Buddhism: Anger and Frustration

Anger and frustration

What is the difference?

In the first 18 years of my life, so the story goes, I never experienced anger. I had many times been frustrated, but never, ever, ever angry. Could this be true? How?

The difference between anger and frustration, upon reflection, is simple. Anger arises with the solidification of the Self, the substantial being which has been somehow wronged. Anger speaks from that Self, the wronged Self, telling the world it has been wronged, hurt, abused etc. And it demands retribution, justice, apologies.

Frustration is the reaction coming not from a solidified Self, but of a recognition of simply something wrong. There is no Self, thus no ‘me’ wronged, no ‘you’ who are to blame – there is simply something out of order that needs to be fixed. No demands can be made, only suggestions about what it might be that is wrong, and, more likely, questions about the world to find out just what exactly is the matter.

Until I was 19 I really had no solidified Self. I explored the world with wonder, and when things went wrong, I explored them too. I can remember the incident that changed all that as if it were yesterday. The details are unimportant, but it left me with a feeling of indignation, of having been wronged – not that there was a wrong in the world, but that I had been wronged.

It took just over a year for me to discover Buddhism after that event, but when I did I realized immediately that this was the teaching that could bring me back to the sense of wonder in the world that I had lived in for so long. Traversing this path I have sometimes, briefly, regained that openness and awe. But this Self, what the Buddha called the asmi-mana, the conceit, “I am,” is ever so difficult to shake.

I fear that my studies in philosophy may too often only worsen the problem, but I hold hope that whatever difficulties I have with various philosophies are surmountable with proper understanding on my part. I am ever so glad for the possibility of teaching Buddhism though, for tonight as I sat reading a few pages of the course materials I sank into a subtle bliss of effortless concentration and joy. I remembered what I thought that first year when I was a student in this course (not so long ago!). I thought, “this burning fire in my chest, this me over and apart from everything, everyone, separating me fundamentally from true deep connectedness with others and the world – it can be extinguished.” Then I smiled and thought, “well, it can be done, but it’s gonna be a damned frustrating experience.”