Reflections on ’08

Do we have better and worse years? Years we wish we could repeat over and over and those we wish never happened? I think so, to some extent at least. Do I wish either of those for 2008? No. Did I make great strides in life and also some pretty big mistakes? Yes. Is hindsight 20/20? Not always. Just as we don’t know what the future will bring us, we also don’t know what past ‘mistakes’ might turn out in our favor and vice versa.

2008 began for me in London with friends and the woman I was going to marry. “Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance, everybody thinks it’s true” – Paul Simon. London wasn’t good from the get-go, but it only seemed to worsen in the new year.

“I envisioned you wearing your long black coat walking up the steps of a museum but I’ve changed that mental picture to you living in a ghetto and cooking noodles in a small dirty kitchen with a bunch of dirty people all waiting to take a shower.” – in an email from my friend Kristy in MT.

As the year started off, my studies stumbled and my relationship with Kelly grew strained. It’s hard to describe the relationship over the next six or so months, but suffice to say things didn’t work out. It felt like the greatest heartbreak of my life, in part because I had put so much emotional stock into things working. The lesson: keep eyes wide open, even in love, to not be seduced by a future that might never come. And take it slow. Life is not a race.

I was reminded of this recently while talking with a friend – my premarital counselor in fact – about Heidegger and the Nazis. He wanted to defend Heidegger’s Nazi sympathies by saying he was too wrapped up in the promises of a bright new day and the philosophical power he would wield in the third Reich to see the red flags. He was, essentially, blinded by his ambition. Thus, my friend reasoned, perhaps he was morally free of fault.

I too became blinded to the red flags and warnings around me – perhaps both of us did – and rushed too fast, too far. I had to suffer the consequences when reality proved to be quite unlike the imagined future. Morally at fault? I think so. In Aristotelian terms, I (we?) lacked prudence, a key virtue for living a good life. In Buddhist terms I think I allowed ignorance and attachment too great a hold in my life. In any case, these things happen. The key is not to run away, deny them, or dwell too much, but simply to see them for what they are. As in the life of the Buddha when Mara would appear, Buddha would say “I see you, Mara” and Mara (representing greed, aversion, and ignorance) would disappear.

My studies similarly stumbled over these months and eventually I took an extended leave of absence on them, ranging from late February through September. Happily I did get some work done in that period and continue to eek my way toward the ever elusive Ph.D. Along the way I was given a good job back here in beautiful Missoula, Montana, with my own office overlooking bits of campus and nestled up against a mountain where deer stroll by each day.

I have found my Buddhist practice again (which was suffering under the stress and chaos of the first half of the year). I am back at my studies. I have a wonderful girlfriend. I have wonderful friends, wonderful family…

Some noteables from ’08: (In roughly chronological order, with additions as I think of them)

• Visited Gozo, Malta to see friends Margaret and Bruce living there.
• Offered an adjunct professor job at The American University – turned it down (big sigh).
• Honored with 3 Blogisattvas; two for my own blog(s) and one on Progressive Buddhism – to which I was invited to contribute this year, along with the wildmind blog (see sidebar for links) 1/1.
• Almost got married – parents threw me a big BBQ instead where many couples congratulated me on remaining single (a bit weird).
• Helped re-constitute and now lead the UM Campus Sangha meditation group -1/1.
• I was featured in a wonderful book on Vision Boards.
• Visited Yellowstone National Park for the first time – not something a Montanan should admit.
• Visited Glacier National Park 3 times (for a total of 4 in my life), discovering a new favorite place for photography.
• I sold one of my photos of Barack Obama’s July 4th visit here for a calendar.
• I educated myself, and hopefully a few others, on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – connecting with many courageous people who have dealt with this and other PDs.
• I got back in touch with lots of old friends and ex-girlfriends, good people all.
• I visited Chicago for the AAR meeting, palling around with the good Rev. Danny Fisher.
• I had a “show” at a local art gallery with other photographers who went to Glacier in October.
• And…. Last but not least, I met a lovely jeweler named Julie with whom I’m happily celebrating the coming ’09.

So all in all it’s been good. The first half was filled with difficulties, but it wasn’t all bad. And my life’s momentum seems to have picked right up from where it has been going for the last 5-10 years. So with that a big Buddhist SADHU!!! And a photo from one of my trips to Glacier with Julie: