Phoenix Rising: Stillness In The Dark, Vibrant In The Light . . .

. . . Coping in Uncertain Times

“So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing”-T. S. Eliot

Despite having a medical condition that can sap my energy on a regular basis, I guess I am more of what you would call a Type A personality. It’s not that I am uptight or rigid; it’s just that I always seem to put a lot on my plate. In addition to acting as the CEO of a large, non-profit social services agency (considered an essential business in these times), I also belong to several boards, have a husband and son, am promoting a book I just wrote, write a blog post on the regular, teach classes locally and nationally, and am currently writing my next book. For the past few years, my weekends have not been about relaxing or recharging, they have primarily been about doing. Much of my to-do list (when I am not at my day job) is within my control and yet it never ends.

While I take time to do the things I enjoy, it’s rare that I allow myself time to simply just be without having to do. The times when I have chosen to rest – those that were not prompted by my not feeling well – have left me feeling guilty at times. Perhaps it’s a holdover from having a chronic condition but when I take time to rest – I mean really rest and be “unproductive”- I feel not only guilty but also lazy. Something changed, however, when COVID-19 reared its ugly head in our world and in my community.

I spend my days trying to keep things together for staff who are continuing to work with those in need and doing everything I can to ensure that we mitigate exposure for our employees, volunteers, and customers to the extent possible. I have read more articles and been on more webinars than I care to count in an effort to try and keep on top of things and make the best possible decisions when there typically is no right answer. I am calm and collected in my interactions with others even when inside I may want to scream with fear and anger or cry with grief.

Then one day, early on in this crisis, something happened. It was a weekend, and I was sitting in bed, looking out the window and watching squirrels and birds cavorting in the large oak tree just outside of my room. After a few moments I realized that I was sitting in stillness, just listening, and not feeling compelled to get up and cross another thing off of my to do list. I was simply enjoying and existing and for the first time in a long time, I was listening to myself – mind, spirit, and perhaps most importantly, body.

Just about every pagan I have ever met has an ability and tendency to hear and see things in nature and the universe overall that are often missed by others. We notice the patterns in the universe and we listen to what nature has to tell us. Yet how many of us truly listen to ourselves? For some odd reason, it was as if the darkness prompted by the pandemic and its impacts was giving me a unique permission to go within, to be still, and to align myself with what I was feeling and what my body needed. Much as the darker days of winter act as a cue for some animals to hibernate, it felt as though this odd point in time in our history was gently asking and allowing me to simply be still and listen. I was the seed curled up in the darkness beneath the fallow ground – and it was ok.

As I allowed myself moments of stillness, I began to better understand what it was my body needed at this time. I have two underlying conditions that put me at high risk for the Coronavirus. Because of my medical condition, a stomach flu could literally be fatal under the right circumstances. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what this new virus could do. And yet…

And yet I had to keep on going about my day. I had to keep working, keep functioning as a member of my family, keep putting one foot in front of the other. To say that the fear, sadness and frustration of our current circumstances have had an impact on my mental health would probably be an understatement. Yet once I allowed myself to simply feel all of these emotions and be still, I realized that it was my body that needed just as much healing and attention as my mental and emotional health.

In the stillness, I have come to realize that I have always had a weird, adversarial relationship with my body. I have fought it in an attempt to overcome limitations that I felt were imposed on me by my medical issues when all along what I really should have been doing was listening and viewing my body as a friend and partner rather than my enemy. Those of you reading this may not have a medical condition such as the one that I have but I have found that this act of self-exploration is critical as many studies have shown that we store trauma in our physical bodies and it ultimately manifests in ways that we don’t even realize.

These days, I try to carve out time – even if it’s just a little bit – to honor what my body needs. As one example, I have started doing yoga again on a regular basis. Whereas my previous efforts at yoga have been very goal oriented, for now I no longer worry about doing the asana perfectly or making sure I practice for a set number of minutes each day. Instead, I do the poses that I like and rather than worrying about whether or not they are perfect, I focus on moving and stretching in ways that give my body relief. I use adaptations when it feels right without beating myself up for taking advantage of the accommodations for the pose. I also try to spend a few minutes each morning and evening just being still. Sometimes this means giving my feelings an outlet and letting them simply flow over me and be expressed. Sometimes it means just looking out the window or sitting in front of my altar.

