Submission: As Good as it Gets

In the comments of a recent post, we were discussing what “being submissive to your husband” might mean in practical terms, and especially how to live this teaching when it feels like your husband is not the “head of the family” that you might like him to be. The thought was this — what if my husband is not a bad guy, but just sort of “ok”? It might be easier to be submissive if I felt like he was actively taking the lead and steering us in the right direction, but what if your husband is lukewarm in his faith, or lacks solid Christian formation, or is just a little burnt out himself? Does submission require that you just allow the family to drift? Well, the Kennedys have got me in a sailing mood, so my advice is this: trim the sails and get the boat moving, and you may well find he takes the helm in the very best ways.

I am going to give some specific, practical advice. Because it is specific, you will probably find that at least some of it does not apply to your situation. Take what is useful and disregard the rest, or take these things as babysteps a little bit at a time. What I can tell you is that my husband is a wonderful man, which is why I married him. When I have struggled, this advice has come either from the builders, spiritual directors, or my mother and grandmother, and when I follow it, my marriage is terrific.

1. When you want or need something from him, ask for specific things using nice language.

Sure, we all wish that our husbands could read our minds, or were just so sensitive that they knew what we wanted, but this kind of attitude is unfair and unrealistic. If your husband is a decent guy but doesn’t take out the trash, tie up the trash bag, and ask him to please carry out the trash. While he is doing that, replace the trash bag. If he stinks at celebrating your birthday, you can say “my birthday is next tuesday, I am arranging a babysitter, would you please make a reservation at LeCirque.” He will do it.

For a real life example, this principle made a huge difference in Red’s recent family beach week. She got all the bags ready, and then told Mr. Red “It is important to me to leave before 8:30 because sitting in traffic puts me in a foul mood at the start of the vacation. The bags are all ready, so would you please pack the car the night before and plan to get an early start?” It was a reasonable request, she asked nicely, he is a reasonable man, and they were sitting on the beach at 10.

2. Don’t give negative feedback as soon as he has done something.

This is a toughie. If you are asking for help inside the house, or with anything to do with the kids, he might not do it the way you would have done it. His way might be different, or it might be just plain wrong, but either way, bite your tongue. If you ask him to dress the baby for church and he comes out with stained overalls, let it go. Keep this in mind: the fault was yours, you should have been more specific and asked him to dress the baby in clean clothes. If it really matters, next time lay the clothes out, but in most areas it doesn’t really matter, so accept that if you are going to get him involved you are going to have to let him do it his way.

3. Praise and say “Thank You”

Let’s face it, everyone loves to hear how great they are, and if you thank your husband for the great job he is doing in certain areas, there is a good chance that he will try even harder. Also, in looking for opportunities to thank him, you will have a chance to notice for yourself all the great stuff he is actually doing.

4. Don’t Compare

It does not matter which one of you is working harder, and it also does not matter what is going on in anyone else’s marriage. The truth is, you just don’t know what goes on behind other people’s walls, but more importantly you have to live within yours. The last thing someone wants to hear is how much better someone else is, and really, it doesn’t even help to think it.

5. Cheer for his team

I grew up a Yankees fan, but I have recently realized that embracing my husband’s hometown team is an important part of “leaving and cleaving.” One way in which he is the head of the household is that he gets to pick what team your sons are going to fall in love with. Now, I am not a football fan at all, but I learned last year that football was not going away, so I had a choice: it could unite us, or divide us. Going back to #1, I told him that I would happily make game day food and let the kids wear jerseys, but that we could really only dedicate one weekend day to football, and this compromise seems to have really worked out for us. Now, I am happy to watch part of the Phillies game, then do the dishes or fold laundry while he watches, happy to have him shout to me when there are exciting plays, happy to have a household that is obsessed during the playoffs.

Recently, some guy friends were complaining to my husband about their wives hating sports, and he was so excited to say that I love watching the game with him. Now, Red can testify that I am not a true Philly fan and that I know very little about sports, but the key words here are “with him.” The reality is, football is his “man zone” so I am just glad that he wants me in there at all. I think of it like dating – you would try to find out a little bit about his team before you went to the Monday Night Football party at the fraternity, so give yourself a shot here – order some hot wings and get in on the fun.

