Adding to the list of phrases “Never to Say at an Airport”, as made famous by my friend Ken Davis:
When the frustrated public speaker, aka flight attendant addressing the passengers, announces which one item is allowed in your pockets as you pass through the full-body scanner – absolutely NOTHING – not keys, cell phones, Kleenex tissues, Barbie dolls, combs, fishing lures, love letters, hate letters, dog treats, lawn ornaments, autographed pictures of Ed Asner… NOTHING! When you come face to face with this person, never ask them, “So, what’s your point?”
This will result in a 90-minute discussion/interview/interrogation related to the TSA worker’s “point”.
Next, my good friend Brian Bates joins the show to talk about what it’s like to join a gym these days. First off, they always start off by asking you some very intrusive questions:
“What kind of work out regiment do you currently have?”
“Uuuhhh…. Currently I read my phone in bed until my arm gets tired. That is my workout.”
“Well, we’ve got to pair you up with one of our trainers, then.”
So, now, Brian is paired up with some professional body builder named Axe whose job is to motivate the phone-lifter.
“Look, man… I saw you walk in here looking like Clark Kent. You’re going to walk out of here feeling like Superman!”
Brian’s only response was, “OK, quick question… before Superman works out, does he ever have a problem with getting his sweatpants on over his shoes? Because, that’s the “pre-workout” that I’ve been doing in the locker room for the past five minutes.”
What’s more embarrassing was when Brian returned later that week. They then paired him up with a female trainer, which is perfectly fine, with the exception of knowing that the only thing keeping the weight bar from crushing Brian to death is this 110-pount woman. But what was worse was when he was spotting her and he realized that he was even less help.
It may be the first time in health club history when a lifter yelled, “A little help!” and then the spotter yelled, “A LITTLE MORE HELP!!”
Brian is also keeping another New Years Resolution: to faithfully tithe at his church. Well, actually he took out a monthly membership to ChristianMingle.com, figuring that the funds all go to the same place. But, why is it that God could raise His Son in three days, but ChristianMingle.com requires a 12-month commitment to find Brian a date?
Speaking of church, Brian has a friend who doesn’t believe in God, but he avidly follows professional wrestling. He told Brian that he just can’t believe all these stories in the Bible that seem so beyond belief. So, he can’t believe that Jesus rose from the dead to save mankind from its sins, but he can believe that the Undertaker rose from the dead to defeat Mankind at Wrestlemania 28.
Finally, comedian extraordinaire John Crist calls into the show to discuss his recent viral video: Christian Girl Instagram. Now, know this – the video by no means makes fun of Christian girls! Nor does he make fun of people who do daily devotions. Believe it or not, Chris does devotions himself, and he even likes girls. However, the phenomenon of people posting photos of their devotion set up: typically an open Bible, maybe a highlighter, a coffee cup with a scripture printed on it in the background… it’s just prime material for poking fun at!
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when someone would snap a photo of their devotional tabletop, then blow through the rest of the roll of 24 photos, drive the film down to the insta-develop shack and wait three days to pick up the picture?
Then again, what’s the point if the photo is meant just for you?
I mean, as Chris says, what’s the point of having devotions if no one knows about it?
Chris’ video has been viewed over half-a-million times, and still going strong!
Sadly… its success is due to its accuracy.
Chris simply walks the line between teasing and mocking really well. Even those people who ritually post photos of their own devotions feel noticed, not demoted.
The truth, and whole truth is that Chris is a devout, Christ-following, Bible-believing churchgoer. He loves Jesus and he loves his church. But there are just some things that Christians say and do that are ripe for the picking when it comes to observational comedy.
While he won’t poke fun of Jesus on the cross, Mary’s immaculate conception, or the resurrection of Jesus – topics central to the Christian faith – there are some things he just can’t avoid, such as the cultural tendencies within a church service: how people speak, how they dress, how they raise their hands in worship, if they raise their hands at all (up high, down low, to the side, one hand only, pointing vs. open palmed…)
For more five-star comedy, play and listen to the full podcast!