5 Common Ways We Suck the Life Right Out of our Marriage

2. Relying on Non-Verbal Communication

We might be frustrated because we feel like we shouldn’t have to tell our spouse what we need, but we must be willing to communicate, even if we half-expect our spouse to be a mind-reader or body language expert.  Just to clarify, healthy communication in marriage involves words; we can’t let our non-verbals be our primary source of communication.  This can be especially confusing to a less than intuitive spouse and create some crazy and intense arguments.

I will never forget the look on Dave’s face as I stomped around our house, taking moving boxes to their proper place.  I. Was. Mad.  I even stomped to the top of a ladder to hang a curtain while huffing and puffing out loud.  We had just moved, and I was overly frustrated.  So, like any respectable wife, I decided to throw a non-verbal tantrum.  I hadn’t said a word to Dave about helping me.  I thought “he is a big boy, and he should just KNOW what to do”.  Meanwhile, Dave was doing other things to help around the house; he just wasn’t doing the things that were on my unspoken list.  Finally, after all the commotion, he asked me if I was okay.  I snapped my head around, kind of like a scene out of “The Exorcist” and loudly said “I can’t even look at you right now”.  He seriously had no idea how angry I was AT HIM.  He knew I was angry by my toddler-like fit, but I hadn’t asked him for help so he didn’t think my frustration, or crazy, raging anger, was directed towards him.  I quickly realized that I was the one in the wrong.  I gathered my emotions, apologized to Dave, and finally, told him how he could help me.

Non-verbals are quite effective in communication, but they are only part of communication.  They are meant to ENHANCE our communication, NOT BE our communication.  

This form of engagement includes our countenance (or look on our face), our eyes, and our body language.   Even though we should never rely mainly on our non-verbals to communicate with our spouse, we need to be keenly aware of them.  What kind of non-verbals are we giving our  spouse when we see them?  Do we tend to put off a negative vibe like rolling our eyes or crossing our arms whenever they enter a room?  Do we smile when we see them and step closer to them?  Our non-verbals set the tone and sometimes the direction of our conversations.  We have the power to open hearts or harden them simply with our non-verbals at the beginning of an interaction.  Sometimes, we can’t control our body language because we are extremely hurt.  We certainly don’t need to hide our feelings, but we do need to try and approach our spouse in an engaging and loving way when we are trying to express them.  We can effectively use non-verbals to open the lines of healthy communication and foster a strong marriage.

For more on how to have better communication in marriage, check out, “3 Ways to Get Your Husband Talking,” by clicking here.