Please note: If you are yourself a die-hard sports fan and you can cheer for a different team in a flirty-friendly rivalry sort of way, then by all means, keep your loyalties.

6. Find common ground

Of course, I don’t want to watch sports all the time, and my husband has no interest in scrapbooking, so it has helped to find some things that we have liked to do together. This can mean compromising. I ski on easier ski slopes because I enjoy skiing with him, we DVR’ed American Idol and watched it every week, even though it is cheezy, because it was something fun to do together, we go to the driving range and he watches me do a terrible job hitting golf balls, and I let him show off as he does a better job, and we have fun. These are all things we would have done when we were dating, and they are an important part of maintaining the relationship.

7. Hire help

JM is laughing because I got all negative when she suggested this, but the truth is, she is right. If you are overwhelmed and burnt out, you need help, and if he can’t or won’t give it, you have to hire some to get over the hump. If there are areas of major contention in your marriage, like house cleaning, yard work or child care, hiring help may ease the tension. I have had a revelation recently, becuase our budget is tight, that hired help can come in the form of a frozen pizza and a DVD on Friday nights. Seriously, I don’t have to cook dinner and kids are glued to the TV for 90 minutes, what a way to start the weekend!

8. Lay off the in-laws.

Of course his parents annoy you sometimes, even your own parents annoy you sometimes! Try hard to let it go, because no one wants to hear nasty comments about their family, and it is just going to lead to bad stuff. He loves you, he chose you, but he loves his parents also and he, and you, owe them some respect. Nobody’s perfect, and they do things differently than you do. It is hard to blend families together, but this is another important part of “leaving and cleaving.” You can follow #1 and set reasonable boundaries about the role they play in your life, how much you see them, etc, but err on the side of generosity and remember, you will be someone’s mother in law someday, too, and no matter how much better you think you will be, you will still drive her a little crazy.

9. Respect him

Do not insult or belittle your husband, especially in the area of “manly” things that he is not good at. Do not list off all his faults to your mom or your girlfriends on the playground. We all need a good vent now and then, but do this with a trusted friend who will, at the end, tell you something wonderful about your husband and encourage you to get right back to loving him. Most of all, encourage your children to treat him with respect and do not enumerate his faults to them. There is nothing so inspiring to a man as being his little child’s hero, and if you pop that bubble you also lose all the chance for growth that your husband might have had in that role.

10. Exercise

Everything is better when you exercise. If your husband needs to exercise, too, leave that aside, and just worry about yourself. I often leave for a run with a list of grievances, but I always come back in a much better mood. I have come to realize that it is so important for me to take care of myself in this way. If your husband wants or needs time to exercise, make that as easy for him as you can, he will be better for it, in health and disposition, so the time is very well spent.

11. Pray

Pray for your husband, your marriage, and your family every day. Go to the sacraments. Seek out a good priest for Spiritual Direction. Have faith that marriage to this man is your path to sanctification, but that does not mean that if your husband is not dragging you to prayer you do not go yourself. I spent a lot of time on “if only” — we would pray a family rosary if only he would take the initiative, we would stop falling into certain sins if only he would take the lead. Well, that will get you nowhere. First, get yourself right. Next, feel free to invite or suggest, but stop nagging and let him come to it in his own way and God’s own time.

I hope at least some of these suggestions are helpful. All I know is, this is what works for me, and my marriage is as good as it gets.

For more on men and prayer, you might check out the podcast at Faith and Family Live. Episode 20 has a great comment from a married man about his growth as the spiritual leader of his family.

An important disclaimer:

This advice assumes that neither you or your husband have underlying mental health, substance abuse issues or other reasons for needing therapy. If you do, or he does, there is really no amount of friendly advice that is going to help you, you need to seek professional help. If you are in an abusive situation, tell someone you trust and make a plan for leaving as soon as possible. It is not your fault, it will get worse, and it is not up to you to “be nicer and work it out.”