Frequently Searched Questions: How to Play a Christian Character in Skyrim

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is People Still Play “Video” Games?

Q 1. Can video games cause Scapegoat?

Since the first pong was ponged in PONG in 1972, studies have demonstrated that 39% of all outbreaks of Scapegoat are caused directly by video “games.” While it would be wrong to place all of the blame for these epidemics on “video” games, they are the only cause, thirty-nine percent of the time, according to Sciences.

Q 2. My friend went on a mission trip where she prayed for people who were miraculously healed I think they were fake healings how do I prove it?

Well, you can track down the “healed” people, interview them, obtain their medical records, speak with family and friends, run independent medical exams on them and compile your findings into a comprehensive volume which you publish under the title, The Guatemalan Fake Healings of My Friend Susan Hoffer: A Quantitative and Empirical Study. Let’s see how smug she is after that makes the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Alternatively, you could take her rock climbing and break your leg on purpose so that she has to heal you or you’ll die in the wilderness. Imagine the look on her face when you’re dying and she’s all, “I’m sorry, I guess those healings were fake like you said!” BOOM! I knew it! And then the search plane is circling overhead but it’s too late cause you’re bleeding out and everything and she’s all, “Oh why didn’t I listen to you” and you’re all, “It’s okay, Susie. It’s okay.” Cause you’re bigger than that. Next day, the news is like, “Apparently young Susan believed she had super powers and could heal her friend. This undoubtedly lead to her untimely death. A tragedy.” Yeah, Susan Hoffer.

Q 3. He challenged me to play video games?

Look, man. Wilcox warned you. He said if you kept riding him he’d make you regret it. Now it’s too late. Nice knowing you, bro.

Q 4. Can I wear yoga pants to work?

Are you a Yoga Instructor or Christian Stripper (See Q 8, below)?

Q 5. Mark Driscoll video games are stupid quotes?

Here are the best quotes from critics who feel that the Mark Driscoll Video Game series is stupid:

“At first I thought the controls were broken, then I realized I had subconsciously broken my controller–to escape the game.” –IGNN

“The UFC level was intense–ly awful! But I’m glad it had me verify my gender before the level started.”–GAMESHTOP

“I was depressed by the number of button-up graphic shirts I could unlock!”–Joystick Spelled Correctly

“The stage where you go into a house and beat up a 20-year-old dude living in his parents’ basement playing video games was meta-fantastic! I kept looking behind me, expecting Mark Driscoll to smack me while I was playing.”–Other Video Game Place

Q 6. LOOK AT NAKID GAILS!

I stared at this request for a long time. What could it mean? What is “nakid gails? Why do I need to look at them? Who sent this message to me and why was it so important? After fairly exhaustive research I discovered what is probably obvious to you: “nakid” isn’t a name, it’s an acronym. It refers, of course, to the North American Killer Whale ID project.

But I was still no closer to solving the mystery. Why did I need to look at the NAKID project? And what was “gails”? It was the plural that confused me, but once I dropped the “s,” the pieces fell together.

Gail Limited is the “Largest gas transmission and marketing company in India.”

Someone wanted me to look at the relationship between the NAKID project and Gail Limited. What would a gas company want with a project to track killer whales—unless the whales were being used to ship gas across the ocean.

So, I guess that’s a possibility.

Q 7. How to play a Christian character in Skyrim?

Just as there are numerous ways to be a Christian in the “real” world, so there are in Skyrim. Here are a few suggestions:

1. The Evangelist. You awake one morning in a foreign universe with the knowledge of the Christian faith in your head. All around you humans, reptiles, Orcs, cat-like dudes, and Elves worship strange gods and practice magic or archery. As the sole Christian in this pagan world, you set about evangelizing. While street preaching in Whiterun, you accidentally strike a merchant, who immediately calls the city guards, who kill you instantly since you have not leveled up at all. The good news is, you go to heaven.

2. The Pietist. Strictly follow the Biblical commands in all areas of the game. No magic. Fight only in self defense. Never steal. Always choose the most honest speech options. If you are a female character, quit the game immediately or spend your time riding horses, harvesting plants, and making potions. Do not look lustfully on any Khajiit. Worship at no shrines. Set aside 10% of your loot in case you find a Bible church somewhere north of the Windhelm where you can give tithe and become an AWANAS leader. Turn off the in-game music and play DCTalk or other Christian music. If there’s an opportunity to vote, vote republican, which probably means the Storm Cloaks.

3. The Charismatic. Use magic. All the time. On everyone. And jump. Never stop jumping and using magic. This was a lot more fun in Oblivion where you would level up from jumping and casting magic a bunch.

4. The Theonomist. As you are killing people, tell yourself that you are merely “taking dominion.”

5. The American Evangelical. If a Blacksmith gets boycotted by some dirty Argonians for donating money through a guild-charity to various organizations that occasionally oppose same-speicies marriage, set up a Blacksmith Appreciation day to show them that blacksmiths won’t be bullied by the radical Argonian agenda. Alternatively, just play the game however you would like and every so often toss a few coins at some pagan shrine and convince yourself that it counts as attending church.

Q 8.  Christian strip club?

Not to be confused with “Yoga class at the gym,” Christian Strip Clubs rarely stay open very long: “Trust me, honey. It’s a Christian strip club. All they do is strip down to oversized t-shirts and culottes or loose yoga pants. Besides, my accountability partner will be there with me and the club makes you pray for spiritual protection against lusting before the girls come out. The guys say it actually decreased their libidos!”

Q 9. Should a Christian be involved in Scifi?

I want to handle this question carefully to be sensitive to weaker brothers. The proper involvement for a Christian in Scientifical Fiction is difficult to discern.

For example, while it is perfectly appropriate for a Christian to craft time machines or help to construct a Death Star, it would certainly be wrong for a Christian to use that time machine to win at gambling ala Back to the Future II, or to use the Death Star to blow up Alderaan. So while we can say that it is often fine for Christians to be involved in “SciFi,” if they use that scientifical knowledge to cheat someone or to destroy a planet, that’s bad.

Q 10. The Bible History Channel Asian Ninja?

A word puzzle. Unscrambled it reads, “Channel the Asian Bible History, Ninja.”