Secret #2: No Matter What You Hear From Your Child: Remain Completely, Utterly Calm
Our kids often self-censor the “real” things they might otherwise share, depending on what they expect of our reaction. There’s a very real twitchiness about whether Mom or Dad will freak out. And “freaking out,” by the way, included not just a parent’s negative reactions, but energetically positive ones. So while cheering her great shot on goal is fine, excitedly saying “What an awesome idea!” about her plans to organize a picnic before prom is not. In other words: freaking out is any obvious display of emotion during a conversation.
Thus, one of the most crucial tools in your “how to get your kid to talk” toolbox is your ultra-calm demeanor. No matter what you hear from your daughter about her best friend driving drunk or from your son about how cruel the basketball coach was to him, keep your voice level and your facial expressions in the “politely interested” to “politely concerned” range. No one expects us to be robots. But if you can keep “politely concerned” on your face (even though you want to rage about the coach instead), your son is far more likely to share about what happens at practice tomorrow. And the next day. And pretty soon, you’ve built a habit between you, of him sharing more and more of what is going on. Because he knows what to expect from you and that it‘s safe to share.
We want our kids to share with us. And on their side, they want to share. By remembering these two secrets, you’ll see how it creates a win-win for everyone.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
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