Even with Swole Arms, Steven Furtick Still Unable to Lift Truth from Bible

Even with Swole Arms, Steven Furtick Still Unable to Lift Truth from Bible February 15, 2017

Elevation Church, North Carolina – In his rather candid and enigmatic style, Steven Furtick plainly told interviewers yesterday that despite his grueling gym routine, he is still having an immense amount of difficulty lifting truth out of the Bible.

“I’ve been hitting the gym three times a day for the past few years – and I’ve really amped up my core exercises, but no matter how many of them heavy weights I’m lifting, I still can’t get a good grip on the Bible. I haven’t even skipped leg day once.”

Furtick further revealed just how small his gains have been. “You’d think after hitting the weights at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, I’d have more to show for it. I can’t quite help but feel like I didn’t really get everything I should have out of my time there.”

Despite his impressive machismo and bicep measurements, he admittedly can’t quite keep up with the other heavy lifters. Disheartened, Furtick put down his Shakeweight™ and asked, “I mean, I look like a guy who lift heavy truth, right? But, hand me that book and I keep coming up empty handed. I don’t get it.”

We also sat down with John MacArthur to ask him a few questions about his pre-preaching routine, freshly after he got done mowing his lawn in a full suit. “Listen,” he said. “The preacher is not a chef; he’s a waiter. God doesn’t want you to make the meal; He just wants you to deliver it to the table without messing it up. That’s all. If you want sick gains, you have to be mastered by the conviction that you don’t need supplements. You need the real deal.”

When questioned about the qualifications of Steven Furtick, MacArthur simply looked deeply into the camera, exhaled heavily, and said, “Bro, do you even lift?”

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  • Basement Berean

    Well, cardio is more important to Furtick anyway so he can pant, fume, and rage through his sermons rants.