What is family?

Last night I co-officiated my first wedding, for one of my oldest friends, who I’ve known since 1992.  He and his bride were gracious enough to invite me to be apart of their wedding service, and the joining of two families to create a new one.  This morning I headed to join my family down at the beach in Kiawah Island, SC, for a bit of long over due rest and relaxation (if that’s possible when there are three generations of the same family in one house, but I digress).  These two adjacent experiences, along with the past several months have left me thinking a great deal about family, and what it means.

I said before that he’s one of my oldest friends.  And while he has called my mother “mom” for over two decades, it was with my oldest friend, Will, that I first recall re-imagining what it meant to be family.  We met as young kids, but became the best of friends on a cruise that our families took together.  It was my family, mom, dad, and older brother, joining his family, mom, two older sisters (the middle one is insufferable like all middle children ;-P), and grandfather, who was my dad’s boss many moons ago in DC.  The whole time, we refered to everyone in the larger group in familial terms, i.e. his mom was also my mom, his sisters, my sisters, and his grandfather was Daddy Woe to all of us, our parents included.  (That’s just his name, go with it.)

I can distinctly remember the looks we got as I would call his mother “mom” and when he would call my parents “mom” and “dad”.  You see my friend, Will, and his family are white.  So it seemed odd to these people in the early 90s to hear these black children call a white woman “mom”, and to hear a group of white children call my parents “mom” and “dad”.  But for us, it just made sense.  I never hesitated in doing it.  I had called my parents’ friends Aunt and Uncle for years, and this next level of inviting people to be a part of our family was something that made good enough sense to me.  However the response of other people made me stop and think.

What does it mean to call someone family?  Is it based solely on biology?  Is it based on relationship?  Does one matter more than the other?  Is it both?  While courts of law may say one thing and social opinion something else, I think Jesus’ words on this topic are worth considering.  (For all you seminary and theology aficionados, what follows are my reflections, and not an exegesis.  I welcome your thoughts, comments, and critiques in the comments below.)

In Matthew’s Gospel, Chapter 12, Jesus speaks about the sabbath, does some miracles, talks of fruit and signs, and lastly speaks of an unclean spirit.  Then in verses 46-50 we find this:

While he was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him.  Someone told him, “Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”  But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?”  And pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!  For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:46-50, NRSV)

So, here goes Jesus again, taking something that society has clear opinion about and turning it on it’s head.  He is redefining who his mother and brothers are, i.e. who’s Jesus’ family.  (Another side note, poor Joseph, no love from his adopted son at all…).  One of the more interesting things to me is that Jesus doesn’t exclude his biological family, his mother and half-brothers.  What Jesus does is draw the circle wider for who is in his family.  And it’s a pretty wide doorway to walk through.  There are no requirements aside from doing the will of Jesus’ Father in heaven.  So, if all who do the will of God are Christ’s mother and brothers, Christ’s family, then it would seem that door is open to anyone.  Jesus doesn’t limit inclusion based on ethnicity, country of origin, socio-economic status, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation, and I would argue gender or gender identity.  It’s based on who does God’s will.  It’s based on someone’s heart, mind, and soul being attuned to hearing the will of God in their life, and having the courage to live that out.  And in doing so, we become family.

I have a mother, a father, one older brother, and a 3 year old beautiful little girl that make up my biological family.  But I have been blessed for years with a family that love and care for me and my biological family, who are related only by the orientation of our hearts.  Will, his sisters, Eleanor and June (the middle one…), his mother Jacquie, and grandfather Daddy Woe, are my family.  So are Andrew and his wife Kelsey, whose wedding I officiated this weekend.  My Godparents are family, my comrades from my Army days are family.  And now, many of my colleagues and friends from seminary and the churches I’ve attended and served with are family too.  And I can’t forget, those who help in caring for my daughter (and her father), often with little notice, are my family.

Limiting our understanding of family to only those with whom we share a blood relation, draws a rather small circle (even if you have a large family like my dad), and can leave us subject to the whims and fickle nature of human beings to define whether family is something you love and cherish, something you loathe, or something imbetween.  Family, as Christ was pointing out, is about more than just the people with whom we share common ancestry.  It’s about the orientation of our hearts, towards God, and consequently towards one another.  If our greatest commandment is to love God, and the second is to love our neighbor, then in doing the will of God, as defined by those terms which Christ gave us, our family can grow rather rapidly.

I said at the outset that I’m vacationing with my family in South Carolina, a place that this part of my family, my parents, brother, and I grew up coming to visit from time to time.  But my daughter and I have the privilege of being with my larger family all the time.  When we will visit Will’s family this summer for our cousin’s wedding, we’ll be with our family.  When we will head to Wild Goose in July to see Micky, Steve, Holly, Teresa, and crazy uncle Tripp, along with the rest of my growing family there, we’ll be with family.  And when we return to DC, to begin work at Asbury UMC, and continue my ministry with the Wesley Seminary Community, we’ll be with family.

I pray that you know the many people, whom you can call family.  And I pray that they look to you and receive you as such.  We don’t have to have the same color skin, speak the same language or dialect, worship God in the same ways, or even call God by the same name.  Our family, as Christ defines it, is based on our common love for God, and for our neighbors.  May your love of God and neighbors join you with the family of those who seek the will of God.  We are just as imperfect and dysfunctional as any human family, but all made beautiful by the love of God we share.