What San Bernardino Teaches Us About Gratitude And Trust

Another post from my friend and colleague, Maryam Reimer.

practice-gratitude I am writing this the day after the craziness in San Bernardino and 3+ weeks since my beloved spiritual guide, Sidi as we called him, passed on to the next world.

There are lots of emotions that could be overwhelming me on a day like this–fear, grief, anger, frustration maybe even a little hatred, terror, and rage for good measure. Yes, not much different than a lot of other people in the world.

As I sit here 14+ years after meeting Sidi in the body and consciously coming to know his heart and spirit, I am amazed at how little of that list of emotions sit in my heart or overwhelm my life. Rather I feel my heart filled with gratitude for having Sidi come into my life as well as the healing and blessings that have just filled my life in these 14 years. On top of all that gratitude, there’s a level of trust in the Divine that I don’t think was available to me before.

Let me take you back to the year before I met Sidi. I had been laid off from my job in corporate America and wasn’t finding the type of work I wanted in part because I needed schedule flexibility. My mom was living with me and had been experiencing serious health challenges for about 3 years—let’s put it this way the hospital cafeteria staff asked if I was on staff since I was there so much! About a year after I lost my job, my Mom’s doctor told me that she had about 2-4 months left. She passed about 45 days later.

No matter how ill someone close to you is, I don’t think that you are ever prepared when it happens. I focused on the 4 months and the hope and possibility that something would happen—I guess you could say I focused on the miracle that we’ve come to expect from modern medicine. For some people that miracle isn’t possible or not what they want. My mom was only 78 years old, but she was tired. She was done. Her faith told her that there was more than this world. Whereas, all I could focus on was this world, and I wanted her to stay forever even though I knew that there was more than this life.

My world was devastated. I was devastated. I was an orphan at 39 and without a job and fighting seemingly never-ending acute bronchitis. Uggh! I was overwhelmed with all those emotions I mentioned earlier—anger, grief, frustration, fear and yes, a little hatred and terror. The hard thing was I was in the middle of the emotions—the eye of the storm so to speak—so I could not even verbalize everything I was feeling.

That was my starting point on the Sufi Path. Yes, I believed in God. I believed that there was more than this world, but I was not grounded in those beliefs. It was like all my spiritual learning was a lovely fairy tale that you share with your children—kind of like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Yes, you can see my lack of trust shining through.

I mentioned in a previous blog post that the love and peace that I feel in my heart was hard won. So was this level of gratitude and trust that I am experiencing, and yes, there is still more work to do until I no longer need to look for the blessing or ask the question, “What am I grateful for in this moment?” I will see the blessing in everything that happens in my life—the good, the bad and the ugly. And, this is even truer when it comes to my level of trust.

For me my gratitude and trust are challenged when those internal questioning voices are loud enough and convincing enough to where it seems that my only choice is to listen and believe. I see the lack rather than the abundance. I see the head cold that lasts for a few days rather than the months of good health. I see the day-to-day challenges of my work rather than the gratitude of having a job that keeps a roof over my head, food in my belly and the chance to work with deeply spiritual people.

There is always a choice as to the voice we listen to or the reality that we see. And, it’s recognizing that choice point. Sometimes the choice point comes before the voices even begin to whisper. Other times, the choice point is after the voices start yelling. Recognizing that choice point is a cause for celebration and gratitude.

Why have I married gratitude and trust today? In my 14+ year journey in Sufism, I’ve found that my trust only grew so far until I started witnessing and experiencing gratitude as frequently and as abundantly as possible. My gratitude grew when I stopped limiting the expression of gratitude to another human beings who did a nice thing for me, or to the Divine, or even to the use of words. I express gratitude to animate and inanimate objects, and I hope through them I am expressing even more gratitude to the Divine. Regardless of how I express gratitude (a smile, maybe) or if anyone hears it, I am blessed through the expression. And as those blessings have become more and more abundant, I can’t help but witness how my level of trust has organically grown.

Which came first the gratitude or the trust in God’s provision and protection? I’m not sure.

I do know that I can witness the shootings and loss of life in San Bernardino and not spiral into a dark place of questioning. Yes, I am sad that 14 people lost their lives. Yes, I feel compassion for the families who lost loved ones and whose lives will never be the same. Yes, my heart aches for the child who grows up in the shadow of the shooting. Yes, there’s even some reflection on the haters that are using this tragedy to spread venom and, at least, a small desire to return their hate with love. And yes, I pray for Divine protection of the Muslims who face hatred and threats because someone co-opted their religion for evil.

And, that makes me more grateful to Allah and my beloved guide for all I have been given through their hands.

Peace and love to you.
~Maryam