Pondering: darkness and the light

Double rainbow from the Easter drive home (to Helena) with Julie. Taken on her Nikon D-90 🙂

Yesterday’s meditation began with a taped talk by Joseph Goldstein, actually a reading from one of his books. The thrust of the talk, or at least what I took away from it, was that it is not our dark sides alone that we fear and avoid, but also our light, our nobility and innately awakened nature.

Our little meditation group responded with a beautiful discussion, gently enveloped in stillness and silence, akin to a Quaker meeting. We talked about our comfort zone, where we habitually curse others and/or ourselves, teaching ourselves and future generations that they are innately ‘bad’ somehow. This is a comfort zone because it gives us a ready excuse for our negative feelings and actions. If we’re innately bad, then “no wonder…” right?

Whereas Buddhism teaches that we are innately pure – “perfect pure!” to quote a Tibetan teacher of my friend, Margaret. So our negativity and judgmental attitude is not “just the way it is.” It is not to be accepted – except in the broad sense that we must accept what is as an affirmative grounding for moving forward.

“You’re perfect just the way you are; and you could still use some work,” Goldstein said [loosely], quoting a Zen Roshi.

This is the paradox of our lives and it is probably at the heart of all sacred systems of thought. Total acceptance, forgiveness, openness – and yet the realization that there is still work to be done, lots of work.

For me I couldn’t help thinking of the wondrous moments of my life, when things felt most on track. It was in those moments, grace-moments if you will, that I also felt most connected with my shadow side. I could look upon my own judgmental habits, my own anxieties and mistakes with the most acceptance – I could see them more as upaya – or skillful means into the lives of others who have struggled, who continue to struggle with such things. My heart has long been in teaching, and I will continue to work my way (back) there, but I can’t help but see Buddhist psychology and all that comes with it as part of my path in life.

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Then I return to the here and now. Gladly (text removed) surrounded by healthy friends and family. Looking at my own light: meditation, pondering Buddhist philosophy, mastering this small field of thought, interacting with brilliant people – philosophers, Buddhologists, and more, and so on. And then my darkness, as mentioned, judgment (the inverse of the intellect in Buddhist psychology), anxiety – which I chalk up to thinking too much, and so on. I’m also horrible at times with day-to-day stuff. Given time and space/solitude, I can do (IMHO) about three days worth in one, but when harried by various interruptions, I am lucky to do half a real day’s work.

These are things to know, things to work on. But also things to have in mind as I construct my future: avoid jobs where I’m constantly interrupted, meditate often, accept the shortcomings of others as they hopefully accept those in me, coordinate long periods of silence and philosophical study, and so on.

As I ponder my darkness and light, I think of a song I heard earlier today by Kermit the Frog. There is something very wise about its opening lyrics. The idea of searching, of longing, so much built on illusions. Oh well, speaking of illusions that may have their own special reality, I’m off to bed…