Third, there are a few absolutely crucial things about your man’s inner needs that you probably don’t understand, and that you need to learn. Quickly. Perhaps most important, in For Women Only I explain that the “control” you describe is actually far more dangerous for the relationship, emotionally, than just signaling a waste of your husband’s effort. That type of control is essentially telling him that he’s incompetent and inadequate, which are by far a man’s most painful feelings. And escaping those painful feelings in favor of interactions with people who do think he’s adequate (such as all these people that come to him for advice) may be the main impetus behind his desire to “escape.” So focus on creating a home that he would never want to escape! Men light up when they think people admire, appreciate, trust and respect them. If you want to not only keep your marriage, but make it thrive, he needs to see that you are his biggest admirer.
I’m grateful you wrote in, which shows that you already have the most important factor for success: the will to learn and change. It will require being purposeful and probably breaking years of habits, but I promise: it will be worth it!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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