More of the same

More of the same September 12, 2011

My vacation stopped feeling like a vacation and has felt more like a holding pattern for at least the last week. My spiritual practice has suffered tremendously. As it goes, so do I. While I recognize in myself the fruits of my previous efforts -I am slower to anger, more compassionate, and more patient with the unexpected and the waiting – I am far more in thrall to my whims and moods. Oh what an inconsistent creature I am! I rise and fall according to the chemical dance of my blood sugar, I sway with the soundness of sleep from the night before.

I remember to observe Mondays and Fridays in honor of Shiva and Kali. I wear white, I abstain from alcohol. I remember to chant ever so briefly. But I am failing at avoiding social media. I still read a few sections from the Living Siva e-book. I have started the Bhagavad Gita. The lack of personal space and scheduling forces me to offer up my lack of devotions as a devotion itself.

This blog has surely suffered for this interruption. I try not to beat myself up but instead take this all as information. I notice my reactions to the inert food, to my lack of sleep, to the heat, etc and try and use that noticing as a meditation. But it’s hard and all I feel like doing is whining. This isn’t how I wanted to wind up my time with Hinduism. But it is what it is, and I let go of results of my efforts.

Tomorrow I get five days of actual vacation: we head up to the San Francisco Bay Area to see friends and Do Things. I hope this rejuvenates my spirit, even though I know my soul is perfect as it always has been and always will be, I still hope the other parts of me can perk up and catch on.

“On this path effort never goes to waste, and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear.” The Bhagavad Gita 2:40

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