To Spank Or Not To Spank: Between The Bible & The Belt

The Late James Dobson used to quote, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” On International Youth Day, love teaches better than spanking.

Trigger Warning: The following article involves physical, psychological, and religious abuse of children.

When I was young, my parents didn’t beat me. I wasn’t abused. I knew that I was loved. In many ways, my folks were model parents of the 1970s and 1980s. And, as Evangelicals who were the products of their times, they believed in spanking. They knew the difference between discipline and harm. As founding members of the Central Virginia Foster Parents Association, they worked closely with survivors of domestic violence. And, in those days, spanking was considered normal. So, this is what I learned.

Dobson on Discipline

In those decades, Dr. James Dobson, psychologist and founder of Focus on the Family, endorsed spanking as a scriptural and effective method of disciplining children. His widely-read book Dare to Discipline, published in 1970, became popular throughout the 1980s. In his book, The Strong-Willed Child, Dobson advocated for spanking, used sparingly, calmly, and within boundaries.

I remember Dobson saying on his radio show that the best way was for the parent to take the offending child lovingly in their arms. They should explain that they didn’t want to spank the child, but that it was for their own good. Dobson advocated for using a neutral object like a belt, switch, or hairbrush to spank the child. He frequently said that the hand should be an instrument of love and must never be employed for spanking. Otherwise, a parent making an angry hand gesture could cause a child to flinch.

How My Parents Spanked

My mother generally agreed with Dobson about spanking but took issue with this last part. She believed it was too difficult to control how hard you hit a child if you used a neutral object. So, as a measure of self-control, she used her hand whenever she spanked. “You can’t feel how hard you’re spanking if you use a neutral object,” she said. “You can feel how hard you’re spanking if you use your hand.” And she was right. Once, a broken blood vessel on her finger proved the old saying, “This is hurting me more than it’s hurting you.”

I remember getting the belt only once. I don’t recall the occasion or the infraction, but the offense must have warranted extra discipline, from my parents’ perspective. As I recollect, it was Dad who used the belt. He didn’t spank me hard with it. It was mostly for psychological effect—to drive a point home.

My Final Spanking

I remember the last time that Dad spanked me. Again, the original offense escapes my memory, but we were arguing. I called him a vulgar name, so he rushed in to spank me. (In that case, he wasn’t following Dobson’s rules.) I had grown to nearly man-height, and thought I was too big to spank. So, I fought back. I remember Dad trying to reach around me to spank my bottom while I pushed back. We were shoving against each other, shoulder to shoulder, like football players at a line of scrimmage. At some point he must have realized that either I had outgrown spanking or that he had lost control of himself, so he stopped.

Like Father, Like Son

I wish that I had learned from that incident that spanking was not the best way to discipline. Instead, all I learned was that eventually, kids outgrow it. So, when my kids were younger, I followed my parents’ example and used spanking as a form of discipline. I’d like to say that I followed the advice about always spanking in a calm, loving, and controlled manner. That was the goal, of course. But I’m sad to say that sometimes my father’s temper echoed in my behavior.

Again, I wasn’t abusive—but I do regret the way I followed my parents’ and my church’s example and teaching regarding spanking as a viable form of discipline. In this case, “like father, like son” turned out not to be a good thing. If I could go back and re-raise my four children who were born from 1993 to 2002, I would discipline differently. Today, though it’s too late for my own kids, I have abandoned my belief in spanking as a constructive means of child discipline. I hope that, unlike me, my kids learn from their dad’s mistakes.

Bible and the Belt

With all these things in mind, I must admit my horror when I heard Due West’s song “Bible and the Belt” for the first time. It’s not a new song (it was released in 2010), but it was new to me. This song’s catchy tune and clever lyrics take many of us back to the way we were raised, with country wisdom and hard-knock discipline. The problem is that songs like this normalize corporal punishment and even give an excuse for child abuse. Let me be clear that the lyrics do NOT reflect how I was personally raised. Nor are they similar to the way I raised my children. But my family grew within the milieu of Southern good ol’ boy society, and I have learned how nostalgic that culture can be when it comes to its glorification of child abuse.

Mama vs. Daddy

The first thing you notice when you hear Due West’s song is the way the songwriter contrasts his parents. His mother was the sweet spiritual one, and his father was the strict disciplinarian. Too often this happens in families that utilize corporal punishment. Mama tells the errant child, “Wait til your father gets home.” This teaches children to fear one parent, while being under-disciplined by the other. In healthy families, discipline is a task that should be shared by parents regardless of gender. The song goes:

Mamma brought the bible daddy brung the belt
Mamma set the table daddy rung the bell
The preacher did his best to show me the light
But daddy was the one that kept me walking the line
Mamma sang the gospel daddy drove it home
Mamma was an angel daddy was the brimstone
One foot in heaven one foot in hell
I found religion tween the bible and the belt

In many ways, the songwriter claims that while his mother and the pastor taught spiritual lessons, it was his father’s violence that truly taught him how to behave.

