here and now

This year started out with a sense of possibility.

I had friends stay over from Argentina, it had been 15 years of not sharing a meal together. We shared a year together as missionaries in Bogotá in 1998, we shared so much more, we were revolutionaries – “guerrilleros” for Christ. We had small kids and had no boundaries and how far we would go to share Christ as we knew him. Late nights every night, gave so much more than money or time. This movement went through huge changes. Many of my closest friends are not part of it anymore, none the less it brought pain to my heart to be back in touch with these dear friends again.

So much emotional pain that my body gave out physically. I believe we externalize every thought and emotion. Found myself in my native country for a month, two biopsies and a surgery and the realization that I have no control of my life. In a moment all can change and we have to depend on others for things that once we took for granted. I kept thinking that weakness is a strength as much as I hate not controlling my life because it makes me aware of the basic things in life. The here and now.

Another fear – my teen not only started to drive in my absence but needs his mom to be there yet not suffocate him as he grows into a young man. Once again, I have to let go of the past and the future and live in the now. Not agreeing with his choices, realizing that my passive aggressive behavior has been a weapon of control that has been exposed and I am 1,555 miles away – powerless. I cried.

Close to turning 50 and bombarded with what that means to a woman in our western culture. More fears come into my mind, even my dreams. Changes in me, my marriage, aging parents, career. I look around and wonder if people sense this as I do. If life makes sense or is this just another mid life crisis that shall pass and my lesson is to be grateful for one more day, one more meal… here and now.