50 Maxims for Men in an Age of Toxic Masculinity and Identitarian Craziness

I have two boys, I hope they grow up to be men who are godly, good, courageous, compassionate, successful, holy, and noble. I have started making a list of aphorisms to pass on them, giving them the fatherly advice that I – quite frankly – never received. Not all of these sayings are mine, but I find them quite useful.

# 1: Marriage is a lot like a US airport, by law it must always be under construction and improvement.

# 2: Real men do not hit women.

# 3: If you dress like a lumberjack, then you better be one.

# 4: There is no single way of being a man, but there sure are a lot of perverse and pathetic ways of failing to be a good one.

# 5: Fathers are not a dispensable fashion accessory.

# 6: If you sow a thought, you reap an action, if you sow an action, you reap a habit, if you sow a habit, you reap a character, if you sow a character, you reap a destiny.

# 7: Who was the most macho or manliest actor to come out of Hollywood? For my money, it is Rick Moranis! The guy gave up his acting career to look after his children after his wife suddenly died. That’s raw masculinity right there.

# 8: Pray to be castrated with a rusty cheese grater rather than commit adultery.

# 9: Be a father to the fatherless.

# 10: Recreational drugs are a safe way of achieving addiction, unemployment, self-destruction, family-breakdown, and causing untold grief to those you love.

# 11: Do what you have to do before you do what you want to do.

# 12: Routine is boring, but it means that the important stuff gets done first.  

# 13: Friedrich Nietzsche said: “Man shall be trained for war, the woman for the recreation of the warrior, all else is folly.” When there are no normative ways of being male, then Nietzsche will be treated as an option.

# 14: Dance like nobody is watching, but write emails like they’ll one day be read at a deposition.

# 15: Be a father to the fatherless.

# 16: Pornography degrades women and the relationship men have with women.

# 17: Learn how to perfect a look of comical derision when someone on a six-figure salary, who drives a luxury car, who owns multiple houses, and has servants who clean their houses, tells you about the need for socialism.

#18: Be quick to listen and slow to answer.

# 19: You’ll never know true power until you have empowered women to succeed.

# 20: It is always easier to sin the second time.

# 21: The best of men are men at best.

# 22: It is better to light a candle than curse the dark.

# 23: What Happens in Vegas, ends up in divorce court, filing for bankruptcy, or visiting the venereal disease clinic.

# 24: The only place where “success” comes before “work” is the dictionary.

# 25: A man with no enemies is a man with no convictions.

# 26: If the wolf is going to be the wolf, then the shepherd has to be the shepherd.

 # 27: You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat people who have no ability to ever pay them back with something in return.

# 28: Pursuing your unbridled lusts will either make you a monster over all women or a slave to a few women.

# 29: Treat others the way they wish to be treated.

# 30: Clothes do not make the man, but they do stop him from looking ridiculous.

# 31: Sometimes you need to have a mosquito land on your testicle before you realize that violence is not the answer to every problem.

# 32: Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and waiting for it to kill the other person.

# 33: God did not give you testosterone so you could assault someone weaker than you, he gave you testosterone to give you the strength to stand up to other people’s bullies.

# 34: It is totally okay to not feel okay.

# 35: Be careful, you become what you worship.

# 36: The sexual revolution was a patriarchal con-job.

# 37: The greatest evil is not done by men who believe that what they do is wicked, it is done by men who believe that what they do is righteous.

# 38: “Chivalry” is not a dirty word.

# 39: Children remember a few of the good things you do for them, but all of the bad things you did to them.

# 40: Sorry Whitney Houston, but “learning to love yourself” is not the greatest love of all.

# 41: Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the belief in something greater.

# 42: Do not confuse love with infatuation and lust.

# 43: While women might appreciate a knight in shining armour, what they really appreciate is men who help them find and fit their own armour.

# 44: Men and women really are different, no, really!

# 45: If you see someone wearing a Che Guevera T-Shirt, congratulate them on celebrating South America’s most successful homophobic racist murderer.

# 46: The most devastating tool in political discourse is superior knowledge and acerbic wit.

# 47: The most ruthlessly efficient way to destroy your enemies is to make them your friends.

# 48: If you haven’t read the Bible, you will never understand music, literature, history, politics, art, or even The Simpsons.

# 49: Pursue the things that make for peace and mutual encouragement.

# 50: Remember when your mum said, “Don’t speak to me like that,” she did not add “if it pleases your highness.”