Daddy’s Violence

Due West’s song glorifies Daddy’s violence by communicating that fear was more effective than faith. It equates salvation with spanking and suggests that pain is a better teacher than love. Here, the belt’s instruction is superior to that of the Bible.

And don’t miss the double meaning here—Daddy wasn’t ringing the dinner bell. In boxing, to “ring someone’s bell” means to give them a blow to the head that causes them to lose their bearings or even knocks them out. Mama might have sung the gospel, but Daddy’s violence drove it home.

Quite an Impression

The song continues:

I guess it rings true what the good book says
What you learn young you never forget
Daddy’s belt left quite an impression on me

Due West’s song says that the Bible’s lessons are best reinforced through pain, intimidation, and abuse. It teaches that the best way to raise a child is between the Bible and the belt. But let’s talk about the kind of impression made by a belt and other forms of child abuse.

Indicators of Abuse

There may be indicators that a child is being physically abused. Some of these may include unexplained bruises, welts, cuts, burns, and abrasions. In cases of abuse, these are most likely to appear on parts of the body that are easily hidden—like the buttocks, backs of the legs, the back, or the upper arms. Injuries to bony parts of the body are normal for active children, but injuries (especially repeated ones) to fleshy/fatty parts of the body are more likely to indicate abuse. Also, bruises in specific shapes, such as belt marks, hanger stripes, hand-prints, or marks from rope or cords are an indicator. When a child shrinks back from an adult’s sudden hand gestures, this may also be a sign.

Project Harmony says that some signs that a child may be emotionally or psychologically abused might be when the child is aggressive, dishonest, defiant, or avoidant. Children who evidence regressive behavior, who describe themselves as “accident prone” or who are low achieving may also be victims of emotional abuse. Click here to read more indicators of neglect, as well as physical, mental, and sexual abuse of a child.

Not all sexual abuse leaves discernible indicators—but here are a few possible hallmarks. According to Project Harmony, A sexually abused child may have difficulty walking or sitting, may be exceptionally secretive, or might have advanced sexual knowledge. They may be either overly aggressive or overly compliant. They could exhibit seductive behavior, experience sleep problems, run away frequently, or engage in self-harm. Check out their website for further indicators.

A Religious Excuse for Child Abuse

But let’s not overlook one thing: Due West’s song isn’t just about physical child abuse. It’s also about religious abuse. Daddy’s violence drove home the religious dogma. Unfortunately, verses like “Spare the rod and spoil the child,” among others, make it seem like God wants parents to beat their children into submission, obedience, and morality. This is nothing more than a religious excuse for child abuse.

However, the Bible also says that parents should not provoke their children to anger, because they might lose heart. Jesus took the welfare of children seriously, and said that anyone who caused a little one to stumble would be better off having a millstone tied around their neck and being drowned in the deepest ocean. So, no, the Bible doesn’t tell parents that they should beat their children. Instead, it says they should love, respect, protect, and cherish them.

Signs of Spiritual Abuse

Physical abuse in the name of religion isn’t, by the way, the only type of religious abuse. According to Rogers Behavioral Health, a child who has experienced religious abuse may exhibit scrupulosity, also known as religious OCD. Here’s how Rogers describes it:

Mental images of a blasphemous nature
Excessive doubt over whether a person has committed a sin
Excessive guilt and desire to make up for past sins
Thoughts of swearing at God; thoughts that God is evil or bad
Dwelling on feared consequences of not carrying out religious prayers “just right”
Over-concern with needing to “try harder” or “do better” or to be more spiritual

Spiritual abuse by high-demand, high-control religious groups can cause children and adults to develop unhealthy religious compulsions that dominate their lives. Check out Rogers’ website to read more.

What Christian Parenting Ought to Look Like

The thing is, Jesus never used violence to drive his point home. He doesn’t force or intimidate people into compliance or morality. And he certainly never told anyone to hit their children to save their souls. So, if religious-based violence isn’t the best way to parent, what should Christian parenting look like?

Have you read 1 Corinthians 13—you know, the Love Chapter? Have you read the Gospels? I don’t have to write parenting books to compete with James Dobson’s. It’s very simple—if my parenting doesn’t look like Jesus, I’m doing it wrong. If it doesn’t line up with the Love Chapter, then something isn’t right. Christian parenting should look like love, and never violence. And no catchy nostalgic country song can make beating your child right.

What Due West Gets Right

The one line that the Due West song gets right is, “What you learn young you never forget.” August 12 is International Youth Day. It’s a good time to recognize the fact that it matters how Christians discipline their children. I have never forgotten my dad’s hand raised in anger, and I’m certain my children will always remember mine. I wish I could go back and do things differently, and you’ll regret it too, if you use violence to enforce your values. If you want to instill love and faith in your child, the only way to do that is to model those very things.