He’s Retiring! What Happens Now?

He’ll still need to be productive and know that he’s making a valued contribution. Support him in finding ways to do that.

Step one in supporting your newly retired husband is understanding how he’s wired. For any man, the work that he does provides not just income, but a sense of identity and purpose. And your man has just given up those things—at least in the realm of “normal jobs” that he’s been doing for the last 40+ years of his life.

It’s a bittersweet change. He’s left behind the stress and demands of work, but he’s also given up a vital aspect of his identity. Or at least, he might see it that way. In my interviews with many couples, it is clear that some men adjust to this disorienting feeling well and others don’t.

Here’s one of the main factors that lead to a good adjustment:  Both of you must recognize that your husband will still have a deep need for significance and contribution—including beyond the family. This doesn’t mean that he won’t enjoy some time off. But sooner or later, many men have told me that they feel “rudderless.” I should note that this is not just a “guy thing”, but it appears to be more acutely felt for men in retirement than for women in retirement. We all have a purpose for our lives, after all—deep callings and ways that we are built to contribute in a meaningful way.