My Inner Southerner Git’s A Holt of the Laptop. Look Out!

Warning: What you are about to read should be done so with your mind’s best approximation of a Southern, Hillbilly from Tennessee (read, “Tannersee“) accent. Don’t say you weren’t warned. 🙂

Didja heer that Stephen Colbert might run fur Prezident? I might jess vote fur ’em too. ‘Cause you doan have to be a pacificist, like Dorothy Day for instance, to know that

sayin’ stuff like what you’ll heer below is jess plain wrong. You jess have to be a Catholic who has read even just a small fracshun o’ the Catechism to node that what you’ll heer below is miles, and miles, off coarse.

Maybe you’ve heard about the Juss Whoa-ah Doctrine. Maybe not. I rememba

h discussing it clearly when I was in RCIA classes, because I had spent a good chunk of my  life studyin’, and preparin’ fo-ah, and bein’ ready to go to, whoa-ah. And I’m a Southernah too, so if I want to rite with my acksent, I kin. Doan gimme no guff. And yet Mistah

Santorum said this here without blinking an eye last Fall when he was a makin’ his stops in South Carolina.

“I.Think. That’s. A. Wonderful. Thing.”

“We’ve. Done. It. To. An. American. Citizen.”

I reckon he thinks whoa-ah is swell. And this ain’t sum new opinion a his ether. Because he says it agin in a debate back in Novembah, as you will see below. In fact, all the cand-i-dates say the same thang. ‘Cept fur one.

Of course this is all I-ran’s fault, right? Once again the, dare I say it, “yeller” media, fires up the bellows and fans the flames of whoa-ah. Thangfully, in steps Good-Will Ambassador Jon Stewwart. He tries to splain the facts of life to our I-ranian brethren. You know, th

at since we doan make stuff in the United States anymo-ah, going to whoa-ah is our thang nowadays.


See, that’s because the Demoblican/Republicrats are serious, when it comes to whoa-ah. Almost as serious as they aaah when they is kissin’ babies. Because we evidently beelieve that whoa-ah will solve the problems ovah they-ah in the Middle East. And ever way-ah else, fer that matter, two. Which is why the photograph of the DOOM video game is they-ah. ‘Cause ‘at’s where most of our cand-i-dates have learned about whoa-ah.

Roll the tape, please. Sorry for the anotomical reference folks.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Pricks of Persia
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Ain’t he a funny feller? And he git’s to the facts two, which is what I like about him. He doan talk down to ya neether, an try an buffalo ya with baloney like ,”ever thing is too complex for you to unnerstand. Jess trust us while we blow stuff up ovah they-ah, so stuff doan git blown up ovah he-ah.”

Now who is the lone cand-i-date who sez he wouldn’t bomb I-ran? You know, unless there was a real threat to us? Heh. Him o’ the common sense, and the week knees: Doc Paul. And do you know what? He’s one a the only ones who actually evvah served in the military too.

Now some a ya’ll are gonna say it’s all my fault fo’ not backin’ the right man he-ah; the Cath-o-lic man. But I’m he-ah to tell ya that I doan haff to ansah to you-uns no way, or no how. I have to ansah to God Almighty, who as you may or may not recall died for the many, and not jess for the Amerikins.

I’ll jess go on ahead and back the man who I think is best for the country, and let the rest of ya’ll play tiddly winks and hang on evry word of these he-ah chicken-hawks. See, this he-ah love of woah-ah is one of the reasons why I doan cotton to any of these fellers, no way. Dorothy Day wouldn’t like ’em, but mo-ah impotently, the idear that I-ran is a threat to us is just so much bushwah.

Why our fore-fathers, like the right, honorable Mistah Calhoun, see, would think we was plum crazy doin what we do nowadays. I reckon St. Joan o’ Ark wouldn’t cotton to these fellers ether. Lookit. India and Pakistan have the Bomb and we doan do nuthin’ to them. Noath Ko-reah has the Bomb and we nevah did nuttin’ to them neither, even when they-ah peeple was starvin’. Gittin’ all mad about what I-ran’s a tryin’ to do now is silly. They doan even have a Navy to speek of, and they Air Farce ain’t much better. Just read the reports from the Pent-a-gone. They sez it’s a waste o’ time and energy gittin’ worried ’bout I-ran.

But Frank!, ya’ll say, them fellers in the Pent-a-gone could be rawng! Yeah, like they was rawng about them there chemical weapons o’ mass distruction in I-raq. Uh-huh. I node. But do you node what else? If them other countries used the same thinkin’ as these Republicrat/Demoblican pahty can-di-dates do?  Well, they’d be bringin’ the whoa-ah to our do-ah! Scientist’s at Lawrence Livahmo-ah and Oak Ridge would be shot like fish in a barrel…and rightfully so. Cause an eye for an eye is our way, so it seems, even tho it doan square with the Gospel.

Makes you wonder about them can-di-dates, doan it. No thank you. Like I said befoe, I’ll support the can-di-date that is as crafty as a snake and as  in-no-cent as a dove. Ain’t nobody likes Doctah Paul. So, in my mind, he must really be doin’ somethin’ rite.

I’m really fond of Mistah Stewwart, though. He’s tells it like it is. And he seems to like Doctah Paul too. Some silly folks say at’s because he’s an eevil librul, but I think ‘ats crazy talk. These fellers will say anything to git elected any ways. A coase, I might jess vote fur this fellar too, who is a Cath-o-lic after all. Hmmm.


Well, that gives me somethin to ponder anew. And that’s about all I have to say on this subject fur now too. I’m sorry I tired your eyes out with my spellin,’ dear read-ah. An I’m tired of this nonsense too, so I’m a gonna git some sleep now. I’ll see ya’ll later.

"Vaya con Dios, Leonard; Rest in Peace."

Leonard Nimoy Explains The Origin Of ..."
"Thank you for sharing"

To Break My Fast from Being ..."
"I've seen Matt Maher live four times...twice since this song was released. I absolutely love ..."

WYD Flashback With Matt Maher, And ..."
"Yes, and Dolan should have corrected the scandalous and wrong decison of his predecessor when ..."

Archdiocese of New York Health Plan ..."

Browse Our Archives

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment