Rest In Peace

Last week my Uncle Fred passed away just one day shy of his 50^th wedding anniversary.  Just before that one of my friends Auntie Kay-Kay succumbed to cancer after a 3-year battle.  And not long after that a friend of a friend that I grew up with passed away leaving 3 young girls behind.

I haven’t experienced much death in my life.  Dying-death, that is.  What I have experienced is death of a relationship due to abuse.  The death of a parental bond due to forced removal & mental illness.  The loss of a sibling and a father due to prison sentences.  The death of an engagement to be married.  The death of a relationship (or three) due to distance, confusion and misunderstanding.   Death that occurs through betrayal. Death of hope.  The death of relationships which move on ‘naturally,’ etc.  

When my husbands grandmother passed away she was old and had been suffering and we were glad to see her move on to be with the Lord.  I barely knew each of my own grandmothers when they died.  When my stepfather died I hadn’t seen or heard from him for years, I wanted to be sadder than I actually was.  When my own abusive father died, I was conflicted.  I cried a few times.  I was happy to see him go because of his physical pain and suffering but also because the world suddenly became a safer place.  Yet, somewhere near the surface –though I didn’t quite understand it- I felt sadness, which I was only able to identify because I could feel it in my body —the aching neck, the constant pit in my stomach, the restless sleep, the jittery fingers.

That same wound up feeling in my body I would know again, just a year later when we lost our first child due to miscarriage, which was again someone I never knew.   But perhaps, my first experience with death that produced a tangible amount of grief.

But I have yet to experience a loss that would be so profound and tremendously awful that I’d only barely eek by trying to get over it.  Like the loss of my mother, or my mother-in-law or my husband or son, or good friends or a sibling or niece or nephew.  And even though I’m no stranger to loss, to be honest with you –that type of death- I’m scared to death of.

As Dave & I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” yesterday I was hit again with our limited mortality.  Benjamin experiences so much loss but finds the strength to keep going.  I found a strange peace in being reminded that those who lose loved ones…recover.  Thrive, even.

And as I face the loss of my Uncle and friends and face my 32^nd birthday I am realizing that 1/3 of my life is over and my need to be aware that our time here is short, it is precious and should not be taken for granted.