I’m learning that we are what propels ourselves, while simultaneously being the largest impediment to our own growth.
I went through a spiritual transformation whose residual qualities seem long lasting. This has been the most painful year of my life by far as a result, and I’m grateful for the bounty of growth it has brought. My life, personality, and outlook, which were rock solid, have been tumultuously been upheaved. And, I’m a successful person who came up from the dregs of poverty, so the worldview that was smashed and remade, was already fairly reasonable. To me, such upheaval belonged to the highly confused and mostly limited to people like reformed ex-racist right wingers, or something like that.
Rather, I feel like a jack of spades who’s entered a 3D world for the first time, having had several massive apperceptions take place in a short time, which an apperception is “the mental process by which a person makes sense of an idea by assimilating it to the body of ideas he or she already possesses.” I can feel the otherworld now and a spontaneous madness occurred a few mornings after the transformation’s night, during which I appeared at the foot of The Coverer (*Kolyos) who, in my pantheon is the The Veiled One (An Cailleach pron Kalyock).
During that vision, my awareness expanded slowly at first to consider all the objects and movement in my home, but faster and faster, my awareness expanded to an entire city. In that vision, my mind was simultaneously focused on people driving, while people were walking, while buying lottery tickets and groceries, one guy was pulled over a mile from my apartment at the time. All the while, other people were sleeping, and stray dogs were digging around in piles of trash. It happened within seconds and was gone.
Were I to try to imagine a similar vision, I couldn’t be creative enough to do it. I’m also not a fan of imagined visualizations as means of gathering psychic information. I’m skeptical with a few beliefs based on experience. The more the vision grew to include other on-goings, so the more I saw, and the more I saw, then the more aware I was of Her power. The resulting product of that vision was that the immortal primordial Giantess, An Cailleach, wanted to eat me, bury me, consume me, and transform me, not metaphorically, but literally.
I don’t work with grandmother giant very much, she scares me, and I didn’t become her devotee after having been approached by her, I don’t want to be crushed by her apron rocks neither.
This post transformation vision scared me on such a deep level, and I don’t scare easily, I can only say that wherever the fear networks in the brain are located, they must’ve been getting hit with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity. I maintained complete composure for as long as I could, studying the process, until I had to pull myself back, then I ran and hid under the covers next to my wife, something I hadn’t done in 30 or so years.
Several things I was sure of were now shaky, and an altered sense of self is developing currently, causing rough changes for me. Not only this, but my perception and lucidity remained heightened. All we can see is the ice floating on the surface, so we project, imagine and estimate what’s below. But somehow, I now get glimpses of the entire iceberg, and its resolution and depth is more real than the projections of it. I can barely put the actual changes into words, but I’ll try with my next post.