My Sex Education

…was taught by Planned Parenthood. Which is funny, because they’re stupid.

In walks the lady with her box of condoms, handing out surveys. I forget the exact questions, except that they all had yes or no answers, and – sadly – no answer entitled, “what the hell is wrong with you, that’s the dumbest thing anyone’s ever asked me in my life.” So I was forced to write it in. Wait, one question I do remember: “Do you think birth control education will reduce abortions?”

O.K. Clearly these surveys don’t have any bearing on Planned Parenthood, they were just designed to get us to think. Or laugh. So this question was created for the sole purpose of us saying, “Ah! That’s why a crusty old nurse is here talking about “maximizing sexual experience.” She’s here to help reduce abortions!” Not to create a climate of promiscuity that results in the big business she works for profiting from unwanted pregnancies. Nah. They’re the good guys. Right?

This is funny because – in somewhat of a developing theme – they are stupid.

Wrong. Luckily I could fill in the ‘no’ box for that question quite confidently. The old women then proceeded to inform the class of boys that their penis sizes were normal, which is a fantastic way of making everyone feel abnormal, and me to question what exactly the size of her salary was, and whether that was normal, to be paid to tell 15 year olds that you are totally fine with their penises. She then proceeded to the good ol’, look! condoms-fit-over-my-arm-without-breaking routine, which – in her and her institution’s defense – looked like the best part of her day. It was awkward – then – when the condom broke with a snap over her hand. She turned red and muttered something about it being past the condom’s expiration date, which was REALLY AWKWARD because she had priorly said that the condom was new. She threw it out and didn’t try another one. Several bros in the back sobered. So that was nice.

Now I knew that Planned Parenthood’s condoms were ranked as some of the least effective ever made, because hey, something’s gotta keep the customers coming back, but this was funny because…well because they’re stupid guys, I can’t help that. So there I was, being told that masturbation was healthy, that pornography helps marriages, reading over a list of the uncountable amount strings and bags and walls and chemicals and metals and hoops that women were morally and civilly responsible for maintaining for the sake of the well-being of their boyfriends, when it was mentioned, with all the weight of authority, that most NFP methods had a 60-70% success rate. I pointed out, with all the weight of a teenager, that that percentage was pretty much the success rate for having sex whenever you wanted. To which I was given the “exaaactly” look, which further convinced me that, you guessed it, they’re stupid.

The whole affair – which if it weren’t so late I might give more examples from – was hilarious. I’m just not a guy that goes into righteous indignation shocks. Which I’m thankful for, because subverting the dominant paradigm, to borrow a phrase from Shea, requires a certain ease – no one listens the kid foaming at the mouth and quoting the Bible. Rather, the whole situation gave me great hope. Surely, surely, surely others would see how completely dumb the culture of death is. Surely they’d notice that all the videos and educational presentations we watched were from the seventies and early eighties, fuzzy and out of place on the school’s smartboards, full of big sweaters and stupidity. Surely they’d realize that, if this is how Planned Parenthood wins, defeat is far sweeter.

And not stupid.