In addition to honoring my body and the rest and restoration that it needs in these trying times, I have also found the techniques below to be helpful.

To Feel Alive and Vibrant:

• This might seem like odd advice at a time like this, but truly play is one of the best things we can do for our well-being. Remember the unabashed, boundless joy you felt when you would play as a kid? Swinging on a swing set felt like flying and defying limitations by using our imagination allowed us to create infinite fantasy worlds to explore. We need that joy now more than ever, and science says it’s good for us too! Studies have shown that play helps us be more creative, to improve and strengthen our brain functions, and to help with stress by releasing endorphins. To play is to banish limits and create something new. It is a life-giving activity.

• If you boil down every type of magick we witches do, it comes down to manifestation. Working in alignment with nature and energies to fulfill a vision or desire is the core of our magickal efforts so why not use this time to envision the positive changes and opportunities that could emerge from the darkness and spend some time focusing on directing our energy to making those things happen.

To Feel Empowered:

• Communing with Deities That Are Transformative and/or Can Help Carry the Burden. Of course, the healing deities such as Brigid, Asclepius, and Hygeia typically come first to mind when one is dealing with an issue of physical health. However, given the impact this worldwide situation seems to be having on our mental health and anxiety levels, there are a few additional deities that I have found it helpful to spend time simply listening to and communing with. The Welsh goddess Rhiannon is one of my favorites. Her story and her energy are all about helping us with our burdens and in my experience she tends to be quite nurturing and empathetic. The goddess Persephone is a master at straddling both the dark and the light. She has the ability to gain wisdom in the darkness of the Underworld while also bringing life to Earth when reunited with her mother, Demeter.

Aphrodite encourages us to love, appreciate, and accept ourselves unconditionally as we go through these difficult times. Finally, the Greek god Hephaestus has been quite helpful for me. He may seem like an odd choice but his ability to overcome his own physical limitations and use the element of fire to transform and create any number of imaginative inventions inspires me to look for the underlying opportunities that exist within challenges and to envision a better future. 

• Using Modalities for Healing, Protection, and Clearing. This is a great time to put our healing skills to use. If you are skilled in using an energy healing modality such as Reiki, this is a great time to incorporate those skills into a regular healing practice for yourself, your loved ones, and/or society in general. If you are a collector of shiny things, consider using your various stones to create a crystal grid for protection, calming anxiety, attracting love and joy, and/or physical healing. You can also incorporate the use of a salt bowl to absorb negative energies in your home. There are some great Patheos articles on how to create a salt bowl, such as this one by Astrea. 

• Seeking the Wisdom of our Ancestors. Our ancestors have witnessed some of the darkest times in our collective history and have a great deal of wisdom to share. Try connecting with ancestors that you have a connection with and trust through methods such as meditation/pathworking, tarot, and automatic writing. 

• Spending Time in Nature. Finally, I have found spending time in nature to be a great way to recharge and instill me with optimism. If gardening is your thing and the weather is cooperative, starting or tending to a garden can be quite therapeutic. If you don’t have access to an outdoor space, simple steps such as tending to an indoor plant, listening to nature sounds, or looking out a window can have a positive impact. While stay at home orders and quarantines may make us feel as though our world has come to a standstill, the signs of spring remind us that life continues to move forward and unfold and the light always returns.

If none of these ideas resonate with you, that’s ok too. We are going through some serious stuff, and it’s ok to not be ok. It’s perfectly acceptable for our reality and way of coping to not look the same as it does for others and/or for it to not align with how society says we should be feeling or reacting. Perhaps most importantly, the best thing we can do for ourselves right now is to accept and respect where we are each day and to love ourselves in the midst of it all without judgement or guilt.