Women are often testing their men these days. The age old “test” is when she asks him, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” And, the truth is, we men – regardless of how many times we have heard of such tests – are never prepared. It’s a lot like when we are driving along the highway on a hot summer day and running into a huge patch of ice. It’s unexpected and we don’t know how to react when the moment arrives. Think of it as “Relational Black Ice”.
Experts agree that this “Relational Black Ice” is, indeed, a test! Men are constantly being tested to see if they are still “worthy”. Many times this “test” will make a man choose between their partner’s self-esteem and their relationship with God. And, it’s not a straight-forward question, such as “Do you still find me attractive?” Something like that is too obvious and men would know what to do with such an inquiry. Men would be able to answer this question honestly as well as see the underlying emotional need behind the question. However, the “jeans too fat” question, and other masqueraded tests like it, are an entirely different beast. Now, if your wife’s jeans do not make her look fat at all, consider it a dry run – a rehearsal for things to come. But, if they do – even the slightest bit – you are instantly placed 1,000 feet in the air, balancing on the tip of a pin with over a million ways that you can immediately fall to your grave. Here are a few:
- If you have a scared look on your face, you will be viewed as afraid of the truth and you will fail.
- If you reply “I like your other pants better”, you will be interpreted as saying, “eww… stick to the sweatpants, Porky!” and you will fail.
- If you say, “I like you in skirts”, that’s kind of like saying, “Tarp over the problem!” and you will fail.
- If you plead the fifth and refuse to answer, that’s an automatic fail. You should walk straight to your mother’s house and camp out there until this blows over. You do not have the right to remain silent, If your jaw was wired shut, you would still be required to answer the “jeans too fat” question… and answer it correctly!
- If you take an analytical approach, and do a once-over, walking around her, looking for trouble, like an airplane mechanic looking for a problem engine… you’re going to fail big time! You may not even remember how you ended up in the hospital.
- If you lie and say, “No. They don’t make you look fat”, then God will know that you lied and He will whisper that information to her. Nobody said this was fair.
- If you resort to the age-old reply, “Well, now there’s more of you to love”, you will suffer the same fate as the guy who coined that phrase and die a horrible death.
What’s crazy is that the game isn’t played both ways. We men can’t ask our wives if our pants make us look fat. I haven’t been able to pick out my own clothes since 1994!
And whatever you do, as David Pendleton can attest, do not ever, under any circumstances, answer truthfully using ventriloquism. It doesn’t matter that the puppet said it and not you – you will be the one paying the price!
Next, Dustin Nickerson joins the show. Dustin has three kids, but what annoys him are the people in his life who don’t have children… or even one kid. To Dustin, parents of one kid is just the same as adults without kids. Either way, they all ask ridiculous questions:
But what really annoys Dustin are the people who decide to get a dog instead of having children. These people end up coming down with an odd form of dyslexia and switch the letters around – their dog becomes their god. It’s just unhealthy. They bring it wherever they go; they dress it up for Halloween; they get bumper stickers that say Dog Is My Copilot, which really means “Dog Is My Codependent”. It’s just not good.
One girl actually told Dustin, “I believe that all animals should be treated equally – if not BETTER – than people.”
He replied, “All animals? Even the fish and chicken that you feed to your dog?”
She then looked at Dustin and said, “You just need to know that your kids can never fill your heart in the way that my dog does mine.”
Dustin had had enough and said, “You just need to know that your dog is going to die way before any of my kids!”
And finally, my good friend, comedian, magician and ventriloquist Taylor Mason calls into the show. Every day, first thing in the morning, Taylor watches the Weather Channel. In fact, Taylor could watch the Weather Channel all day every day. He knows how to read the weather, simply based on who is being shown on camera. If Jim Cantore is on air, things are bad. But when the Weather Channel has Mike Seidel on location, somewhere is in a state of emergency! Seidel is never at the location where the bad weather is about to hit – he is IN THE MIDDLE of the hurricane, clinging to a lamppost, with his feet suspended in the air, perpendicular to the ground as he reports how deadly the storm is!
And, why does the Weather Channel name every single storm nowadays? They have always named hurricanes, but now, even if it’s just sprinkling outside, the weather system gets a name. What they should do is figure out a way to privatize it and auction off the naming rights to each storm. So, you would end up with “Hurricane Katrina… brought to you by Huggies”. Think of the millions that could be raised!
And why stop there? The same process could be used to decrease our national debt by selling the naming rights to our monuments: The Washington Monument, presented by Federal Express! But, you’d have to be careful. For instance, we couldn’t have the Battle of Iwo Jima Marine Corps War Memorial brought to you by Sony. But you could have the Lincoln Memorial presented by Cadillac. Privatization is the way to go!