1. You wake up in the morning feeling rested.
2. You dress cute.
3. You highlight your hair and never wear ponytails.
4. You find yourself at Starbucks at ten on a weekday morning doing nothing.
6. You have time to go out for lunch with friends, to put makeup on, and to shave.
7. You vacation in places other than Washington D.C. and Gettysburg.
8. Your husband doesn’t work from home in his jammies or call you ‘Mother.’
9. Your children wouldn’t recognize a G.A. Henty book if it walked up and slapped them in the face.
10. You wouldn’t recognize a G.A. Henty book if it walked up and slapped you in the face.
11. You drive a car that seats fewer than nine people.
12. You enjoy movies, Cold Play, and swing dancing.
13. It’s halfway through February and you haven’t had a breakdown yet.
14. You think Saxon is the name of an ancient English people.
15. You don’t have a month of meals or half a cow in your deep freeze.
17. You put steroids on your baby’s eczema instead of converting the entire family to a vegan/gluten-free/lactose intolerant/sugarless diet in hopes it goes away.
18. You have never once, for any reason or under any circumstances, have considered making your own baby wipes.
19. You have never had the thrill of wearing tennis shoes with a dress.
20. You have fewer than six children and don’t feel guilty.
21. You have no desire to make your own candles nor do you fantasize about living ‘off the grid.’
22. You have sex for non-procreational reasons.