The Cobra Commander Dialogues: II.VII.3

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Death and Taxes.

Ragnar: Wait a minute, you almost tricked me there!
Cobra Commander: Okay this is going to sound weird for me but I wasn’t trying to trick you. But what are you talking about?
Ragnar: Well obviously I’m a good guy and not a villain, and I’m super smart math guy to boot!
Cobra Commander: Morbid curiosity drives me to ask why?
Ragnar: As you know, taxes are evil.
Cobra Commander: Commonly held sentiment I believe.
Ragnar: Well I refund people’s taxes to them!
Cobra Commander: So you’re giving money away?
Ragnar: No no. Not giving money away. I’m investing, which we all also know is the greatest possible good!
Cobra Commander: Well you know I’m a villain, self professed, and I’ve had a lot of people invest in me over the years…
Ragnar: All heroes I’m sure.
Cobra Commander: Sure, fine. But… okay so you’re giving people their taxes back, like everyone? You’re just completely bankrupting all the governments?
Ragnar: Well not everyone… just the super elite! Like maybe the one percent?
Cobra Commander: That’s still millions of people! I have enough trouble figuring out the pay for the Cobra Troopers and half of them are robots. Usually the ones who complain about not getting paid I just turn into robots, cheaper than figuring out the paperwork. Also this is the 1950’s isn’t it?
Ragnar: Um… no it’s the future! Where trains rule the world!
Cobra Commander: Right so… 50’s. Tax rate for the top bracket of income is like 91%, and the top bracket is people making around 3 million dollars a year or more.
Ragnar: Okay first of all… maybe? And second of all stop with the millions of people we’re talking like thousands… hundreds… it’s not clear.
Cobra Commander: Not really selling me on the ‘super smart math guy’ thing.
Ragnar: Well I’m smart enough to calculate 12 years worth of taxes for all the super elite!
Cobra Commander: Not sure… how you did that… but so okay for the average top income bracket individual that would be probably close to 3 million dollars. An ounce of gold in 1950 is worth oh… 35 bucks, and the standard gold bar is 400 troy ounces.
Ragnar: I guess?
Cobra Commander: Trust me, I steal a lot of these things. So a gold bar in 1950 is worth 14 thousand dollars. So twelve years of taxes, without interest, would be like 2570 gold bars. And that’s assuming the average top earner, not even like the top of the top of the earners who are making maybe dozens or hundreds of millions of dollars even. But I’ll even cut you a break and just say we’ll go with the average.
Ragnar: Thanks! I think… but yeah see, 2570! Not… you know… that much.
Cobra Commander: Per person! I mean come on if even if there’s only a thousand of you that’s over two and a half million gold bars!
Ragnar: Well I definitely have all those. Somewhere. Where you can’t see. Definitely have them though. Yup.
Cobra Commander: Okay just… we have other problems here.
Ragnar: Okay but that’s not a problem, I definitely have millions of gold bars lying around.
Cobra Commander: Sure you do. Okay so why are you handing them out now one at a time?
Ragnar: Like I said, it’s an investment.
Cobra Commander: In the world. Or more specifically, the world after it’s come to an end.
Ragnar: Yes.
Cobra Commander: So why are you risking capture of yourself and your allies by the authorities when the people won’t even need the money until after the end of the world when the authorities aren’t even going to be a problem anymore? And doing it one at a time? Where you’d need to make… millions of trips?
Ragnar: Well you know… sneaking around… it’s all piratey and cool isn’t it?
Cobra Commander: And what are you investing in?
Ragnar: Well I give these people gold bars and they’ll fix the world up all nice for me!
Cobra Commander: No contract.
Ragnar: Nope.
Cobra Commander: I feel like your desire to create an anti-Robin Hood metaphor has ended up making you stand completely contrary to the ideals of your group and ideology by forcing yourself to fit the idea of ‘Cool Pirate Guy’ into a mold that he doesn’t fit in. I mean you’re giving away stolen money without contracts or purpose to someone to do what they want with in hopes it’ll work out well for you? That… doesn’t sound what I thought you guys were trying to do?
Ragnar: You say that, but here I am being a cool pirate guy and a hero, so what do you say to that?
Cobra Commander: I say… let me try a change of tact. Hi! I’m a hero too, will you give me free gold bars?
Ragnar: Wait what? But you were all just trying to trick me and lie to me!
Cobra Commander: Nope, definitely wasn’t. After all, I’m rich, and thus I would never lie.
Ragnar: Well… your story checks out so far… but what would you do with the money I gave you?
Cobra Commander: Either nothing… or maybe I’d topple a few countries, prop up some puppet regimes. You know… conquer the world kind of stuff.
Ragnar: Well that settles it, you’re definitely a hero! I’ll go fetch some gold bars.