Habit #2: Choose to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you

When you consider those particular negative thoughts about your spouse (and a hundred others), they boil down to just one thought in the end: My spouse doesn’t care about/appreciate me.

That sneaky thought can easily flood our mind—and it is almost certainly not true. Again, based on our nationally-representative study for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we found that 99.3% of married individuals deeply care about their spouse! Even in the most challenging marriages, that were weathering the worst storms, the number was a startling 97%.

Your spouse almost certainly deeply cares about and appreciates you. But they won’t live that out perfectly. They will hurt your feelings, they will be inconsiderate at times, because they are human. But they care. What does this mean? It means that if you want a happy marriage, you need to choose to believe that your mate cares about and appreciates you, no matter what your feelings may say in that moment.

So instead of my spouse doesn’t appreciate me, you stop the train of thought. You think to yourself, No, that’s wrong. I know my spouse loves me. I know my spouse appreciates me. So there must be another explanation for their behavior.

In the study results, this choice was almost a prerequisite: it is very difficult to have a happy marriage without it. Because if you don’t make that choice, your spouse can never win—and neither can your marriage. For example, your spouse may do or say something out of sincere love for you, and yet you suspiciously think, You’re only doing that to get on my good side. Don’t hold your mate’s sincere efforts hostage to your negative beliefs!

Of course, when we have been legitimately hurt, choosing to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions may be hard. Sometimes it may seem beyond us. Many of the happiest couples say this is when faith comes in, and we ask God for help to do what does not come naturally. Because it is vital. Believing the best is essential for breaking a negative cycle and building a positive one instead. It is essential for plowing through the storms and heading out the other side. And, even better, it is essential for preventing heartache to begin with.

Which leads to the all-important final habit for today.