It’s rare for me to feel out of control. I’m typically quite direct and decisive, and I’m feeling vulnerable. Being a business owner and the sole household manager, with a very long list of things that have to be done – clients to re-schedule, books to finish, yard and house to keep up – and yet I’m sitting here waiting for the call from my dad’s doctor. In the next couple weeks I will say ‘see ya soon’ (boot camp) to my son. My dad will likely have major surgery. My son-in-law is healing and yet still trying to figure out medical issues. I’m trying to be supportive for everyone around me and through the last few days I’ve felt how very human I really am. I’ve realized how my true friends are. Who family truly is. I’ve attracted the most wonderful people and the most terrible ones. The balance of the scales.
I think of all those who are fighting health issues. Those who are suicidal. Those who are saying their goodbyes. Those making the decisions to let their loved ones (pets and humans) cross to the other side. Those who are sitting at the lawyer’s office signing papers to end their marriage. Those who are turning in their notice to work. Those graduating who have no idea what is next. And my heart goes out to you.
I hear from many that they don’t want to adult. The realization is that there isn’t a I’m not going to adult today or I am button, although that sounds fabulous. The realization is that someone has to adult. Someone has to take control. And most always in my family that is me. It’s been me for a long time. It’s been me when my mom lost her sight. It’s been me when my dad had a heart attack when I was 18. It’s been me when I was left with a 2 and a 4 year old and had to figure life out. It’s always been me. Today I would like to put the blankets over my head, sleep or read, or maybe just cry. I’d love to not have to make any decisions. Adulting isn’t optional, though, at least for me. Maybe it is what makes me feel in control. It is what makes me feel decisive and direct. Today I have to pull myself together and adult like so many others.
Believe,
Kristy
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