The Growing Accusation of Grooming: Why Everyone You Don’t Like is Not a Groomer

It seems that everyone, everywhere (or rather, right-leaning agitated Conservatives) believes the world is filled with pedophiles and sex-traffickers. That lurking behind every homework assignment is “grooming” material and in every classroom, pedophile teachers trying to turn children gay.

If it wasn’t so absurd, it would be comical. We could all laugh about it and disregard the paranoias of these sexually frustrated individuals. But it’s not funny, is it? It’s a serious accusation to call someone a pedophile or a groomer. You can’t just go walking around school board meetings and accusing the entire school of handing out pornographic images to kids without some evidence. Many people and institutions have been maligned with these allegations from paranoid district participants who have watched one too many YouTube videos.

I get it. The Epstein/Maxwell story shook the entire globe. A private island, private jets, testimony of young women who were tangled in the web of deceit and exploitation, sex trafficking stats leaking out to the mainstream—there are real troubling acts happening that are a cause for concern for many parents around the country. But even concern is no grounds for the steep accusations that are so frivolously dispatched to anyone who doesn’t agree with you.

What’s more is that on both sides of the political spectrum, there is a general erosion of sexual identity and erotic intelligence. From the left, gender and sex are merely socially constructed ideas that aren’t worth utilizing as definitive identity markers. From the right, sex is so dangerous and so easily perverted that no one should learn about it nor engage in the activity of it. Both directions are of course poorly navigated routes to loneliness and disconnection.

Loneliness and disconnection are also two factors that create the fertile soil for the abundant blossoming of projection. Add in a dash of sexual frustration and identity confusion and you have sowed the seeds for righteous indignation. These factors contribute to my theory about the individuals that so eagerly dispatch degrading labels of “pedophile” and “groomer” to anyone who challenges them or their beliefs.

When a person is confused about their own beliefs about sex, they tend to take it out on others. Consider how many Christian Conservatives take issue with same-sex relationships or queer identities. They have it in their minds that there should be no question about who they are or whom they are attracted to. Same-sex and queer relationships upset the heteronormative programs. For Conservatives, they are faced with a cruel choice: Obtain more information to better understand self or reject information as presented so they can feel confident about the roles they have been operating in without question.

No one wants to be challenged about what they believe, yet the challenge for many Conservatives is a full-frontal exposure of their own ignorance about what they believe. The projection then, is expected. For Conservatives, sex as a topic is to be discussed in the privacy of their own home, through the doctrinal lens of their religious beliefs. The idea of teaching sex education in public schools irritates these ascetic ideas. It invades the “sacred” space that Conservatives have carved out for sex.

There’s an interesting paradigm at play here. Conservatives are the most vocal about labeling others as groomers or pedophiles, or pedophilia supporters, because they fear the exploitation and perversion of sexuality in children. Yet the devices that have been deployed to reduce the very thing they fear—age appropriate sexual education— are being rejected.

If the growing concern is that too many children are being coerced and manipulated sexually, one would think the remedy for such an illness is more information. Equipping children with better vocabulary, and general comprehension of the biology and psychology of sex, along with safety practices and pregnancy prevention would give children and adolescents a better understanding of how to navigate this hefty topic. So why are the Conservatives so adamantly opposed to these ideas? Why do Republicans want our children to grow up to be erotically regressive?

Back to projection. And again, simply a theory that does have some anecdotal evidence to back it up.

Those who want to silence discussions about sex are often dealing with confusion about their own sexual identity. I don’t mean they are confused about their sexual orientation, either. (But they could be.) More so that those who wish to silence the conversations that surround eroticism and sexual education are often the ones struggling with their own insecurities, performance, body image, and emotional intelligence deficiency.

Another precursor for a rejection of sexual education is a lack of sexual engagement. Yes, that is correct. Those who aren’t getting it are more likely to harbor negative feelings and unconsciously demand that others suffer the drought like they are. If you aren’t having sex, how could you possibly support the idea that others may be better informed about sex? Why would you encourage others to understand sexuality when you yourself do not?

Another theory is that projection is often a sign of guilt. And more times than not, especially within the Republican (and now the Libertarian) party, those who accuse others do so because they themselves are guilty of the same behavior. Take Tom Rose (R-TN), and Tom Woods (Libertarian commentator and Senior Fellow at the Mises Institute), both are currently caught up in scandal and facing cancellation after information surfaced that both men courted (and essentially groomed) children, then married those girls once they became of legal age. They have both been very vocal in (falsely) accusing others of grooming and pedophiliac behaviors, especially the Disney corporation.

Projection is often masked as protection—as many of us saw during the Oscars. But really, projection is deflection from self. Focus on another so that I don’t have to confront my own inadequacies about the topic at hand. Ask yourself, is Ted Cruz having intimate, connected sex? Probably not. Lindsey Graham isn’t married and does not have children but has a lot to say about sex and how sexual education ought to be taught to children. Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to suggest that Cruz nor Graham, nor any Republican in particular is some pervert with a secret stash of skeletons in their closets. But I am asking you to consider who you are getting your advice from and why. I wouldn’t ask the Pope for marital advice nor parenting advice. And most of us roll our eyes at people who do not have children but want to tell us how to raise our children.

Maybe you believe that it is a parent’s job to teach about sexual education. And typically, I would agree with you. Except for the blatant reality amidst, which is that so far, leaving sexual education up to the parents has put us in this very precarious position, overwhelming sexual dysfunction, exploitation of sexuality within children, and on-going grooming. If teaching children about sexual education in the privacy of their own homes was going to prevent or reduce the many ills of sexual perversion, wouldn’t we see proof of this? Instead, the number of cases being reported are growing, not slowing.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that to curb alarm and anxiety, we must have discussions about how and what to teach children and adolescents. Leaving them ignorant because their parents are ignorant will not curb sexual exploitation or reduce sexual assault. And keep in mind, conversations about these topics are not dangerous. Asking your child what they know about the topic of sexuality doesn’t mean that you are inviting your child to participate in the activity of sex. Sex and sexuality are much larger topics than the average Joe believes they are. We often confuse, reduce, and box in the topic of sexuality and relegate it to a behavior or activity that a child must not engage in.

Informing children is not the same as grooming children. And let’s be honest, groomers go after the ones who seemingly appear ignorant to sexuality, that is why they can be coerced and manipulated so easily. The best defense for that kind of manipulation is information. If your child knows what is what, they are less likely to be confused or coerced into doing something that is not appropriate. Information is power and information can help protect our children. And maybe these adults who like to call everyone a groomer or pedophile are also in need of a sexual education.