Supplements, or the redemptive quality of love (in a pill)

Almost five years ago I went off prescription antidepressants* for good, after nearly seven years of near-constant reliance on them. I had moved to Bristol, UK, was working diligently toward my MA in Buddhist Studies, and was beginning to feel in a groove with life. I was meditating a lot and keeping a fairly simple, regular schedule. I managed to stay in that groove – with many bumps along the way, but free of depression and overwhelming anxiety – through a return to Montana, the completion of my MA, the start of a second MA, a trip to Spain, a new teaching job at the University, and so on.

I thought I had (literally) reformed my brain to be free of the need for such pills.

Then last winter/spring hit. Stress of ph.d. studies, bodily danger of a crime-ridden neighborhood, emotional chaos of a loved one in unsoothable distress – all combined to drag me well out of my groove. A panic attack (anxiety) hit in a way it hadn’t since I was 19, actually worse; the emotional chaos around me only seemed to grow as I set aside ph.d. studies and left London.

I just happened to read the account of a priest who had performed several exorcisms in the early 20th century, the way he had had so much of his own life taken from him in the process. (My mother is an exCatholic who was into the psychology of evil – M. Scott Peck stuff.) I cannot begin to compare my experience to the descent into hell that a priest must undertake to connect with and help a so-called demon possessed person. But it goes to show that no faith or spiritual practice can make one impervious to the effects of human evil. Whether you beleive in ‘evil’ or just deeply hurt people – people who are likely truly victims themselves of horrendous things, is another issue.

I don’t believe in evil. Not in any religious or metaphysical sense at least. But I do believe in the transitive quality of a damaged life. That is to say, I believe that a dog that has been horribly abused will take the hand off the first kind soul who tries to pet it. I don’t blame the dog. I also believe in the redemptive quality of love (even for the most ‘damaged’), and the hope that every victim of abuse may be reformed (physically “re-wired” to use common parlance).

But I digress.

Out of evil, or the reach of the abused one, I found myself struggling to become ‘whole’ again. Later, a therapist would tell me that I had been a victim of her abuse; the dog had bit and I didn’t even notice, too busy trying to ‘help‘ her. (oohhh.) But at the time I just felt bad. Meditation helped. Back-to-back retreats provided the needed space to examine recent events. I began to see my own distorted (abused?) mind. It hurt. But it also healed.

One of the things I now found lacking was simply energy. So I turned to Dr. Mercola for some multi-vitamins and Krill Oil (like fish/cod liver oil). I also picked up some St. John’s Wort, a proven herbal antidepressant. And, within a week or two, things were picking up. But it had “been a long cold lonely winter” (to quote George Harrison) and even with a little sun I had a ways to go. I should note that many of my wonderful friends/family helped tremendously in this time (cue Joe Cocker).

Since then I’ve increased my supplement routine to near-laughable proportions. Hey, a little worked great, a ton should do magic, right? Well… I soon added something called 5-HTP, a precursor for serotonin, and felt it to be a good boost to the St. John’s Wort. Then I think I found (oh, shoot I can’t remember, but something for… you guessed it, memory) and most recently Noni, and Grape Seed Extract. I don’t remember what those do either, damn. I think antioxidants, heart health, and maybe immune system. I guess the memory one (starts with ‘G’ — oh, Ginko Biloba – thanks, Google) isn’t working so well.

At some point in there I bought a multi-vitamin multi-pack thing that has about 6 pills of its own in it: calcium, ginseng, multi-v, fish oil?, who knows what else. (note to self, quit buying the ‘G’ stuff). And I bought Emergen-C for post-workouts or just whenever, so that again covers most possible vitamins/minerals one could ask for. The most recent purchase has been cod liver oil, because it promises the benefits of Omega-3s (good fats) plus much-needed vitamin-D, naturally produced when we get sun, but hey, it’s winter almost in Montana and sun is something we go south for – or buy in a bottle (one of those fancy light-therapy lamps looks appealing too right now).

So… to recap. My day now starts with: 2 St. John’s Worts, 1 Krill oil, 1 Cod liver oil, 1 Ginko, 1 Noni, and 1 5-HPT (the Grape-seed is awaiting a place in the rotation). I do that again at lunch. Then, some nights I down the multi-V cocktail, but not often. The Cod liver stuff says ‘take 5 a day’ but I doubt that will ever happen. If I did that, with all the rest, we’d be up to 23 pills a day, plus Emergen-C when I run or go to the gym. 23 pills a day?! What happened!?

And all this, just because of a certain experience in my life? Yes, I suppose so. 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, no supplements, happy me, energetic me… And now?

Reforming a brain or mind is a process, not to be pushed or forced. If that ‘G’ stuff would work, it might make the whole process a lot easier – but… I’m happy that the ‘happy pills‘ as a certain someone likes to call them, are doing their trick, and that my energy is up, and that I haven’t been sick in months – knock on wood.

So these are a few of my favorite pills. I’ve pushed this and that on friends here and there, with mixed results. What are your supplements of choice?

* Paxil and, at times, Wellbutrin (mainly for anxiety)