The emotional reason: Inquisitiveness can feel like The Inquisition
From personal experience (ahem) this is the heart of what confuses many of us. Why does our man get upset when we are just trying to help? We are just trying to have a mutual discussion, ask questions and share feedback, and he reacts as if he’s been attacked.
Well, it’s because even though we don’t think we are attacking, he feels attacked.
There are a lot of different reasons for this (see For Women Only for more), including that our man has a deep desire to be competent at what he does, and a sincere motivation to please us in the process—combined with a deep self-doubt and vulnerability about whether he’s any good at any of it. He’s trying his best, but is nervous that his best isn’t good enough. And because he has that raw nerve under the surface, it is all too easy for him to hear “questions” as “challenges.” So suggestions we think of as harmless (“how about asking XYZ mechanic friend for advice?”) can be heard as implying incompetence (“You need help because you clearly can’t figure it out on your own.”)
Similarly, what we think of as benign requests for information (“Isn’t ABC hotel more expensive than we can afford for vacation?” “Did you ask about whether we can get a refund on the zipline if it rains?”) can be heard as second-guessing his judgment. (And if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes it is.)
Bottom line, our man deeply wants us to trust and believe in him, as a signal that he is worth being trusted and believed in. And yet, a spate of questions and suggestions can essentially “confirm” his fears that he isn’t. Now, thankfully, that doesn’t mean he wants a “yes, dear” doormat (good thing, because I don’t know too many doormat wives!) but it does mean there are some very specific things to keep in mind, if we want a great relationship. (More on that in a moment.)
The irony of all this, is that this painful emotional factor might not ever be triggered were it not for the biological factor.
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