For the love of Running, and other stuff

In New York last week I was lucky enough to spend some time with one ex, Ana, that I dated a while back. Our break-up wasn’t horrible, but definitely sad, and no doubt with its share of hurt feelings. After that it took nearly a year to get back in touch a bit and now finally seeing her again was great. Our new friendship seemed to pick up right where our relationship had left off, without missing a beat.

There was a deep, unspoken comfort between us; a comfort perhaps aided by my knowing that she has a boyfriend and her knowing that I have a girlfriend and both of us knowing that the other is an honest and faithful person. So there were no worries about romantic tensions one way or the other, just “us,” two people who had shared a bit of their lives, reminiscing, catching up, talking about where the future may take us.

It was much like my experiences with Toni, an ex from a few more years back with whom I try to meet for coffee or ice cream at least once a year. I recall meeting with her once, several months after our break-up and feeling quite an uncomfortable romantic tension; perhaps in part due to the proximity of our romance, but more so I think because we both were single. Our comfort level allowed us to move right back into habits from when we were together, habits including much laughter, wine, and sitting close together for a movie – and of course the habits go further – but the fact that we were now friends, not lovers, created a tension (for me at least).

Nothing happened, and we discussed the tension later, readdressing the reasons for our break-up and our mutual needs which could not be fulfilled by the other. All very rational, with the expected tinge of sadness.

There are other ex’s worthy of mention: Megan, who I’ve bumped into a couple times over the last couple years but never really reconnected with, Leandra, with whom I’m now at least connected with through facebook (for what that’s worth), and Cary, a small town Montana girl who seems to have disappeared pretty completely.

Then there are those two. The one that I was a complete jerk to, and the one who was a complete jerk to me (karma?). The woman I was a complete jerk to in our break-up, Rachel, I dated nearly a decade ago. The woman who was quite awful to me was more recent. Neither, though, have I had any real contact with since…

I thought about writing a blog post titled “two letters” about the letters I would like to write to each, mostly asking forgiveness from Rachel, and offering forgiveness to this other woman. Importantly, I would note that the jerkyness comes in large part from mental illness, a topic that deserves far, far more attention than it gets. I, at the time of my jerkyness, was deep in depression. It took several years of medication and work before, at the age of 24, I was able to use meditation as a primary defense against this illness. But my sense is that Rachel, a devout Catholic, has likely found within herself a place of forgiveness, many times over already.

The other woman I worry about sometimes. I know she has a history of troubled relationships, originating far back into her childhood. Having spent time with both of her divorced parents, I think that each has relatively unhealthy coping mechanisms (and perhaps disorders of this or that sort) that likely transferred onto her. And while she is lovely, intelligent, hard working, and more, she is also likely blind to many of the destructive aspects of her personality such as wild mood swings and occasional disconnections with reality.

Two letters.

Asking forgiveness of a woman that I believe to have already offered it countless times.

Offering forgiveness to a woman who may not even see the harm she has caused.

(advice, feedback, comments most welcome)