Companions on the Journey
We know that the mirror doesn’t lie, though, as we get older, I suppose, we wish sometimes it would. For the Evil Queen in the tale “Snow White” by the Brothers Grimm, the magic mirror is the truth teller. The Evil Queen is “the fairest in the land,” until Snow White arrives. This single truth re-directs the story line and in the case of the Evil Queen moves her to plot the demise of her innocent young rival.
In this essay, I will explore the essential relatedness of knowing, loving and truth telling and the idea that the deeper we are willing to go into each of these three factors, the deeper and more sacred our relationships with ourselves and with others become. Our presence in the world arises in two forms: our relationship with ourselves and our relationships with everyone and everything else. Each incarnation, each lifetime involves learning to weave these two types of relationships seamlessly together into the unique tapestry that is each of our lives. Truth is the transformative weaving material that we use.
A misconception about love.
“I can’t love you, until I first know you.” Of course, that is what we all think! But, starting this way in getting to know each other, we consciously and unconsciously invite all manner of shadow, subterfuge and manipulation into the mix. My sense of who you are is gleaned from who you are telling and showing me that you are, what of that I can relate to, what I am willing or not willing to reveal to you about myself, what you think I might like, my avoiding what I think you might not like, and so on.
Meanwhile all along the way, subtle truths are being shown about who you and I really are, hidden perhaps in humor or in the stories we choose to share. It is these subtle truths that actually garner the attention of the soul, that really “charm” and “enchant” us and incline us toward more discovery, but we tend to ignore or overlay that budding curiosity with what we have “learned” or been programmed to expect and to desire or demand.
The images of each person and of the relationship that are reflected back to us from the mirror are a foggy, fractured combination of persona, ego and cultural guidelines. This complex combination can produce a composite of many not necessarily analogous images. We can “appear” different in different situations, or with different people, as we access and activate both conscious and unconscious responses from the world view by which we live.
Guided by our emotions and our thinking mind, we mold and fit our potential partners into false images intimately related to who we are, how he/she impacts our lives, how he/she makes us “feel,” rather than who he/she truly is. We see the other as an “extension” of ourselves and we develop plans for and have expectations of that “extension.” When any relationship ends, the words we often hear are, “I don’t think I know you anymore. Maybe I never did.” That could indeed be true, because this kind of “knowing” is not the place to start.
Re-thinking the misconception.
“I can’t know you, until I love you.” What a minute, isn’t that backwards!? How would that work? Am I really expected to take a leap with, no less than, my heart. . . on the line! This is the deeper journey, the journey initiated and embraced by the soul.
This is when, I think, we need to remind ourselves that “love is safe.” So much more than safe, but safe is good enough for now. Taking the leap, I approach you with love, compassion and openness. I open my heart to you. Somewhere along the way, we each learn that “truly loving” another only leaves us richer, not poorer, regardless of the outcome. What we learn about ourselves is what makes us richer. There are two parts to this loving before knowing: curiosity about your uniqueness (what really makes you tick?) and taking joy in you as an articulation of God. I am now “invested” in you. I believe in you. I don’t need to be “wow-ed” or convinced. “You just being you” will be “wow” enough for me!
Feeling loved and accepted by someone, as we truly are, makes vulnerability possible, because the “safety” of this kind of love gets the “OK” and the “Go Ahead” from the ego. I am now free – free to open and blossom, in the sunshine of love, in the earth of vulnerability, in the waters of compassion, refreshed by the shifting wind of Spirit. And, so we are – together – experiencing the grace-filled gift of being truly “seen.”
The image of the relationship that is reflected back to us from this mirror is growing clearer with each “polishing” encounter, as each individual and their deepening relationship come into clearer and clearer focus. And, trust is an integral, growing part of the equation.
Is trust more important than love?
Are trust and love the same? Are trust and love different? I find it interesting to test these questions by saying the following words, holding myself or a particular person in mind, “I love you” and then to say “I trust you.” I find that I get a slightly different feeling from the two statements. I know that I/you love me, but can/do I trust myself/you to care for the deepest, most vulnerable part of me, the part of me where I truly “live?”
What’s the hitch here? I think it has to do with the final surrender into relationship.
Spiritual partnerships
Spiritual journeys, whether on our own or together with someone we love, have to do ultimately with surrender. Spiritual partnerships require both a willingness and a commitment to look more closely at ourselves and at each other in the safe space of a loving relationship and to work within that relationship toward the spiritual evolution of both the individuals and the relationship itself. It is the raison d’être of this kind of relationship. While one experiences the deepest joy in the many extraordinary facets of a close, loving relationship, of all those facets, spiritual evolution is the most important.
Conclusion
Truth is the key to knowing and loving and it is essential to lasting, fulfilling relationships. Truth telling is peeling back ultimately all the layers, until we find the essential, eternal truth, the essence at the core of ourselves, of those we love and of our relationships with them. Being honest about who we are and being open and accepting of the honesty of others communicated in love, yields both compassion for self and other and reverence for the specialness, the “holiness,” of each and of both together. The relationship is blesséd.
In the story of Snow White, the magic mirror is the truth teller. It cannot do otherwise, but alas, we have to work at it. We hear phrases like, “the truth will out,” and “the truth will set you free.” Truth is the modus operandi of the soul. The soul is creating and guiding the “story line” of our lives. And, like the Evil Queen, we sometimes receive a “reality check” from the soul.
We must ask ourselves then, what sort of “ground” we want our relationships to be built upon. What good and how sustainable (not to mention fulfilling) is a relationship without honesty, when I am in love with an “image” of who I imagine or think you are, but not who you really are? When love “fails,” what kind of “love” was it?
As we engage moment by moment in creating our lives, there are three questions I think we want to ask about our love for ourselves and our love for others. Is this love planted firmly in the fertile “ground” of truth? Is my loving born of joy and acceptance? Is my knowing in an ongoing/evolving state of discovery, fueled by my awe-filled curiosity about and connection with the divinity I perceive in you?
Namasté
* Many thanks to Father Seán ÓLaoire for his crucial insight (and the seed for this essay) that loving must be present before knowing is possible.
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