Shocking Developments on April 1

In a totally unexpected move, President Obama yesterday nominated Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky to be the next Supreme Court justice on the bench. Flustered by the unexpected move, after repeatedly telling one and all that there would be no hearings in the Senate about a new Supreme Court appointment until there was a new President, McConnell in a press conference this morning reversed himself and told the world that he had changed his mind and was honored to be nominated for this august post, and would be setting up the Senate Confirmation hearings forthwith. Some of McConnell’s Republican colleagues in the Senate, smelling a ruse or a rat, cautioned McConnell that President Obama was not to be trusted, and that McConnell might be tainted by such a person nominating him, but he brushed this suggestion off saying— “No, the President had a moment on lucidity yesterday and did something we Republicans thought would never happen. It just goes to show how unpredictable politics in Washington can be.”

Fox News commentators were at a loss for words over this latest move by President Obama, and wondered if in fact McConnell had secretly gone soft on abortion, or gun control, or EPA regulations, or super pacs, or gay marriage, or illegal immigrants, or the national debt. McConnell reassured them that he had made no ‘deal with the Devil’ in order to get this nomination.

In other surprising news emerging on April 1, President Obama also nominated Stephen Colbert to be the next ambassador to France, remarking that he was doing so “because his last name sounds French” though he is actually of Irish descent. Colbert reportedly responded on Twitter that he was all a twitter about this possibility, but wondered if it meant he would have to give up hosting ‘the Late Show’ thinking maybe it could be filmed in Paris instead at ungodly hours when the embassy would be closed and he would be off duty.

Finally, Silas Marner, the spokesman for the IRS announced today that because of a lack of funds, all of the offshore banking accounts of America’s millionaires and billionaires would be audited and then taxed appropriately until the national debt was eliminated. And that’s all the news that’s fit to print this morning:)