A Different Perspective on Teens—and How to Talk to Them

Let’s discuss and model with our teens the concept of “wrong versus wise.”

In a series of interviews recently, I became aware of a young man who I will call Jason. Jason is 17 years old, a Junior in high school, and is unfortunately part of a risk-taking crowd at his school—a group of about 15 boys who have been friends since elementary school. They all play on the football team together—and they often get together on weekends to drink and smoke weed at whichever house doesn’t have parental oversight that weekend.

Here’s the amazing thing: while everyone around him is getting high, Jason abstains. He will still spend these evenings with the only long-time friends he has, but he doesn’t engage in the risky behavior. And he wants to go to college and find other friends who will help him live a better life.

Why? What is leading him to this choice?

It seems highly related to the fact that his parents have worked to come alongside him and create a real relationship that is marked by mutual respect. I’m sure his parents wish he wasn’t at these parties, but they don’t prevent him from going. They have instead spent the last years purposefully doing things together with him (hobbies, hiking, trips) and trying to model and discuss character and wise choices in the midst of temptation.

Now, some may disagree with the parents’ decision to allow him to hang out with those friends. Others may counter that a 17-year old could figure out how to see them anyway, and he needs to learn to make good choices even when surrounded by those who are not. But regardless, there is one method employed by Jason’s parents that is important to consider. While writing my book, For Parents Only, I discovered how much it impacted kids when their parents moved beyond the “easy” discussion of “wrong versus right” and instead modeled and discussed the concept of “wrong versus wise.”

It is essential to draw our kids into a conversation that will help them internalize the reason for the rules: “Why do you think the rules exist?” “Do you think that rules are enough to bring change?” “How can someone resist an unhealthy temptation even if there isn’t a “rule” against it?” The kids will eventually articulate what you most want them to “get”: The rule ultimately exists because of the need to do what is wise and healthy for my life and the lives of others. It’s against the rules to drive 100mph, but the main reason to avoid it isn’t just the “rule” but because I might kill myself or other people. And here’s how I can resist that temptation when my friends start road racing.

Yes, we as parents have to be wise too. But part of that wisdom comes from celebrating our kids’ wise choices and victories and not harping on the video games or social media use that we wish were different. Our kids need to be equipped to counter temptation and feel that they can do so—and part of that is being celebrated and noticed when they do. As those who follow Christ, if we are living out our faith in an authentic way, our kids will learn to be wise.Whether they, too, choose to follow Jesus and actually make the wise choices will be up to them. But the chances are much greater if we engage with them and praise them for the good character they are showing.

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