I want sympathy, I mean, I guess maybe I do, but really I do it because when I was far from God I would look at Christians and see put together people. I didn’t really get that people struggle in life no matter what, but with Christ there is joy and peace underneath it all. I was just looking on from the outside and making my judgments.

When I became Catholic, I decided  that my goal in life was to show people what life with Jesus really is and that I was going to do my best to be a “good” Catholic and still stay “real”. I had such lofty goals for my life as a Catholic woman. What is that saying about telling God your plans?

In my zest to be the bestest, realest Catholic woman EVAH, I think that I taunted the evil one a little too much, didn’t stay close enough to the Sacraments and polished myself up so much that I didn’t even recognize myself. I treated my husband like some ornament that was supposed to help me look a certain way and my kids like they were to act in a way that reflected well on me, even though most days I ignored them so that I could win a stupid debate on Facebook with this person or that person. All of this was complete bullshit.

And because God loves me, He allowed me to be knocked off my high horse. The fall has really hurt. I am bleeding. I am broken. I am tired.

I watched a video of Seether singing Broken and I went back to where I started, praying this song because I have no other words that come from my heart. All the other prayers are just words. Not because they don’t have meaning, but because I feel like a complete liar saying them. I have ignored my God. I have used Him as a tool to boost my ego. I have failed to love so many times that I am surprised that anyone is still my friend. I have turned my back on old friends because of my “best Catholic of the century” complex and I have judged Catholic women as lame, and I have argued with more people and been a bitch to them on Facebook than I can count. Saying the words to the Hail Mary or the Our Father just seems too little for me. The words to Broken are deep. So deep, that I can’t even explain how they fit into what I’m trying to say in this post! They reach into my soul and speak to God in a way that I cannot do on my own.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away

There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain