Vulnerable.

Way back in the pre-historic days before every college student had a cell-phone attached to their ear, a laptop on their hip & a 1 ounce music listening device hidden on their person, I was in college.  And when I think back on those years, only one word comes to mind: pain.  It was a time of grief.  Yes, it is juxtaposed with the peace God offered me when I stepped into a relationship with Him but it also a time where God allowed me to go through necessary pain.

In a nutshell, it was the first time in my somewhat adult life (I was a wee 19 years old) when I finally began to face the utter screwed-up-ness which characterized my formative years.  My journey through counseling was nothing less than traumatic while at the same time one of my parents was experiencing a drastic downturn in health & state of being.  I was dirt, dirt poor in an awful living situation,  and somewhere in there, I was nearly engaged to a man who dumped me and crumpled my heart into a million little pieces.  It got so bad I had to sign a suicide letter with my therapists meaning I couldn’t kill myself without calling her first.  Needless to say, it worked.  But, it was that crucial.

I suffered through all of these things without turning to men, drinking, drugs, partying or even anti-depressants.  Sure, sure I had my coping mechanisms but -thank the Lord- they were more or less harmless in the end.  Point is, for some crazy reason which is beyond my understanding to this day, I allowed myself to suffer through it and to feel every last little thing that needed to be felt for me to be able to eventually move on & become ‘normal.’

I found myself deep in thought about all of this today as I drove for 5 hours (round-trip) to a good friends baby shower.  Once again, I find myself in circumstances which are producing the same sort of stress and feelings of hopelessness that they did over 10 years ago.

If your wondering whether or not I’ve considered if this little bundle of joy growing in my womb may have a bit to do with the pervading feelings of loss and despair, yes, I have considered it.  In fact I’m about 90% certain this little bundle of joy mere presence in my womb has led to loss of perspective, not to mention sleep.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel vulnerable.  Very vulnerable.  At 19 I didn’t have a husband to consider.  And I didn’t have a toddler and a tiny baby on the way.  And I didn’t have much to lose, no money, no property, not even a degree.  In some ways life was “safer.”  That’s all different now.  The stakes are higher.  I can’t allow the dysfunctions of others to crush my soul and spirit.  It’s too costly.

A couple of months ago one of my family members did something so hurtful and repulsive it literally took me back to the days growing up when I lived under the brunt of his abuse.  I felt 10 again & scared out of my eva-livin’ mind.  In the midst of that another family member went off their rocker and it feels like I’m being crushed under the weight.

On the way home I listened to one of my favorite interpretations of a classic hymn, “Be Still My Soul,” by a group named Selah.  For years this one line has comforted my tremendously:

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

It refers to this passage in the Bible when Jesus, with his words made a raging storm go calm.  I found myself thinking about how incredible it would have been to have seen Jesus speak to water and tell it to calm down and then for it to actually happen.  But about as soon as I wondered that I realized I’ve all ready seen him do it in my own life and in particular one of my good friends whose “sea” was raging out of control every bit as much as mine was.  When we spoke of this truth today, we were both rendered speechless.

When I take into consideration what I’ve been through from 8-9 yrs. old to the college years, to now, Jesus indeed said “peace, be still,” to my life & it has.  I shouldn’t be here and I certainly shouldn’t be stable.  I should be a doggone statistic.  But for the grace of God.  Where would I be?  Where would I be, yall?  I don’t think any one need wonder why I am fiercely loyal to Jesus if you fully understood the storm He’s calmed.

Vulnerable? Yes, but filled with God’s peace.