Crowdsourcing My Beard

“The hair of the chin showed him to be a man.” -Saint Clement of Alexandria (c.195)

I’ve been growing my beard since August and, while I doubt that anyone in my family will be giving me a book on beards or any beard care essentials for Christmas, I do think that it’s about time to shape my beard.  Above, you can see a picture of the beard in its current state.  I’d like your help in deciding how to shape it for Christmas.

I’ve had a funky beard before.  In the summer of 2008, for the Church Basement Roadshow, I shaved my beard into the Friendly Mutton Chops.  For the hirsute ignorant, when mutton chops are connected by a mustache, it makes them friendly.  This is what that looked like:

Friendly Mutton Chops
Friendly Mutton Chops look better with a pipe

I’m tempted to go with the Friendly Mutton Chops again.  I know it well, and it’d be nice and comfortable.  But, there may be reasons to go in another direction.  For one, I’ve been reading up on bears and the conventional wisdom is that someone with a rounder face (guilty!) should tend toward a beard with clean cheeks and longer chin whiskers.  And secondly, my sideburns are the wispiest area of growth, so it seems I should lean into my strengths, which include the mustache and chin.

Below are some choices, including the Hollywoodian, which Mark Scandrette wore on the Church Basement Roadshow.  (I think Doug Pagitt attempted to grow some kind of facial hair, but I don’t seem to recall him being successful in that regard.)

I’m running a poll on my Facebook Page.  Go there to vote.

Of course, you can leave a comment here, too.  Whatever the winner, I’ll shave that shape later this week, and I’ll be sure to reward your participation with photos!  Thanks!

As a bonus for those of you who are muttons for punishment, here’s the video of Doug and me losing our beards at the end of the Roadshow:

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Carla

    First, we need to discuss why a beard is on the table at all. Warmth? Laziness? Without a better understanding of this beard’s platform, I cannot in good conscious cast a vote.

    • Warmth, a change, and seeing icicles form beneath my nose all factor in.

      • Carla

        Alright, I will take all of the above into careful consideration and vote accordingly.

        Question: Are icicles under your nose worse than snotsicles on your ‘stache? Just wanting to know how much the mustache needs to figure in to the final decision.

        • the ‘stache needs to stay. it’s epic.

  • Yes! Decembeard. Januhairy. Februhairy. The March Hair.

    My vote is for the Handlebar & Chin Puff.

    Carla, beyond icicles and warmth, it also feels great when the wind tugs at a man’s beard (not so much when babies tug at it though).

  • I’ve had a goatee for about two years, and right now I’m going for the Hollywoodian. Razors be damned!

  • Deborah Arca

    clearly, the only person who should have an opinion on your beard is the one who gets closest to it on a regular basis. and no, i’m not talking about doug. nuf said.

  • courtney

    You’re a wise woman, Deborah!

    I must say that while I enjoy the fuzziness of the beard, I’m hesitant to encourage bulbous styles (in which my face might bounce off of and away from the good Rev. Doctor’s) and lengthy styles (in which rats might nest).

    Perhaps either the A la Souvarov or Franz-Josef?

  • Shave the beard. Keep the stache. Dye it jet black. Position yourself as the Tom Selleck of E.C.

  • Rhett

    An ironic beard will go so well with your hipster glasses.

  • My vote is for “The Crowder.” If not the Crowder I vote for the Handlebar and Chin Puff. Fun!

  • Carl

    French Fork!

  • T. Webb

    I don’t know about beards, but when you start shaving again, make sure you shave… use a shaving brush, shaving cream that lathers, and a double-edged safety razor. You’ll get a much better shave that’s good for your face & skin, you’ll save tons of money, and you’ll feel like a bad ass!