Considering retirement locations

Considering retirement locations June 30, 2020


Rocking chairs on porch
This here’s whar I’m a-headed. I jes’ need a hound dawg and a squirrel gun to make my life complete!
(Wikimedia Commons public domain photo)


As I contemplate the idea of retirement (from my job, though emphatically not from my work), I’ve found this document quite useful.  It was shared with me earlier today by my friend Louis Midgley; I don’t know its original source:


Retirement locations evaluated….

You can retire to Arizona where:

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.

6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


You can retire to California where:

1. You make over $500,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

6. You can live on the beach for free. All you need is a shopping cart, a blanket, a wine bottle, and a dog.


You can retire to New York City where:

1 You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

7. Of course, nobody really plans to retire in NYC, they plan on going to Florida, but die first.


You can retire to New Jersey where:

1. Nobody retires in New Jersey, except people from New York.


You can retire to Minnesota where:

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.


You can retire to The Deep South where:

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder. ”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!


You can move to Colorado where:

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the daycare center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.


You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where:

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end every sentence with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”


FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where:

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon for $2.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. It’s just as hot as Arizona, only they have humidity.

5. If you’re 65 they consider you a youngster.

6. When you vote for a president you generally are not around for the second term.

7. Where you thought you would get away from all the butt head’s in NY and NJ.



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