out of control

Do you ever feel like this?  Lost in translation & out of control?

Last night after I posted my ‘baby name blues’ blog I was determined to find out as much as I could about my Paternal Grandfather so I could prove to Dave once & for all he was a man worthy of naming baby # 2’s middle name after.

I trudged down to the basement trying to find old letters my Dad had written me from prison.  I had asked him once to give me a breakdown of his entire side of the family.  Every job, every baby, every characteristic and personality he could remember.  He actually typed out a 10-page letter.  A 10-page letter I couldn’t find.  I distinctly remember keeping all his letters from prison in a file very creatively named, “letters from my Dad from prison.”  And lo & behold the entire folder was gone. poof.

I couldn’t help but wonder if in a fit of rage at my Father sometime in the last 10 years I threw the whole folder away.  If this is true, this would be regrettable.  Not only did that 10-page letter provide the only insight I’ll ever have into my Father’s side of the family, but I was counting on the fact that I kept it for the sake of the memoir I’m trying to write.

Maybe it was the combination of not even remembering if I had thrown the file away or lost it.  Or maybe it was the frustration of not being able to find what I was looking for: proof to offer Dave so he’d go along with my plan.  Or the fact that it was past 11:30pm.  Or maybe just the pent up frustration of mine & Dave disagreeing about this for the 3rd time.  Or maybe it’s those 3rd trimester hormones raging a battle against my frail brain.  Whatever the case may be, I lost it.  Complete. Meltdown.

Dave heard my hysteria from upstairs and rushed down thinking I was in labor or something.  Sadly, we reopened the conversation which only led to, you guessed it, more tears and frustration.  How many times does it take for two grown adults to learn not to enter into hard conversations when a) it’s past midnight & b) the wife is all ready hysterical?  You’d think we’d of learned our lesson after 9.5 yrs. o f marriage, right? 🙂

Wrong.

After barely being able to sleep due to all this stress, I decided to take a good long amount of time this morning to pray and journal and be renewed by reading Scripture.  There’s nothing like the combination of those three activities that brings clarity to my confusion.  A few things I knew but realized anew:

I feel out of control in too many areas.  The baby name issue is taking the brunt of my frustration.

Physically, I’m just weak.  I couldn’t protect myself from a 7 year old right now.

Emotionally, I’m all over the place.

In work, there are aspects of my job -even of being back to work full-time, 40 hrs. a week- that is stressing me out.

I am financially frustrated.  I’d like to get a few things for the baby or just get my hair done for crying out loud.

At home, my patience has grown thin with our cats and I want them out of my house immediately.  (I’d prefer them dead, actually).

And I couldn’t be more discouraged at the state of our basement, which is where nameless baby #2 & I will be sleeping for the 1st 3-weeks.  I almost tripped over the barricades we have set up so the cats won’t pee on my clothes and nearly fell into a big pile of glass which was of my floor length mirror which one of the cats broke and I promise you I had to control myself from bludgeoning Putty to death.  (Dave should be happy I only want to put them sleep instead of being victim to an act of desperate anger.  I’m just kidding of course, well, at least the part about my killing them.  I’d gladly shell out a lot of money right now to send those two terrors cats into a long, wake less sleep).

Heck, I’m even having withdrawal issues over my increasing addiction to playing Settlers of Catan/Cities & Knights online.  Their website has been down for 5 days now.

There are ongoing family issues I’ve mentioned before but most of all people, I just don’t have control over any of these situations and it’s IRKING me.

But what I realized today in the peace and presence of the Lord was that my being in control isn’t a top priority for God.  And in fact, my learning to depend on God is of far greater importance.  And on top of all that, there have been times in my life when things have been far worse, when I’ve felt the most dependent on the Lord and it is in those times I can look back and say I had the most peace.  It’s such a freaking catch 22.  I’d just rather have things go my way.

For now, I have to trust the Lord that a 7 year old won’t try to kill me, I’ll be able to do my job well & be paid adequately, Little Jerri & Putty will get on my nerves less often, my family issues will work themselves out, I’ll have the baby, we’ll get the basement clean and life will go on.  And if any one of these things goes horribly wrong, it’s okay, because I’m not in control anyway.

All that said, Dave, Ransom & I went down today to get started on the absolute disaster that is our basement.  It’s not been cleaned for months and months and months.  I also packed the baby’s bag for the hospital and wrote a list of what I need to bring for me.  Lastly, I got online to start the baby name search again. Sigh.

Since I’m feeling so close to delivery we are going to make a solid effort at getting the basement done this Saturday.  If your in my hood and would like to help with either laundry, watching Ransom, cleaning up broken mirrors, vacuuming or anything, please come on over!  I’d love the help and there is no shame in my game to ask.  (Hey, I’m a last born, we always ask for exactly what we need! ;))

Trying not to live under the illusion of control but resting in God’s peace & provision,