To All You Whiny Snowflakes Who *Need* an Epidural

To All You Whiny Snowflakes Who *Need* an Epidural March 29, 2017


Several days ago, I put up a post about gradualism and NFP. In the com-box, I had a number of women show up to prattle on about the “difficulties” that they’ve had in trying to space births naturally. I’ve also had several much holier women show up to point out that these women are crybabies who really just need to grow up.

So, say a woman has tried four different types of NFP and hasn’t been able to find an instructor who could pin-point her fertility with any of the methods. Obviously, her problem is that she hasn’t read the right pamphlet on the internet. Or a woman who has had multiple unplanned pregnancies in spite of practicing the prescribed abstinence, and who now has life-threatening health complications? Clearly, someone with no self-control. The kind of woman who gobbles Easter chocolate on Good Friday. Amirite?

While I was soaking in the wisdom of these comments, I realized that it’s not only NFP. Women are habitual whiners, snivelers and, let’s face it, liars. We’re constantly making up sob-stories to cover for the fact that we are basically weak-willed, overgrown toddlers who go crying to our mommies the moment things get even a little bit hard.

Like, for example, labour.

I don’t know about you, but I am so sick of all of these women who are constantly going around whinging about how hard it is to push a baby out of their bodies. “You want to know what labour is like? Pull your lips back over your head?” or “It’s like pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of a golf ball.” Seriously? No. Labour is natural. Our bodies are made for it. It really just isn’t that hard.

Women will try to tell you that they were in labour for like 30, 40 hours. That’s nonsense. The only reason why that even happens (if it even happens) is that women are doing it wrong. The cervix is basically a sphincter, and like any other sphincter it works best when it is relaxed. Women who take forever in labour take forever because they’re not actually giving in to the birth process. They’re not trusting their bodies. Believe me: if you’re one of those dames whose doctors decided you “needed” an emergency c-section, it’s because you didn’t know what you were doing, and your doctor was incompetent. I have a great method that will show you just how easy it is to give birth naturally, without pain medication, and without it taking hours and hours and hours.

So first thing, labour only takes an hour or two. Two and a half at the outside. I should know: I’ve given birth to seven babies, and the only time that my labours have ever been longer than that, it was because I had unnecessary medical interventions. A natural birth will not go on for nearly as long as women say it will.

Of course, women will exaggerate. They’ll start counting labour from the first little contractions that are hours and hours apart, and aren’t even regular. Ladies, those are not labour. They’re called Braxton-Hicks contractions. They aren’t painful, and they don’t count. So don’t give me this nonsense about how you were in labour for days. No you weren’t. That wasn’t labour.

Real labour is hard, sure, but it’s not so painful that you can’t endure it. If you think you need pain meds, it just means that you have no pain threshold and haven’t trained yourself properly. If you follow my seven protocols for natural birth pain-management, you are guaranteed a manageable labour in under two hours. More than 99% of women who have used my method are satisfied with their natural labour experience.

It’s easy.

1. First, you need to relax. Go in expecting the birth to be easy, and it will be.

2. Spend the early part of labour in a bath or a shower. This helps with relaxation, and the warm water will be more than enough to take the edge off the pain.

3. Give birth in the squatting position. Labouring prone is a modern practice which undermines the body-wisdom of generations of women.

4. You need to embrace the contractions. Welcome the feelings that wash over your body, thank them for coming and helping you to give life.

5. Get your courage up so you’re ready to give birth like a warrior. When you start feeling like the baby is coming, watch a lot of movies starring Sly Stallone and Clint Eastwood.

6. You can’t expect to give birth like a Stoic if you haven’t trained like a Stoic. Read Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius for at least six months before giving birth and make sure you do any exercises that they recommend. (If you skip exercises, or don’t do them properly, you’re not taking the method seriously.)

7. Finally – and this is the crucial step that most women overlook – you’re going to need to have a few practice babies to get it right. Four or five is usually a good number. Think of those labours as being like that first pancake that you throw away in order to get the skillet to the right temperature.

So stop whining to me about how you need epidurals, and labour is so painful. Seriously, ladies, it’s time to grow a pair! Don’t be a crybaby. If you do it right, like me, you’ll have no trouble at all.

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