You will not believe this!

…because I am still pinching myself.

Last weekend I spent time with 24 amazing people.  We were South Asian, Guatemalan, Brazilian, Korean, Korean-American, Japanese-American, white, Latina, Native & biracial.  It was pretty fantastic.  Amazing that we came in, ALL of us strangers, with only 2 things in common: being an “emerging leader” & having some association to the Reformed Church of America denomination.  We left a mere 36 hours later, family.  I seriously love these folks!  It is really is the power of Jesus to bring a diverse group together like that in unity.

Anyway, one of my new friends Annie, from San Diego told me one night I reminded her of her friend, Anne Lammot!  Anne freaking Lamott!  You know the amazing author of “Traveling Mercies” & only one of the most gifted Christian authors in like forever!  She went on to say that she would pass on my manuscript to Anne Lammot!  What?!?!  Some one pinch me.  She sent her an email that night to tell her about me!

This comes just days after meeting an editor from the Penguin Publishing house (which is HUGE) who said he would help me edit my manuscript and if its good enough pass it on to PENGUIN! PENGUIN, PEOPLE PENGUIN!  After the Penguin thing I spent like hours praying about if I’m on the right track or not & now suddenly I could have a BIG FAT recommendation from FREAKING Anne Lammott!  And a strong connection to PENGUIN.

Needless to say, wanting to strike while the iron is hot, I have been writing writing writing.  It’s sort of pouring out of me like water now.  It’s been super fun, & I really like what I have.  I mean, some of it, it’s good.  And then other parts, I know it it totally sucks but don’t know what to do to fix it.  I’m hoping to have a rough rough rough 1st draft ready by May ’09.  I may pass on 4-5 chapters to Anne as soon as Jan.1, ’09.

So, here’s the thing.  What if Anne Lammott doesn’t like it & doesn’t give me a fancy schmancy endorsement to display proudly on the cover of my book?  And what if Penguin says, “don’t quit InterVarsity staff.” (Essentially: ‘don’t quit your day job’, not that I was planning to).

Also, jeez, my book is so honest.  It actually occurred to me the other day: “what if someone reads this?”  It’s so real, it’s going to be embarrassing for a few minutes.  I mean, I’m really putting myself out there.  Also, I will make enemies!  Or at least my mom will be mad at me, & a few others will probably rather not I share the truth of their hurtful statements, or hypocritical behaviors.  I AM changing identifying names & details to protect folk, but they know who they are.  Actually, all these are only slightly worrying me as much as something is looming over my head:

failure.  Rejection from Anne Lammot.  Rejection from penguin (which is actually very likely).  or no sales.  or horrible reviews on Amazon. or people saying they hate me or that I don’t really follow Jesus.  or whatever.

The more this whole process moves forward the more scarier & riskier & weightier it becomes.  But I still want to do it, I long to do it, I cannot NOT do it.  I feel pregnant with this book & now I can’t become unpregnant.

But now with the whole Anne Lammot/Penguin pressure, the whole thing has scared the beJesus out of me.

But I press on.  It must be done.  It just must.  This is a risk I have to take.