Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married 22 years and I love him, but we’ve been arguing a lot lately. We both work a lot and have two children busy with extracurricular activities, so we spend a good bit of time apart. I tend to be a control freak and, as my husband says, I freak out if something doesn’t go the way I think it should go. My husband is outgoing, can talk to anyone, and everyone... Read more
Dear Shaunti, My husband and I have been married for 20 years. I still care for my husband, but for the most part, I avoid him. I find him difficult to be around. I really don’t enjoy his company. I have felt hurt, disrespected and uncared for so many times that I have up some serious walls that I don’t know how to tear down. I have prayed for God to help me change, but I don’t see much progress.... Read more
Dear Shaunti, Recently my husband and I read Jonathan Cahn’s book The Harbinger, so we’re attuned to the signals of a “shaking” coming in our country. Financial markets are tanking as we near the Shemitah, just as Cahn warned might happen. [Editorial note: the current 7-year Shemitah cycle, based on the ancient Hebrew calendar, ended Sunday September 13, 2015. The Dow Jones average has dropped more than 10% since its peak 4 months ago.] We’re worried about another big terrorist attack, or God using other means to judge the nation. We discovered quite a few other Christian friends were looking at this, too, so we’ve been talking about this a lot. But I was getting ready to go on a business trip this week and my 10 and 14-year-old daughters got hysterical and asked me not to get on the plane “in case it blows up.” I didn’t realize they had been paying so much attention and absorbing everything we were talking about. How can I calm their fears and yet not downplay that we are worried that something big might happen? Read more
Dear Shaunti, I was driving my 16-year-old daughter home from volleyball practice recently when she brought up a funny comment made by one of the guys she knows at school. Then she said, “Anna said he told her he was going to ask me to Homecoming.” I was thrilled she was sharing something like that, since she’s been pretty tight-lipped the last year. And also thrilled for her, since she’s never been asked to a school dance before, and I know it would mean a lot to her. So I smiled at her and said “Wow, that is fantastic, honey!” I promise that’s all I said. But you would have thought I had shot off fireworks or something, because my daughter got this horrified look on her face and said, “I knew you’d freak out if I told you. That’s why I don’t tell you anything!” But I did not overreact, and I’m a little irritated that she says this is why she can’t talk to me. What do I do? Read more
Dear Shaunti, I’m in hot water. My wife is the most beautiful, amazing woman I know. (I’m sure she’d tell you otherwise, but it’s true.) But I just don’t talk a lot, and it is hard for me to remember to say things like “You look pretty” out loud. Last week, she had an epic melt-down while I was watching TV. She snatched the remote out of my hand, and told me I never compliment her, don’t appreciate her and... Read more
Why is it always men who look at porn, hide things, and cheat? I’m a single woman, and I can’t help but notice that in the news last week, the one thing Josh Duggar and most of the Ashley Madison cheaters have in common is that they are all men. Supposedly, even the few women on the hacked Ashley Madison site were fake profiles, just to reel in all those men out there who want to cheat. It is crazy. It makes me think women are just inherently more trustworthy. Part of me still wants to meet someone, but how can I ever trust any guy again? Read more
Dear Shaunti, Things haven’t been great between me and my wife the past few months. I’m not happy at work, we’re behind on our bills, and I’ve been pretty down. I’ve gained thirty pounds in the last year from eating a lot of junk and watching a lot of TV, which is not good because I’m a diabetic. I’ve wound up in the emergency room a couple times because of high blood sugar. My wife says she’s fed up and if I don’t start taking my health seriously and start looking for a job that makes me “less miserable” (her words, not mine), she is going to move in with her parents. I don’t know how I’d make it without her – she’s truly my better half and best friend. I just feel so paralyzed. What do I do? Read more
Dear Shaunti, My husband and I were both pretty sexually inexperienced when we first got married, so everything about our sex life was new, mysterious and exciting. But now we have two teenagers and we both work full-time. When we find the time for physical intimacy, it feels very forced. Like we’re just going through the motions. And that old spark isn’t there outside the bedroom either. A friend suggested that we watch porn movies to get us back to the old excitement, but I’m really not comfortable with it – is that something we should consider? I just want us to be excited about our physical relationship again. It sounds like a cliché to ask what we can do to spice things up again, but… what can we do to spice things up again? Read more
Dear Shaunti, I just finished your book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, and learned a lot. But I also noticed that one of your research findings is the importance of not holding anything back emotionally. Yet I’m also reading Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. It feels like a tension there between his conclusion and yours. Can’t boundaries be a healthy part of a happy marriage? -Out of Bounds Dear Out of Bounds – Well, first… thanks for... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I am irritated by all these generalizations that women should watch how they dress “because men are visual.” Well women are visual, too. There’s a hot guy at my office who works out by running the complex in gym shorts and no shirt during lunchtime, and I sure want to stand and watch. Or I catch myself daydreaming about him. And yet when that happens, I force myself to stop. But why is he out there in no... Read more
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