Teaching: Day 0 – Terrified

I have my first class tomorrow. That is, I teach my first class tomorrow. I have 174 students. I don’t have my syllabus photo-copied. I don’t have the in-class video excerpt we are supposed to watch.

sigh. breath. smile. relax. But really, really I am a bit terrified. Mostly I’m afraid I’ll be so nervous that I fidget annoyingly, stutter (no.. I never stutter), and bore the living daylights out of 70% of them.

I have my lecture (introduction and syllabus). It’s about 20 minutes. The class is 50. Dad says, “ask them some questions, let them ask you questions, make it conversational.” Mom agrees. She also suggests that I have them write an essay about why they’re taking the class and what they hope to gain from it. My sister says I’ll have lots of young girls with crushes on me. I think I’m glad to be spoken for, even if she’s an ocean and a half-continent away. What do you think? Any last-minute advice?

I am having my moments of calm, though. I am well-prepared overall. I do know the material well and I do love it. And I am confident that that will show through to my students.

Perhaps a practice will help me, something like a metta-bhavana (cultivation of loving-kindness) using the students. I gave a talk in Valencia, Spain this month about friendship, about hri and apatrapya (self-respect and respect for the wise). I plan to post fuller notes, but part of the talk was about realizing the innate potential of all people, first oneself and then others. It’s to keep us from being judgmental, creating (false) views and fixed opinions (dogmas) of other people or ourselves. But it is also to realize that everyone is capable of helping you too – it’s just a matter of seeing how, which requires an open heart/mind.

The more I worry about the judgment of my students, the more my heart/mind closes in judgment back (they’re just ‘shopping’ for fun classes, not serious enough…), or judgment of myself (not ready, not educated enough, not enough credentials…). The result is a sharp border between them and me, and no way to communicate – no teaching, no learning (and bad reviews and no paycheck.. wait, that’s not the important thing here).

The important thing is that I prepare well and then “follow my bliss“. Buddhism is an exciting topic. I love to study it, to practice it, and to talk about it. So [clapping my hands with confidence], tomorrow I will do just that, with 180 of my very close friends.