Depression and Anxiety – and the Meaning of Life

Depression has haunted me on and off since I was in high school. Anxiety came into the picture more when the church came into my life as my occupation. Both have weaved their way in and out of my life on several occasions.

Some will be quick to quote Deuteronomy 30:19 and to “Choose Life.” “Fear God and keep his commands” as it says in the conclusion of Ecclesiastes. But it’s not that simple. Anyone who has experienced it knows this. Shove all the Bible verses you want about ‘righteous living’ and depression will still be there to haunt people.

One of my favorite authors, Nadia Bolz Weber, decided to give her depression a name. Like demon possession, she named the ‘demon’ of depression that was tormenting her ‘Francis.’ She writes…

(Francis) was a terrible roommate. She kept the place filthy and always told me really devastating things about myself.  For some reason, when she lived with me, I was no longer able to do simple things like shop for groceries….

And then there’s anxiety. Like something that comes up behind your back and seizes you for no apparent reason. Most of the time nothing is wrong, you rationalize to yourself. I would be lying in bed many times with my partner next to me. In every way, rationally, I was warm, safe, and comfortable. Why did I feel this threat of impending doom?

Thankfully, Gabapentin twice a day keeps my demon of anxiety at bay these days.

The Bible has so much to offer us on the subject. Why did Jeremiah constantly warn of the destruction of Jerusalem? The easy answer is that he was a prophet and knew it was coming. But perhaps, if we investigate this character further, might we conclude that he too, suffered from these same issues. How about Jesus and his sense of impending dread in the Garden of Gethsemane? Or perhaps the most perfect example is in Job who loses his entire household and his health in a somewhat questionable betting game between God and Satan.

So where is God when life feels utterly meaningless, and our world seems to be heading to oblivion? I often turn to food and shopping. I gain weight and enlarge my credit card bill. After I suddenly lost my job with the church I was a pastor of, the next six months were hell. It will take several years to clean up what has happened in my depression.

It’s a reminder that life is about relationships. It’s not about what we eat, what we buy, what we drink or the drugs we take to dull the pain. The struggle in Ecclesiastes is to find some worth in life beyond doing the same things over and over again. To argue with the author’s thesis, I say that the human condition is one of striving, to better ourselves. I’m also disappointed with the author’s resolution. It could have said much more about love, joy, passion, and the experiences that make life breathtaking. It is these gifts from God that make life worth living.

Look at how far the human race has come since Ecclesiastes’ writing – perhaps for better or worse. Look in the wide-eyed anticipation of a child on Christmas Eve and you will see that life is not ‘meaningless!’ For me, looking out at the sunset on a summer’s day in Door County, Wisconsin helps me to remember that life is amazing and meaningful.

In a few months, I will start training to become a hospice chaplain. Not because I am morbid or obsessed with death. Others have cautioned me to avoid this sector of ministry, warning me of how ‘difficult’ it will be. But the reason I feel called to it in this season is because of my own experiences, including those with depression and anxiety. What better way to honor and celebrate life than at its ending?

The struggles are real, but life is also so rich and beautiful. Choose life. Invest in yourself. Invest in others. Those who need it, get the help that is needed. There should be no shame anymore in finding help for depression and anxiety – only compassion and grace.