HELP! My Kids are Wild at Church!

This week Fr. Longenecker posted a great response to a question about how someone can be active in worship. He stated  that those of us who worship as laity need not feel that we need to have some official role in order to participate but that:

The lay faithful should join in with the words of the liturgy and join in singing the hymns–engaging their hearts and minds… When Mass begins you offer your attention. As the process comes down the aisle you offer yourself as the bride of Christ coming down the aisle to meet the groom. As you confess your sins you offer the dark side of who your are to God for cleansing and renewal. When the ministry of the Word begins you offer your thoughts and attention and your preconceptions and bigotry and small mindedness asking that the Scriptures will renew your mind. You seal this by reciting the creed with attention and fervor.

The prayers of the faithful are another sacrifice and offering–”Here are the cares and trouble of the church and the whole world” You imagine them being offered up on an altar of sacrifice. The offertory is a sign and gesture of the whole action of sacrifice and offering. Then as the consecration begins and the communion continues you pay attention and bring in your own heart and mind all these things that have gone before and you offer yourself, your soul and your body as the body and blood of Christ are being offered up. During the hymns and music you offer your voice and mind in praise. When you receive communion the whole sacrifice of the church is then applied to you personally.

I think this is GREAT advice, and it’s something that I try to do as often as I can… after all the liturgy is one of the main things that drew me into the Catholic Church. It is what I am getting my PhD in. I love the liturgy… there is only one problem…

I have two young boys!

The way mass generally goes for me is something like this:

1. We arrive after the processional… because we are somehow unable to get the kids in the car and ready to go in the amount of time that we think we can.
2. We sit down and my kids are well behaved for all of 3 seconds.
3. The oldest one then begins to loudly talk about how he doesn’t want to be there
4. He then begins to bang on the pew
5. I try to have him sit on my lap but he wriggles free and tries to climb under the pew
6. I drag him back and sternly tell him to sit still. He sits for a few moments, and the Gloria starts.
7. My son than begins to sing the Alleluia as loud as he can while we are singing the Gloria
8. Dirty looks occur from the people in front of us
9. As the first reading starts my other son poops out of his diaper and I have to run out to grab the diapers we forgot in the car.
10. I take the younger boy out to get his diaper changed
11. When I come back the homily is starting, and my oldest boy is starting to go stir-crazy
12. I have to take him to the back in order to keep him from disturbing everyone as he begins to cry and whine about how he wants to go.
13. I miss the whole homily, but I have a nice chat with my son about what the readings were.
14. We come back in as the Creed begins… I hold him in my arms, but he won’t stop wiggling… I probably pay attention to 2-3 words that are said.
15. During the prayers of the people I try to re-phase the petitions so that he understands them…. wiggling continues
16. During the Anaphora the best I can do is stand in the back praying to God that he won’t start yelling during the institution narrative this time… my prayers are not answered. More dirty looks ensue.
17. We say the Lord’s Prayer… and my son knows this one, but chooses to change the words to try to be silly. I try to tell him the Lord’s Prayer isn’t a time to be silly. He looks at me like I’m crazy.
18. We pass the peace…. he loves this part and yells “family hug!” as my wife comes over.
19. We sing the Angus Dei… he only knows one melody for this one so he sings that melody, in spite of the fact that everyone else is singling a different arraignment. Dirty looks part three.
20. I tell him that it’s time for the special meal, and we go up together. He is mad that he doesn’t get anything and whines about it as the Priest blesses him. We head back to out seat.
21. From this point on he continually asks me if mass is over until the announcements are done and the recessional hymn is sung.

This happens pretty much every week… however occasionally we have to leave early because our oldest has slipped and hit his head on the pews and is screaming, or because there is a diaper malfunction and we have to take care of a nasty mess, or any number of other catastrophes.

All of this to say, Mass is not a particularly prayerful time for me. It’s a circus. It’s wild. It’s often very stressful, and it’s certainly a time where my kids get much more of my attention than God. I would LOVE to follow Fr. Longenecker’s advice about active participation, but I’m generally too busy scrapping spit-up off my shirt or trying to keep my Children from slipping out of my fingers so they can run screaming toward the altar.

So often I look around and see the other kids in mass sitting quietly and well behaved, and I think to myself… what is wrong with me? How is it that my kids are so wild while their parents have somehow managed to teacher their little angels to sit still or play quietly in the pews.

I need help… so this is my petition to all the other parents out there. Tell me your secrets! How do you do it? Is there some prayer or Novina you say? Is there a secret class that I wasn’t invited too? Help me veteran Catholic parents, you’re my only hope!